NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
End Of Section
  • More News

Congressman Excited To Be Working On Bill With Intern He Has Huge Crush On

WASHINGTON—Saying he got butterflies in his stomach the minute he learned they’d both be involved in drafting the legislation, congressman Jerry Bremner (R-NC) told reporters Tuesday he was excited to be working on a bill with an intern he has a huge crush on. “I’ve liked her for a long time, but I just haven’t had a good excuse to strike up a conversation, so working together on this project will be perfect,” said Bremner of the 21-year-old University of Michigan junior, adding that to this point, he had only awkwardly mumbled hello the handful of times he had bumped into her around the Capitol Building. “I should make sure I do a bunch of research so it’s clear I know my stuff. I’ll never forgive myself if I look stupid in front of her.” Sources later confirmed that Bremner was mentally berating himself after their first meeting for coming across like a total weirdo.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close