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Nothing Doing Down Louisiana Way, Fly-Swattin’ Sources Report

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Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Modern-Day Caligula Orders Everything Bagel

MCKEESPORT, PA—Descending into a lurid bacchanal of decadence and excess, sources confirmed that modern-day Caligula Mike Suzik indulged the darkest and most debauched of his hedonistic appetites Thursday morning by ordering an everything bagel...

Hip-Hop Man Enjoys Making Musical Rapping Sounds

NEW YORK—Noting the degree to which he likes to say rhyming words as a type of music, sources confirmed this week that a hip-hop man very much enjoys creating musical rapping sounds with his mouth and recording said sounds for the purpose of commerc...

Timeless Masterpiece Liked

SANTA CLARA, CA—City Lights, the eternal Charlie Chaplin classic heralded by film scholars as a poignant and seminal work of...
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Nothing Doing Down Louisiana Way, Fly-Swattin’ Sources Report

THE BAYOU—Noting that just ’bout everybody was shut up indoors on account of the weather been sump’n awful, fly-swattin’ local sources done confirmed Tuesday dat nothing doing down Louisiana way. “There ain’t nothing fixin’ to go ova by here but the breeze,” said one down-home source, Jane Boudreaux, who told reporters her parish was moving near ’bout as fast as a crawfish in molasses these days. “Anyways, from here to down da road it’s just skeetas buzzin’ ’round and folks trying to pass a good time.” At press time, yawning sources had reportedly turned ’round to go set down on da porch for a spell.

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