Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

Report: 92% Of Americans Would Have Gotten Over Ex By Now

AUSTIN, TX—Explaining how they would have moved on with their lives a long time ago, a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Texas revealed that more than 90 percent of Americans would have easily gotten over their ex-partner by now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Empty Wall Behind Couch Falls Into Girlfriend’s Crosshairs

ATLANTA—Zeroing in with laser focus on the far side of the apartment, area woman Jess Macindoe placed the wall behind her boyfriend’s couch squarely in her crosshairs, sources confirmed Friday. Macindoe, whose pupils reportedly dilated at the unadorned white space as she prepared to act, sized up the wall’s entire 8 by 12 feet and began automatically cycling through a tactical suite of paint colors, mirrors, framed photos, and floating wooden shelves. According to apartment sources, Macindoe then locked on and navigated toward her target, recalibrating the precise heights of possible modern art prints with each step. At press time, Macindoe had reportedly opened her phone and begun scanning with extreme precision.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.