Helpful Museum Map Highlights Exhibits Visitors Don’t Have To Feel Too Bad About Skipping

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Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Modern-Day Caligula Orders Everything Bagel

MCKEESPORT, PA—Descending into a lurid bacchanal of decadence and excess, sources confirmed that modern-day Caligula Mike Suzik indulged the darkest and most debauched of his hedonistic appetites Thursday morning by ordering an everything bagel...

Hip-Hop Man Enjoys Making Musical Rapping Sounds

NEW YORK—Noting the degree to which he likes to say rhyming words as a type of music, sources confirmed this week that a hip-hop man very much enjoys creating musical rapping sounds with his mouth and recording said sounds for the purpose of commerc...
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Helpful Museum Map Highlights Exhibits Visitors Don’t Have To Feel Too Bad About Skipping

LOS ANGELES—Shading the designated sections in red for easy identification by visitors, the Getty Center began distributing helpful museum maps this week highlighting which areas patrons shouldn’t feel too bad about skipping, sources confirmed. “Given the size of the museum, visitors can feel fine blowing right past these exhibits,” read the map’s key, which informed visitors they need not worry about bypassing the decorative arts and illuminated manuscripts in the North and East pavilions on their way to the replica Buddhist cave shrines, and also suggested that while patrons might enjoy a brief stroll through the lower terrace’s sculpture gardens, they would have no regrets if they avoided the museum’s Research Institute gallery entirely. “We recommend visitors poke their heads into these exhibits only if they have a lot of time to kill and have already seen every other part of the museum.” The map reportedly also features yellow shading to designate rooms that might or might not be worth patrons’ time depending on whether ornate 18th-century French furniture happens to be their thing.

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