How Dating Sites Match Their Users

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Report: 92% Of Americans Would Have Gotten Over Ex By Now

AUSTIN, TX—Explaining how they would have moved on with their lives a long time ago, a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Texas revealed that more than 90 percent of Americans would have easily gotten over their ex-partner by now.

Romantic Gesture Too Expensive To Waste On Current Girlfriend

HARRISBURG, PA—Claiming that the price of the incredible idea far exceeded his emotional investment in his relationship, local man Alex Ramsey said Wednesday that an extravagant romantic gesture he has in mind is too expensive to waste on his current girlfriend.

Breakup Survival Tips

Everyone goes through breakups, but learning how to deal with your feelings and find closure can help you get over your split in a healthy, productive way. Here are some tips for surviving your breakup and moving on from your relationship

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Boyfriend Plans Magical Evening Down To First Detail

MANSFIELD, OH—Having proposed that they spend a night out together, the boyfriend of local woman Cassandra Stephenson is said to have planned a magical evening for the two of them down to the very first detail, sources reported Tuesday.
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How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users:

  • Step 1: 46,000,000 users specify they are looking for someone fun
  • Step 2: Entire headquarters erupts in laughter
  • Step 3: Any personal bio that claims the user enjoys going out, but sometimes likes just staying in too, is deemed irreparably inconsistent and thrown out
  • Step 4: Complex data-driven algorithm gets into the nitty-gritty of determining who’s hot enough for each other
  • Step 5: Site’s tech team reaches out to friends, family to see if they know anyone Kara might like
  • Step 6: If there is an odd number of users, one person is forced to receive the “No Available Soulmate” notification
  • Step 7: Excited but nervous site moderators anxiously brace for the unknown as Josh and Becca actually set up a time to meet for drinks
  • Step 8: Sixteen terabytes of data sold to Nestle’s Lean Cuisine marketing division
  • Step 9: Any couples matched through the service who go on to marry automatically receive a voucher for 15 percent off reactivation of their account

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