Lonesome Alito Declares Marriage Only Between A Man And The Sea

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Iraqi Constitution Ratified, Burned

BAGHDAD—The people of Iraq celebrated the passage of their new constitution Monday, in a formal ceremony that included a stirring speech by Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, a series of explosions that left 77 dead, and a traditional dance performed by Iraqi schoolchildren. After many weeks of squabbling and protracted negotiations between Kurds, Sunnis, and Shiites, the historic document was declared the law of the land and destroyed...

Iraqi Constitution

Iraq unveiled the final draft of its constitution last week. What are some of the provisions?

Special 'Framers' Cut' Of Constitution To Feature Five Deleted Amendments

WASHINGTON, DC–The National Archives and Records Administration announced plans Monday to release a special "framers' cut" of the Constitution featuring five bonus amendments deleted from the original. According to NARA head John Carlin, the new document includes "more than the 35 lines of never-before-seen provisions sure to thrill history buffs." Among the goodies: an early draft of the Fifth Amendment protecting citizens from being put in quintuple jeopardy and a rare, unnumbered Amendment granting each member of Congress the right to "one concubine of his choosing per term served." The expanded version will also include "framers' commentary" by Alexander Hamilton and James Madison written in the margins, as well as a "Making Of The Constitution" document after the list of framers' signatures.
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Lonesome Alito Declares Marriage Only Between A Man And The Sea

WASHINGTON—Reaffirming a deeply traditionalist definition of the institution of matrimony, Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito issued a statement Monday declaring that marriage can only strictly exist between a man and the tempestuous sea. “It is my opinion that the only constitutionally sanctionable union is composed of a seafaring man and the solitary life of fickle winds and brine-crested breakers,” said Alito, adding that any current law that fails to narrowly delineate marriage as a compact involving a man, the churning waves, and the sea-song of gulls in the early dawn is invalid according to the highest law of the land. “The principle of equal protection enshrined in the Constitution emphatically does not entitle the federal government or any state body to redefine this sacred maritime institution. The Founding Fathers recognized that the heart belongs to the tides and the deep alone—in both stormful days and calm waters.” Alito went on to say that marriage between a man and the sea must be preserved as such despite the fact that she can be a cruel mistress with little heed for what a forsaken old sailor wills.