adBlockCheck

community

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.

African-American Community Calls For New Black Nerd Archetype

Hollywood Blasted For Failure To Portray Modern Dorks Of Color

LOS ANGELES—A coalition of African-American activists and scholars released a strongly worded statement Monday citing the "urgent need" for popular media to depict a new black nerd archetype that more accurately reflects the full spectrum of 21st-century American dorkdom.

Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

FORT SCOTT, KS—"Honestly, I don't see the people of Fort Scott looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to one another for anything ever again," said mayor Thomas Dietrich.

Inner-City Community Bands Together To Find Missing Parent

DETROIT—In a heartwarming display of community feeling, members of the Delray neighborhood in southwest Detroit have banded together to find Milo Patterson, 38, the latest parent to vanish in the string of mysterious abductions that has plagued the area.

What This Town Needs Is A Child In A Well

It seems like every house in this town has a fence, every door a lock. Our next-door neighbors have become strangers. We've lost touch with our friends. Our community's streets are safer than ever, but its residents have become isolated. We desperately need something to strengthen the common bonds that have weakened over time. If you ask me, what this town needs is a child in a well.

Latino Community Empowered By Coke Commercial

LOS ANGELES—A Coca-Cola commercial celebrating Latin American culture made its debut on several major networks last week, empowering and uplifting Latinos nationwide, sources reported Monday.

New Resort Community Still Trying To Think Of Name

CLEARWATER, FL–Residents of the just-opened 200-acre gated resort community occupying Lot 643 of Pinellas County are still unable to agree on a name, community leaders confirmed Tuesday. "We've already ruled out 'Cypress Bay,' 'Orchard Ridge,' and 'Cedar Landing,'" association head Will Lufkin said. "Next week we're scheduled to debate 'Osprey Glen,' 'Maplewood Creek,' and 'Pipers Plantation.' I'd just like to get it taken care of soon, so we can get started on a newsletter."

Bush Reaches Out To Hispanic Community With Generous Tip

CHULA VISTA, CA–Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush extended a hand of friendship to the nation's Hispanic community Monday, leaving a larger-than-customary tip for waiter Ramon Gonzalez after eating at La Galleria, a trendy Chula Vista bistro.

Couple's Divorce Stuns Tight-Knit Community Of Manhattan

MANHATTAN, NY—Nestled in the southeast corner of New York State, Manhattan is an old-fashioned sort of community, the kind of place where people still live in close proximity to one another and walk to the corner store to pick up the daily paper.

Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video

PLEASANT, NC—Outraged community members are mounting an aggressive public protest campaign this week in response to an X-rated videotape availiable at Pleasant's Video Villa video store, claiming that the tape does not contain the "Spectacular All-Anal Action" promised on its cover.

Giant Six-Year-Old Devastates Area Ant Community

THE SANDBOX—Blasts of chemically coded vapor signifying distress were heard throughout the ant community yesterday, when Colony #000567KLN00067Q was attacked and nearly obliterated by a giant mammalian destructor-beast.
End Of Section
  • More News

How To Stay Politically Active After The Election

The election results have left many people with the urge to stay politically engaged and keep fighting for change. Here are some ways to make a difference whether your chosen candidate won or lost:

  • Don’t just head to the polls in presidential election years. Vote in smaller, more regional junior high and high school class elections as well.

  • Seek more of a leadership role within the comments section of your brother-in-law’s latest political rant.

  • Finally mailing in that ballot couldn’t hurt.

  • Counteract the environmental impact of America’s likely withdrawal from the Paris Agreement on climate change by bringing your own bag to the grocery store.

  • Consider signing a couple petitions that are unrelated to casting choices for film adaptations of comic books.

  • Support the freedom of the press by sending a big scoop their way whenever you can.

  • The internet can often blur fact and speculation. Fight misinformation online with a polite dismantling of FaggotHunter1974’s argumentum ad baculum fallacy.

  • Volunteer your time at least an hour each week meeting up with like-minded people to concur that you are worried about the direction in which this country is headed.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close