Wal-Mart Executives Kind Of Weirded Out By Town Not Putting Up Any Resistance To Store Opening

In This Section

community

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.

African-American Community Calls For New Black Nerd Archetype

Hollywood Blasted For Failure To Portray Modern Dorks Of Color

LOS ANGELES—A coalition of African-American activists and scholars released a strongly worded statement Monday citing the "urgent need" for popular media to depict a new black nerd archetype that more accurately reflects the full spectrum of 21st-century American dorkdom.

Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

FORT SCOTT, KS—"Honestly, I don't see the people of Fort Scott looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to one another for anything ever again," said mayor Thomas Dietrich.

Inner-City Community Bands Together To Find Missing Parent

DETROIT—In a heartwarming display of community feeling, members of the Delray neighborhood in southwest Detroit have banded together to find Milo Patterson, 38, the latest parent to vanish in the string of mysterious abductions that has plagued the area.

What This Town Needs Is A Child In A Well

It seems like every house in this town has a fence, every door a lock. Our next-door neighbors have become strangers. We've lost touch with our friends. Our community's streets are safer than ever, but its residents have become isolated. We desperately need something to strengthen the common bonds that have weakened over time. If you ask me, what this town needs is a child in a well.

Latino Community Empowered By Coke Commercial

LOS ANGELES—A Coca-Cola commercial celebrating Latin American culture made its debut on several major networks last week, empowering and uplifting Latinos nationwide, sources reported Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Holiday

Wal-Mart Executives Kind Of Weirded Out By Town Not Putting Up Any Resistance To Store Opening

LITTLETON, MA—Staring over a month-old press release announcing the opening of a new Supercenter, senior executives at Wal-Mart said they were a little freaked out that the people of Littleton, MA appear to have made no effort to stop them. "No emotionally charged town hall meetings, no petitions to save local businesses, no calls to state representatives, nothing," chief operating officer Gisel Ruiz said as she reread the company statement explaining that the first phase of construction would entail demolishing several buildings of historical significance to the town. "It's been so quiet, it's making me nervous. What if they're up to something? Even if they're not, maybe this isn't a good location for us after all. If there's no public outrage, something must be wrong." At press time, executives had stated that as long as nobody cared, they would go ahead and start phasing out employee health care benefits completely.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More