civil liberties

American People Shrug, Line Up For Fingerprinting

WASHINGTON, DC—Assuming that there must be a good reason for the order, U.S. citizens lined up at elementary schools and community centers across the nation Monday for government-mandated fingerprinting. "I'm not exactly sure what this is all about," said Ft. Smith, AR, resident Meredith Lovell while waiting in line. "But given all the crazy stuff that's going on these days, I'm sure the government has a very good reason." Said Amos Hawkins, a Rockford, IL, delivery driver: "I guess this is another thing they have to do to ensure our freedom."

Freedoms Curtailed In Defense Of Liberty

WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to the threats facing America's free democratic system, White House officials called upon Americans to stop exercising their democratic freedoms Monday.

America A Fascist Police State, Stoned Underage Drunk Driver Charges

SMYRNA, GA–Outraged by the brutal suppression of civil liberties that has defined the nation's history, stoned 15-year-old Corey Shifflett denounced America as a "total fascist police state" following his drunk-driving arrest Saturday. "This whole country is, like, totally Hitlered-out," Shifflett told friend Glen Withers, who posted his $500 bail. "These cops, they're just looking for any excuse to pull us over and hassle us, just to feel like fuckin' Superman." Shifflett then knocked over an orange highway cone and vowed to move to Amsterdam.
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civil liberties

Report: Majority Of Nation’s Civic Engagement Centered Around Oppressing Other People

WASHINGTON—Providing insight into how American citizens participate in the political process, a report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center revealed that the vast majority of civic engagement in the U.S. centers around oppressing other people. “We found that Americans are fairly active in making their voices heard and engaging in the public sphere, typically in an effort to restrict the rights of those who look or behave differently from them,” said lead researcher Dana McNeil, who added that well over two-thirds of the nation’s rallies, petitions, and letter-writing campaigns were aimed at making life worse for a portion of the population of which the participants were not a part. “Taking away the rights of other people was by far the most common subject of calls placed to congressional representatives, as well as the single greatest factor in predicting voter turnout. Indeed, when Americans join a citizens group or volunteer their time for a cause, more often than not, it’s to shout angrily at a specific group of people and call for their persecution.” McNeil added that, at the very least, it was encouraging to see so many Americans using the democratic process to make lasting change.


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