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crime

Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.
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Police Finally Make Breakthrough In Decades-Old Marijuana Possession Cold Case

AMARILLO, TX—Stating that the pivotal new evidence has helped them get significantly closer to zeroing in on a suspect, the Amarillo Police Department announced Wednesday that they have finally made a breakthrough in a decades-old marijuana possession cold case. “Despite multiple interrogations and stakeouts, the trail went cold shortly after we discovered that dime bag by the 7-Eleven on that fateful day in 1976—that is, until one of our detectives, acting on a hunch, ran some tests on a soda can pipe and Donald Duck lighter confiscated by a nearby high school around the same time,” said police spokesperson Hank Rampart, adding that they couldn’t believe such a huge clue was just sitting there right before their eyes for more than 40 years. “We’ve now fully reopened the case and have put all of our top agents on it. Given this crucial development, it should only be a matter of time until we bring the perpetrator to justice.” Rampart went on to say that whoever this sick person was, they could count on being put away for a long, long time.

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