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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

NSA: ‘Can Somebody Good At Computers Help Us?’

FORT MEADE, MD—Explaining that things weren’t working right and he didn’t know why, visibly frustrated National Security Agency director Michael S. Rogers called a press conference Thursday afternoon to ask if somebody good at computers could help out the intelligence organization.

World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker

TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.

Keeping Your Child Safe Online

Polls indicate that 95 percent of teenagers are online, while a growing number of young children now have access to internet-capable cell phones and devices.

Tips For Troubleshooting Your Computer

Even the most experienced user can run into error messages, software crashes, hardware malfunctions, and other issues with their computer. Here are some tips for keeping your machine running smoothly

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby...

OS X Snow Leopard vs. Windows 7

Microsoft announced it will be releasing a new edition of its operating software, called Windows 7, while Apple is working on its new OS X Snow...
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World Agrees To Just Take Down Internet For A While Until They Can Find A Good Use For It

Humanity has collectively decided that Twitter mentions, pre-roll advertising, and makeup tutorials by 12-year-olds were themselves sufficient to shelve the internet for at least a decade.
Humanity has collectively decided that Twitter mentions, pre-roll advertising, and makeup tutorials by 12-year-olds were themselves sufficient to shelve the internet for at least a decade.

NEW YORK—Saying the global computer network will cease to be available to users as of midnight tonight, the people of the world announced plans Wednesday to shut down the entire internet until such time as a good use for it can be found.

According to the earth’s 7.5 billion inhabitants, the internet—a technology that allows every human on the face of the planet to communicate and share data with every other human—seemed like an excellent idea at first. But while limited parts of the internet were deemed beneficial and may one day be salvaged, the global populace concluded that the overwhelming majority of it is really awful, and in some cases, even dangerous.

“Sure, it’s convenient to have this staggering amount of data at your fingertips, but once you consider that almost none of it is put to any kind of productive use, it just doesn’t seem worth it having it around, you know?” said Cleveland-based internet user Rhonda Tibbs, 39, echoing the thoughts of all humanity as she described a technology that mostly serves to amplify the voices of alienated, misinformed, and overly aggressive people. “I think it was actually okay in the beginning, even helpful. But, man, it really has gone off the rails.”

“That’s why we’re pulling the plug, right now, before it gets any worse,” Tibbs added.

Speaking to reporters, individuals across the globe cited social media as perhaps the internet’s most problematic component, having wrongly assumed it was wise to allow people to share their opinions via a tool that generously rewards whoever makes the most shocking and abhorrent statements most frequently.

But the populace also observed that the internet, originally designed as a way for research institutions to share data, was now largely a repository of sponsored content, pop-up ads, movies no one will ever watch, spam, elaborate identity theft schemes, bank accounts vulnerable to hacking, middle-aged men badly covering Aerosmith on YouTube, futile online petitions, grossly embellished OkCupid profiles, spyware, fan-generated Lord Of The Rings erotica, celebrity gossip, anti-Semitic memes, revenge porn, deceptive apartment listings, and death threats.

“The internet is horrible—there’s so much of this thing that people just shouldn’t be using at all,” said Graham Curtis, a 52-year-old Dublin, Ireland, resident. “I think the original idea was that you’d log on and express a viewpoint, and then someone else would express theirs. Then some kind of semi-constructive dialogue would take place. Instead, you go online and someone almost immediately tells you he’d laugh so hard if you offed yourself.”

“I’m glad we’re taking it down, and if it ever gets put back up, hopefully there will be some kind of quality control,” he added. “If you’re using the internet just to tell me what your 10 favorite Amy Adams movies are, and not even in any particular order, then maybe you shouldn’t be using it at all.”

Across the world, discussions have taken place as to how the internet, if it is one day revived, could be made less appalling. Several guidelines have reportedly been proposed, including a minimum age requirement and a questionnaire aimed at identifying the most frivolous or virulent users, and then either barring them entirely or corralling them inside a section of the internet dedicated to people who do nothing but make humanity worse.

While access to email and online weather services would remain largely unchanged, sources confirmed that Reddit and 4chan would be eliminated entirely, and the internet would be strictly limited to a single, reliable database of song lyrics.

“We can put the internet back up eventually, but right now we need to take a step back and really think about what we want from it,” said Devansh Patel, 27, of Chennai, India. “Linking networks of computers to facilitate the free exchange of ideas was great in theory, but it just hasn’t produced anything of merit. I still think it has potential, though, and with any luck, we can bring it back in my lifetime.”

“Nevertheless, I think everyone agrees the next internet should contain only factual information,” he continued. “I’m not sure why they didn’t think of that in the first place.”

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Tips For Troubleshooting Your Computer

Even the most experienced user can run into error messages, software crashes, hardware malfunctions, and other issues with their computer. Here are some tips for keeping your machine running smoothly

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

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