Report: Tiger That Mauled Roy Horn Still Struggling To Find Work

LAS VEGAS—Fearing the regrettable incident from his past would continue to follow him for the rest of his life, white Bengal tiger Montecore confirmed Friday he was still struggling to find work after mauling magician Roy Horn during a show at the Mirage casino in 2003.

Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.
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Pier 1 Imports Unveils New Self-Defense Vase For Smashing Onto Head Of Home Invader

FT. WORTH, TX—Calling it the ideal accent piece for safeguarding one’s property, Pier 1 Imports unveiled Wednesday a new self-defense vase for smashing on the head of a home invader. “This new dappled blue vase with a gloss finish is designed to shatter upon contact with the skull of any intruder that tries to break into your home,” said spokeswoman Madeline Newland, explaining that it was the perfect decor item for an end table near the front door, bedroom window, or any other area of the house where someone might attempt to illegally enter. “The narrow design makes it easy to grip even with trembling hands, and the sturdy 3-pound body is certain to incapacitate even the brawniest of trespassers—there’s no need to sacrifice elegant design and craftsmanship to protect your family from a robber or potential murderer.” Newland added that the Etruscan-inspired vase is an excellent accompaniment to the Pasha heirloom security runner that can be used to roll up the intruder’s body once his head has been bashed in.

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