NAIROBI, KENYA—Kenyan President Emilio Mwai Kibaki said Monday that his country continues to enjoy excellent diplomatic relations with former U.S. President Bill Clinton. "I have always enjoyed working with Mr. Clinton, and the recent international Agricultural Development Conference was no exception," Kibaki said. "And I know that [Democratic Republic of the Congo President] Joseph Kabila enjoyed meeting with him to secure an American commitment for humanitarian aid, as well." Kibaki said that none of the leaders have anything in particular against President Bush, but added that all the same, they'd rather stick with Clinton.
WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Frankly discussing his addiction to painkillers, conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh told his radio audience Monday that his abuse of OxyContin was a "remnant of the anything-goes ideology of the Clinton Administration." "Friends, all I can say is 'I told you so,'" said Limbaugh, from an undisclosed drug-treatment facility. "Were it not for Bill Clinton's loose policies on drug offenders and his rampant immorality, I would not have found myself in this predicament." Limbaugh added that he's staying at a rehab center created by the tax-and-spend liberals.
LITTLE ROCK, AR— Former president Bill Clinton joined local rock band Jimmy Ellis & The Houserockers onstage for a cover of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" Saturday. "Come on up here, Mr. President!" Ellis urged Clinton, whom he spotted near the back of the crowd. "Show the nice folks how it's done!" Following the performance, Clinton remained onstage for a rollicking rendition of Garth Brooks' "Friends In Low Places."
NEW YORK–Six months after leaving Washington, a despondent Al Gore expressed frustration and sadness Monday that Bill Clinton no longer calls or makes an effort to maintain their once-close friendship.
WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report in Monday's Washington Post, on Jan. 14, Bill Clinton accepted a $60 rebate on an O'Sullivan office workcenter while in Office Depot. "In his final days as president, Mr. Clinton knowingly took money as an enticement to purchase a $300 desk, leveraging his status as a valued customer of Office Depot for personal gain," the report stated. "The sales associate who orchestrated the deal, Marc Ryback, has a history of dealings with the president dating back to a November 1995 photocopier-for-cash exchange." Said a spokesman for the former president: "Mr. Clinton regrets any wrongdoing that may have occurred."
WASHINGTON, DC–More than a month after moving into the White House, President Bush continues to receive former occupant Bill Clinton's mail, Bush reported Monday. "Is it so hard to fill out a change-of-address form at the post office?" asked Bush, waving a copy of Rolling Stone addressed to Clinton. "I suppose he expects me to mail all this to him." Bush added that if one more Sierra Club newsletter arrives for Clinton, it is going straight into the trash.
WASHINGTON, DC–At his mandatory post-presidency appointment with White House guidance counselor Larry Schecht, Bill Clinton was encouraged to consider a career in hotel management Monday. "Your Myers Briggs score suggests you would do well in a variety of job fields," Schecht told Clinton. "You could be anything from an architect to a food scientist, but your strong people skills indicate you would make an ideal hotel manager." To learn more about the field, Schecht recommended that Clinton set up informational interviews at some Washington-area hotels, as well as complete the exercises in the book What Color Is Your Parachute?
WASHINGTON, DC–Surveying the White House's walls and bathroom fixtures in preparation for move-out, President Clinton said Monday that he expects to forfeit his security deposit. "It's just not worth it," Clinton said. "I'd rather lose the $575 than have to deal with fixing all the nail holes and chipped porticos and stuff." Noticing a small, brownish stain on the East Room's carpet, Clinton added: "It's not like the place is trashed, but eight years of summits and state dinners are really going to take their toll on a place."
BOSTON–Responding to debate opponent Al Gore's promise to pay off the national debt in 12 years by devoting $2 of projected surpluses toward debt reduction for every $1 used for tax cuts, George W. Bush vowed to do "that thing Gore just said, only better" during Tuesday's presidential debate. "Yeah, that debt thing," the Republican candidate said during his allotted 90-second rebuttal. "I'm going to do that, but, like, 10 times better." Bush added that, as president, he would "do all that stuff Gore said about education and the environment, but my version would work twice as good."
WASHINGTON, DC–With his lead in presidential polls narrowing to just four points over Republican challenger George W. Bush, an already anxious Al Gore wondered aloud Monday whether the latest Doonesbury is about him.
ONEONTA, NY–Ending weeks of speculation, Hillary Clinton's campaign manager confirmed Monday that the Democratic candidate is dropping her last name from the New York Senate race. "After much consideration, Hillary has decided that she can run a leaner, more effective campaign with just her first name," Howard Wolfson announced at a rally in Oneonta. "We thank all of Hillary's supporters, and all the citizens of the great state of New York, for standing by her on her road to becoming 'Senator Hillary.'" Hillary is married to politician Bill Clinton.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!