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Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Detroit Begs Nation To Just Give It Something, Anything, To Manufacture

‘Refrigerators, Towels, Whatever You Want,’ Residents Say

DETROIT—Emphasizing that its workforce and facilities were just waiting for the go-ahead to start up production, the city of Detroit pleaded with the American people Tuesday to just give it something—anything at all, really—to manufacture.

City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs

They’re For Sitting On Or Running Up Or Something

CHICAGO—Noting the structure’s considerable size and prominent location in a busy public park, local residents confirmed Tuesday that the city had installed some big concrete stairs that were probably for sitting on or running up or something like that.

More Cities Providing Bins For Materials That Look Recyclable

WASHINGTON—Praising the initiatives for taking the guesswork out of the often confusing process of household waste disposal, a report released Thursday by the Environmental Protection Agency noted that more cities are providing bins to residents for materials that look like they’re probably recyclable.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Man With Serious Mental Illness Committed To City Bus

ALBANY, NY—Citing a range of severe symptoms including hallucinations, disorientation, and disorganized speech, the Albany County Department of Mental Health said Wednesday that local man Shawn Zellicoff will be involuntarily committed to the 125 Cl...

Environmental Study Finds Air In Chicago Now 75% Bullets

CHICAGO—Highlighting increasingly dangerous conditions within the city, a new study published Monday by Northwestern University’s Department of Environmental Studies revealed that approximately 75 percent of the air in Chicago is now composed ...
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New Study Finds Most Of Earth’s Landmass Will Be Phoenix Suburb By 2050

SYRACUSE, NY—Forecasting the continued rapid growth of the metropolitan area in the coming decades, a study published Thursday by researchers at Syracuse University has found that the majority of Earth’s landmass will be Phoenix suburbs by 2050. “Projecting present growth trends forward, we were able to determine that 35 years from now, the suburban area surrounding Phoenix, AZ will have expanded to occupy nearly 70 percent of all land on Earth, or roughly 137 million square miles across six continents,” said study co-author Grace Parsons, explaining that the entire land area of North America would be subsumed by the suburban sprawl spreading out from Scottsdale by 2030, while new subdivisions on the outskirts of Glendale and Litchfield Park would continue expanding westward, crossing the Pacific Ocean and encompassing most of Asia over the following decade. “By the time the suburbs extend into the Southern Hemisphere in about 30 years, over two-thirds of Earth’s land will be counted among the working-class towns, affluent neighborhoods, commercial districts, and bedroom communities encircling Phoenix.” The researchers warned, however, that a lack of adequate transportation infrastructure in the Phoenix metro area could create problems for workers driving in from the suburbs, estimating that traffic congestion during rush hour could add as much as 1,200 to 1,400 hours to their daily commutes.

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