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NSA: ‘Can Somebody Good At Computers Help Us?’

FORT MEADE, MD—Explaining that things weren’t working right and he didn’t know why, visibly frustrated National Security Agency director Michael S. Rogers called a press conference Thursday afternoon to ask if somebody good at computers could help out the intelligence organization.

World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker

TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.

Keeping Your Child Safe Online

Polls indicate that 95 percent of teenagers are online, while a growing number of young children now have access to internet-capable cell phones and devices.

Tips For Troubleshooting Your Computer

Even the most experienced user can run into error messages, software crashes, hardware malfunctions, and other issues with their computer. Here are some tips for keeping your machine running smoothly

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby...

OS X Snow Leopard vs. Windows 7

Microsoft announced it will be releasing a new edition of its operating software, called Windows 7, while Apple is working on its new OS X Snow...
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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

  • To reduce your risk of harassment, avoid using any forums or websites visited by people you do not know.

  • Report any adverse incidents to site moderators, who are trained experts in explaining that there’s very little they can do.

  • Make an honest effort to reach outside your political “bubble” and really get to know the thoughts and beliefs of those threatening your family over Twitter.

  • File a detailed report with your local law enforcement backlog.

  • Buy up any potential domain names that others could use to make hateful websites about you, such as ihatejeffclark.com, ihatejeffclark.net, ihatejeffclark.org, and ihatejeffclark.co.uk.

  • If you are a woman, take the necessary steps to ensure no one in cyberspace is aware of that.

  • Remember that if you just keep your head down, never voice your opinion, and never react in any way to the opinions of those around you, there is a remote chance you’ll make it out of this era unscathed.

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