Eating Locally

The locavore movement—in which people eat food produced near their home to reduce their carbon footprint—is getting more and more popular. Here are some ways you can do more to eat locally.

Cooking For Large Groups

As the warmer weather approaches, many people will open their houses to larger dinner parties. Here are some ways to take the sting out of cooking for a large group of people.

Man At Very Top Of Food Chain Chooses Bugles

SOUTH BEND, IN—Despite having no natural enemies and belonging to a species that completely dominates its ecosystem, local IT manager Reggie Atkinson opted to consume the processed corn snack Bugles Monday.

FDA Approves Salmonella

WASHINGTON—Executives at Hellmann's welcomed the news by announcing an entire line of lukewarm, sun-soaked, and partially turned mayonnaises.
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Food Network Goes Off Air After Every Possible Iteration Of Ingredient Combinations Completed

NEW YORK—Causing hundreds of thousands of television sets to go black and silent across the nation, Food Network reportedly went off the air Tuesday evening after exhausting every possible combination of ingredients. “Unfortunately, after 24 years, our on-air personalities have combined every conceivable assortment of food products that exist, and therefore we’re left with no choice but to shut down our broadcast operations,” said Food Network spokesperson Deirdre O’Hearn, who confirmed that upon the addition of a coconut-flake dusting to a panko-crusted shrimp balls appetizer on Tuesday night’s episode of Chopped, the very last permutation of meats, vegetables, fruits, spices, grains, nuts, legumes, and dairy products known to humankind had been completed and televised to viewers. “Following a careful review of all the meals we made in our network’s history, we determined that this was indeed the final recipe iteration that had yet to be prepared. We briefly thought there might have been some dishes we hadn’t added marjoram to yet, but it turns out we were wrong, so we’re closing our studio effective immediately. Thanks for watching.” At press time, Food Network executives were reportedly pondering a return to air after a new species of edible fungus was discovered on a remote Sumatran mountainside.

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