Furious Rick Pitino Adamant Media Trying To Tarnish Name Of Great Escort Service

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college basketball

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

Penn State Honors Legendary 2012 Legal Team During Halftime

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Recognizing their incredible contributions to both the athletic program and the school as a whole, Penn State University reportedly honored the legendary members of its 2012 legal team during halftime of Saturday’s football g...

Onion Sports’ Sweet 16 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this year’s NCAA Tournament Sweet 16: Florida vs. UCLA OSN’s Pick: Florida — As long as the Gators are hitting their shots, they’...

Surge Answered With Rally

SAN DIEGO—With a succession of quick baskets during the NCAA Tournament Friday, sources confirmed that a surge was quickly answered by a rally.

Warren Buffett Offers $1 Billion For Dick Vitale To Shut Up

OMAHA, NE—In a move that has excited millions of fans across the country, business magnate Warren Buffett announced Wednesday that he will pay a grand prize of $1 billion if famed college basketball analyst Dick Vitale manages to shut up for the dur...

Mascot Absolutely Reeks

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying that they probably never clean the thing, sources confirmed Friday that Syracuse University’s mascot Otto the Orange absolutely reeked as he wove his way in and out of stands.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Furious Rick Pitino Adamant Media Trying To Tarnish Name Of Great Escort Service

LOUISVILLE, KY—Following the publication of a book alleging that a member of the school’s basketball department paid women to perform sex acts for recruits, furious University of Louisville head coach Rick Pitino told reporters Wednesday that the media was trying to tarnish the name of a great escort service. “No one, I repeat no one, in the Cardinals community has anything but good things to say about these ladies, and it’s absolutely shameful to see their names get dragged through the mud,” said an enraged Pitino, blasting news outlets for maliciously attacking the reputation of a highly regarded, hardworking escort service. “To say I’m disgusted and disappointed with the way the press has recklessly tried to cast aspersions on this escort service would be an understatement. Say what you will about me, I’m the coach of this team, but I won’t stand for the media smearing these women and the outstanding services they provide.” Pitino added that he was confident the university’s independent investigation would find grounds for legal action against members of the press for defamation of the escort service’s character.