Tips For Jury Duty

Top Headlines


How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...

Justice Scalia Endorses New Easton Gaveling Gloves

WASHINGTON—Saying their gel-filled kangaroo-leather palms give him "the control and comfort I need for the perfect swing," Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia signed a deal Monday with equipment and accessory maker Easton to endorse the c...

Supreme Court Understudy Fills In For Scalia

WASHINGTON—After waiting in the wings of the U.S. Supreme Court for three long years, understudy Albert Dorchester, 28, finally got a chance to fill in for Justice Antonin Scalia Tuesday when a sudden illness kept the veteran jurist from his usual d...

Landmark Gay Rights Cases

With eight states now having legalized same-sex marriage, gay rights have come a long way in the past 100 years. Here are some court cases that have marked key victories for the movement:

Who Is Sonia Sotomayor?

Second U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor was nominated last week to replace Justice David Souter on the Supreme Court. How...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Tips For Jury Duty

Being summoned to serve on a jury is every American’s opportunity to participate in the judicial process and perform a civic duty for their community, but it can be a time-consuming and complicated process. Here are The Onion’s tips for serving jury duty:

  • It’s well worth it to pay the $50 extra to gain admission into the Platinum Jurors Lounge with Wi-Fi, drinks, and appetizers
  • Letting the other jurors know how you’ll be voting ahead of time is an efficient way to speed up the judicial process.
  • Keep an eye out for a young Thomas Gibson in the Welcome To Jury Duty instructional video.
  • Take a load off the judge and declare “I’ll allow it” at regular intervals.
  • Be friendly and affable toward your fellow jurors. In the event the prosecutor presents a particularly damning piece of evidence against the defendant, you’ll want someone to murmur with.
  • Your “Guilty” or “Not Guilty” vote will never be revealed to the public, so feel free to go fucking nuts.
  • Getting charged more than $35 to $45 for a personalized courtroom sketch means you’re being swindled, plain and simple.
  • Keep alert for the shocking possibility that the judge hands down a sentence of life in prison, pointing directly at you instead of the defendant.