How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...
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Stealing Tampons From Office Bathroom Currently Woman’s Only Source Of Joy

SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy. “Given the way everything’s been going lately, grabbing a handful of tampons and stuffing them into my bag has become the one thing I can really count on to lift my spirits,” said the 28-year-old billing specialist, who added that while the current sociopolitical climate makes it nearly impossible to feel optimistic about anything, purloining the feminine hygiene products every time she enters the office restroom remains a genuine pleasure and is reliably the highlight of her workday. “When I see that fully stocked basket sitting there on the countertop just ripe for the picking, it actually makes my day a bit better. I like knowing that I won’t have to pay for my own tampons and that I’m also taking advantage of my company’s resources. It’s really all I’ve got left to feel good about right now.” Curran added that she had no idea how the millions of women whose workplaces don’t provide free tampons were coping.


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