NSA: ‘Can Somebody Good At Computers Help Us?’

Top Headlines


World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker

TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.

Keeping Your Child Safe Online

Polls indicate that 95 percent of teenagers are online, while a growing number of young children now have access to internet-capable cell phones and devices.

Tips For Troubleshooting Your Computer

Even the most experienced user can run into error messages, software crashes, hardware malfunctions, and other issues with their computer. Here are some tips for keeping your machine running smoothly

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby...

OS X Snow Leopard vs. Windows 7

Microsoft announced it will be releasing a new edition of its operating software, called Windows 7, while Apple is working on its new OS X Snow...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next


NSA: ‘Can Somebody Good At Computers Help Us?’

FORT MEADE, MD—Explaining that things weren’t working right and he didn’t know why, visibly frustrated National Security Agency director Michael S. Rogers called a press conference Thursday afternoon to ask if somebody good at computers could help out the intelligence organization. “We must have done something wrong and now everything’s all screwed up—is there anybody who knows computers that can fix it for us?” said Rogers, adding that he doesn’t know whether he hit a wrong key at some point or if he got “the virus,” but would just like somebody to make the agency’s computers work like they did before all this. “I’m no good with this type of stuff, and all I want to do is check my emails. Can someone just come by my office and make the problem go away? I don’t think it should take too long.” Following the press event, Rogers reportedly returned to his desk to sit and patiently wait.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close