David Ortiz

David Ortiz Getting Paid $13 Million, By The Way

BOSTON—According to official MLB statistics available as of press time, struggling Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz is hitting only .200 and has tallied a paltry four home runs and 11 RBIs thus far in 2010.

Manny Ramirez To David Ortiz: 'Road Trip'

SOMEWHERE ALONG I-65—Best buddies Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, both of whom find themselves at professional crossroads and both desperately wanting to rekindle their friendship, decided on Sunday that a soul-searching road trip was the...
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Retired David Ortiz Excited To Finally Eat Whatever He Wants

BOSTON—Having officially entered retirement after 20 seasons in Major League Baseball, former Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz told reporters Thursday that he is excited to finally be able to eat whatever he wants. “Man, my whole career I had to stay down to between 250 and 260 pounds for the team, so it’ll be good to just let loose and go back up to my natural body weight,” said Ortiz, adding that with his playing days behind him, he no longer needs to worry about limiting himself to only two sausage pizzas and one 42-ounce party-size bag of “peanut butter N&M’s [sic]” for his usual afternoon snack. “I was starving having just a 20-egg omelet for breakfast every morning during the season, and even then it was really hard to fit into my uniform’s 46-inch waist. Now, I can eat as many lunches as I want without any of the coaches getting mad and yelling at me.” The 10-time MLB All-Star added that he also will not miss his mandatory 0.01-mile run every other Sunday.

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