Congress Allocates $500 Million For Development Of Funkier Bass Lines

Top Headlines


NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Congress Allocates $500 Million For Development Of Funkier Bass Lines

WASHINGTON—Stating that the measure was essential for holding down the beat and getting people outta their seat, Congress reportedly allocated $500 million Monday for the development of funkier bass lines. “This funding will go a long way toward improving today’s bass lines, which have steadily grown less funky and often fail to truly get down, and will help establish a set of new booty-shaking grooves,” said Rep. Dave Trott (R-MI), who co-sponsored the bill with Rep. Cedric Richmond (D-LA), adding that Congress has already begun working with numerous experts, including Bootsy Collins, Victor Wooten, and Flea, to produce syncopated runs and fat, gooey tones on a variety of low-end riffs intended to tear the roof off the sucka. “By innovating new rapid-fire slap and pop techniques, as well as investing heavily in a state-of-the-art envelope filter, we hope to significantly increase the development of thumping old-school bass solos, ensuring that Americans will bust loose on the dance floor for years to come.” The bill comes on the heels of Congress’ recent $1 billion allocation to fund the establishment of a super-tight horn section.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close