college football

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Fantasy Football Week 10: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week: Start ’Em Colin Kaepernick (QB): Kaepernick’s ability to move around in the pocket ...
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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

  • Strongside
    • Speed and agility could give him as many as .003 extra seconds in the pocket against NFL-level pass rush

    • Has already verbally committed to Broncos

    • Big, strong hands give his grip that sense of comforting security teams are looking for

    • Name really going to roll off Al Michaels’ tongue

    • Natural leadership traits of a good-looking 6’3” college student who’s never had anyone doubt them in his life

    • Pretty much keeps the Christ stuff to himself

  • Weakside
    • Respects a man named Dabo

    • Smaller-than-average frame may have difficulty holding up to NFL-level HGH regimens

    • People change

    • Struggles to evade tacklers in celebratory dogpiles

    • Was among slowest in nation at looking up into camera during pregame highlight package

    • Took three years to complete degree in communications

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