How To Report A Crime

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Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...
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How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime:

  • STEP 1

    After the crime occurs, take a moment to gather yourself and consider whether any of this is worth interacting with a police officer

  • STEP 2

    Google how to place a phone call

  • STEP 3

    When the dispatcher answers, calmly and clearly scream the details of the incident

  • STEP 4

    Expedite the investigation by dusting for fingerprints while you wait

  • STEP 5

    Carefully review your neighborhood’s snitching policy before speaking with any cops

  • STEP 6

    Describe the perpetrator to police in as much detail as possible, but be sensitive when it comes to the issue of weight

  • STEP 7

    If you haven’t already, now’s a good time to tell them how fast it all happened

  • STEP 8

    Write a Facebook post about the entire ordeal, making sure to repeatedly emphasize that you’re fine, but that it really made you stop and think about how lucky you are, and that you’re just so thankful for all your friends

  • STEP 9

    Some sort of reward for all this trouble, presumably


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