WASHINGTON—Anxiously anticipating the Supreme Court’s decision on the issue, the nation was reportedly on edge Wednesday as it waited to see whether the court would legalize gay marriage now or in a few years.
Being summoned to serve on a jury is every American’s opportunity to participate in the judicial process and perform a civic duty for their community, but it can be a time-consuming and complicated process. Here are The Onion’s tips for serving jury duty:
- It’s well worth it to pay the $50 extra to gain admission into the Platinum Jurors Lounge with Wi-Fi, drinks, and appetizers
- Letting the other jurors know how you’ll be voting ahead of time is an efficient way to speed up the judicial process.
- Keep an eye out for a young Thomas Gibson in the Welcome To Jury Duty instructional video.
- Take a load off the judge and declare “I’ll allow it” at regular intervals.
- Be friendly and affable toward your fellow jurors. In the event the prosecutor presents a particularly damning piece of evidence against the defendant, you’ll want someone to murmur with.
- Your “Guilty” or “Not Guilty” vote will never be revealed to the public, so feel free to go fucking nuts.
- Getting charged more than $35 to $45 for a personalized courtroom sketch means you’re being swindled, plain and simple.
- Keep alert for the shocking possibility that the judge hands down a sentence of life in prison, pointing directly at you instead of the defendant.