adBlockCheck

Frustrated UNC Student Too Busy Studying For Players’ Tests To Watch Title Game

Top Headlines

college basketball

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

Penn State Honors Legendary 2012 Legal Team During Halftime

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Recognizing their incredible contributions to both the athletic program and the school as a whole, Penn State University reportedly honored the legendary members of its 2012 legal team during halftime of Saturday’s football g...

Onion Sports’ Sweet 16 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this year’s NCAA Tournament Sweet 16: Florida vs. UCLA OSN’s Pick: Florida — As long as the Gators are hitting their shots, they’...

Surge Answered With Rally

SAN DIEGO—With a succession of quick baskets during the NCAA Tournament Friday, sources confirmed that a surge was quickly answered by a rally.

Warren Buffett Offers $1 Billion For Dick Vitale To Shut Up

OMAHA, NE—In a move that has excited millions of fans across the country, business magnate Warren Buffett announced Wednesday that he will pay a grand prize of $1 billion if famed college basketball analyst Dick Vitale manages to shut up for the dur...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Lawn and Garden

Frustrated UNC Student Too Busy Studying For Players’ Tests To Watch Title Game

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Lamenting that he won’t be able to watch the highly anticipated game with his friends, University of North Carolina junior Aaron Wright expressed his frustration Monday that he will be too busy studying for players’ tests to watch the Tar Heels play Villanova for the NCAA National Championship. “Man, I wish I could watch tonight, but there are four different exams I have to prepare for this week,” said Wright, adding that he will only be able to periodically check the game’s score on his phone while cramming all night for senior forward Brice Johnson’s human physiology exam. “I might stream it on my laptop during the second half just to have it on in the background, but I’ll probably be too busy trying to memorize equations for the stats test [small forward] Justin Jackson has on Wednesday to even pay attention to what’s happening. God, this sucks.” At press time, Wright was ignoring a slew of text messages from his roommate about the game while rushing to finish the 12-page European history paper junior guard Kanler Coker has due tomorrow morning.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close