adBlockCheck

Cooperation

Tim Duncan Offers Legal Advice To Wife’s Divorce Lawyer

SAN ANTONIO—After entering into divorce proceedings with his wife of nearly 12 years, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan made his considerable abundance of legal knowledge freely available to his spouse’s divorce lawyer, sources confirmed Wednesda...

Mom Hasn't Ordered Favorite Pizza Topping In Over A Decade

'It's Spinach, They Won't Let Me,' Mom Says

WEXFORD, PA—Saying that “it’s fine, really,” local mother Catherine Reynolds told reporters Wednesday that she has not been able to order her favorite pizza topping, spinach, in nearly 12 years.

Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'

WASHINGTON—Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and ...

Cool New Lakers Coach Doesn't Make Team Play Defense

LOS ANGELES—The mood in the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room was upbeat this morning as players were reportedly enthusiastic about new head coach Mike D’Antoni’s policy of never forcing them to play any defense whatsoever.

Washed-Up Air Bud Signs With Greek Pro Team

RHODES, GREECE—Ignoring critics’ calls for the aging golden retriever's retirement, basketball standout and multisport athlete Air "Bud" Buddy has signed a one-year contract for an undisclosed amount with Kolossos Rodou B.C., a mid-l...

All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer

SAN DIEGO—Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard work and single-minded devotion to Pinnacle Automotive Insurance has finally paid off for CEO Charl...
End Of Section
  • More News

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close