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concerts

No One Makes It To Burning Man Festival

GERLACH, NV—The Burning Man festival, a prominent artistic and countercultural event that draws tens of thousands of people to the Nevada desert annually, is in danger of cancellation this week because "no one had their shit together enough to even make it," organizers said Tuesday.

Summer Music Festivals

Summer's here, and that means it's time for music festivals. What are some of this year's big tours?

Punk Band Has Something Against Local Newscaster For Some Reason

HARRISBURG, PA—Crucial Consensus, a local hardcore punk band, apparently holds a longstanding grudge against Channel 27 newsanchor Rick Wagner. "They opened with this song called 'DickLick Wagner,'" said Brad Gottesman, 17, who attended the group's Tuesday show at the Harrisburg VFW Hall. "Then they played something called 'Phlegm At Eleven,' followed by 'Wankorman' and 'Channel 666.' They really seem to hate the media—especially, for some reason, Rick Wagner."

'Farm Aid Aid' Concert To Benefit Struggling Farm Aid Concerts

INDIANAPOLIS–A special Farm Aid Aid concert will be held Oct. 3 in Indianapolis to raise money for America's struggling Farm Aid concerts, event organizer Willie Nelson announced Monday. "Fifteen years ago, our nation's Farm Aid concerts were thriving, with millions of Americans flocking to see such artists as John Mellencamp, Neil Young, and myself," Nelson said. "But today, with ticket sales dwindling and subsidies nonexistent, countless hard-working Farm Aid promoters have been forced to foreclose on bookings in amphitheaters one-tenth the size of the stadiums they once filled."

Congress Discontinues Festival Seating After Insurance-Deregulation-Bill Stampede

WASHINGTON, DC—Reacting to the Sept. 7 stampede in which 18 members of the House of Representatives were trampled to death in a mad dash to get good seats for a debate and vote on insurance-deregulation bill H.R. 1627, Congress announced Monday that it will end its longtime "festival seating" policy. "Regrettably, there is no way to turn back the clock and prevent the senseless loss of these representatives," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert told reporters. "But we can take steps to ensure that horrible tragedies like this never happen again." In the future, Hastert said, congressmen will purchase tickets with preassigned seat numbers and be required to sit in that seat.
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Crowd Can’t Believe Balls On Frontman Who Waited Till Third Song To Ask Them How They’re Doing

BURLINGTON, VT—Astounded by his brazen lack of concern for their well-being, the crowd at The Showbox rock club reportedly couldn’t believe the balls on the frontman of indie-rock group Corinthian Leather, who sources said waited until the third song of his Tuesday night set to ask them how they were doing. “Are you kidding me? Who the fuck does this guy think he is?” said concertgoer Amelia Nelson, 27, one of many audience members stunned by the fact that two entire songs had elapsed before the lead singer demonstrated the slightest interest in how they were feeling. “Oh, now you want to ask me if I’m ready to rock? Well, guess what? It’s too late for that. Maybe just cut the banter, finish up your set, and get the fuck out of here, because you’ve already proved we don’t matter to you.” Audience members were later heard audibly scoffing when the frontman urged them to clap along as if he hadn’t just insinuated that they could all drop dead for all he cares.

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