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Heaven Prepares For Huge Rush Of College Kids Over Spring Break

THE HEAVENS—Saying this was by far the realm’s most hectic time of year, angelic sources told reporters Monday that the Eternal Paradise of Heaven is in a frenzy of activity due to preparations for the massive influx of college students expected over the spring break holidays.

The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges

With studies showing that for-profit college degrees create more debt and no more added value for students, many are questioning the merits of these institutions. Here are the pros and cons of for-profit colleges

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

The Pros And Cons Of Attending College

A four-year degree can open doors to a bright future, though many people don’t think it will benefit their career path. Here are some pros and cons of attending college.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Tips For Successful Campus Activism

With protests effecting change at colleges and universities across the country, many students are looking to follow the example and bring awareness to causes of their own. Here are The Onion’s tips for successful campus activism

Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College.

SAT Prep Tips

The first SAT test of the new school year takes place November 7, and students’ scores will determine which colleges will take their applications seriously. Here are some tips for acing the SAT and getting into the college of your dreams
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Notable Commencement Speakers For The Class Of 2017

Each spring, colleges around the country invite luminaries and public figures to speak to their graduating class. Here are this year’s most notable speakers:

  • The Dalai Lama, UC San Diego

    The spiritual leader is expected to offer graduates advice about living untethered from earthly possessions, at least until the job market picks up a little

  • Sheryl Sandberg, University of Virginia

    Facebook’s COO will remind the class of 2017 that no matter where life’s journey might lead them, Facebook owns them

  • Bernie Sanders, Brooklyn College

    Sanders plans to drive home the point that all of this could have been free

  • Billie Jean King, Northwestern University

    As a former tennis champion, King will provide insight about keeping your chin up in the face of a returned serve low to your left side

  • Hillary Clinton, Wellesley College

    Clinton is scheduled to speak to graduates of her alma mater, though critics are already condemning her for not scheduling more commencement speeches in Wisconsin

  • Tim Cook, MIT

    Apple’s CEO is expected to unveil a slightly smoother updated version of his GWU 2015 commencement speech

  • Mike Pence, Notre Dame

    Vice President Pence has agreed to speak under the condition that female graduates wear full-body mortarboards

  • Steven Levitan, University Of Wisconsin

    The Modern Family creator will talk openly about overcoming the struggles he faced as a member of the 18-34 demographic

  • Barack Obama, Monsters University

    In one of this year’s most anticipated speeches, the 44th president will address the nation’s scariest students

  • Steven Van Zandt, Rutgers University

    By speaking about his years as a guitarist in The E Street Band and cast member of The Sopranos, Van Zandt will inspire graduates with the absolute best case scenario for never getting out of New Jersey

  • Oprah Winfrey, Skidmore College

    She’s always good at this kind of shit

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The Pros And Cons Of Attending College

A four-year degree can open doors to a bright future, though many people don’t think it will benefit their career path. Here are some pros and cons of attending college.

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