LITTLETON, MA—Staring over a month-old press release announcing the opening of a new Supercenter, senior executives at Wal-Mart said they were a little freaked out that the people of Littleton, MA appear to have made no effort to stop them. ...
UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.
Hollywood Blasted For Failure To Portray Modern Dorks Of Color
LOS ANGELES—A coalition of African-American activists and scholars released a strongly worded statement Monday citing the "urgent need" for popular media to depict a new black nerd archetype that more accurately reflects the full spectrum of 21st-century American dorkdom.
FORT SCOTT, KS—"Honestly, I don't see the people of Fort Scott looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to one another for anything ever again," said mayor Thomas Dietrich.
Following approved article contains: Detailed account of American selfishness in matters concerning the state; The multiple failures of Illinois resident Geoff Ross and how he has become a shameful hindrance to his community at large; Unwavering egoism.
DETROIT—In a heartwarming display of community feeling, members of the Delray neighborhood in southwest Detroit have banded together to find Milo Patterson, 38, the latest parent to vanish in the string of mysterious abductions that has plagued the area.
It seems like every house in this town has a fence, every door a lock. Our next-door neighbors have become strangers. We've lost touch with our friends. Our community's streets are safer than ever, but its residents have become isolated. We desperately need something to strengthen the common bonds that have weakened over time. If you ask me, what this town needs is a child in a well.
NEW YORK–Miguel Nunez, a Brooklyn-based artist, has sparked protest and outrage within the art community with his "Jesus Rising #4," a non-controversial, non-feces-smeared painting that in no way defiles or blasphemes Jesus Christ.
CLEARWATER, FL–Residents of the just-opened 200-acre gated resort community occupying Lot 643 of Pinellas County are still unable to agree on a name, community leaders confirmed Tuesday. "We've already ruled out 'Cypress Bay,' 'Orchard Ridge,' and 'Cedar Landing,'" association head Will Lufkin said. "Next week we're scheduled to debate 'Osprey Glen,' 'Maplewood Creek,' and 'Pipers Plantation.' I'd just like to get it taken care of soon, so we can get started on a newsletter."
CHULA VISTA, CA–Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush extended a hand of friendship to the nation's Hispanic community Monday, leaving a larger-than-customary tip for waiter Ramon Gonzalez after eating at La Galleria, a trendy Chula Vista bistro.
MANHATTAN, NY—Nestled in the southeast corner of New York State, Manhattan is an old-fashioned sort of community, the kind of place where people still live in close proximity to one another and walk to the corner store to pick up the daily paper.
PLEASANT, NC—Outraged community members are mounting an aggressive public protest campaign this week in response to an X-rated videotape availiable at Pleasant's Video Villa video store, claiming that the tape does not contain the "Spectacular All-Anal Action" promised on its cover.
THE SANDBOX—Blasts of chemically coded vapor signifying distress were heard throughout the ant community yesterday, when Colony #000567KLN00067Q was attacked and nearly obliterated by a giant mammalian destructor-beast.