Curious David Ortiz Wondering What Happens To Players After They Retire

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David Ortiz

David Ortiz Getting Paid $13 Million, By The Way

BOSTON—According to official MLB statistics available as of press time, struggling Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz is hitting only .200 and has tallied a paltry four home runs and 11 RBIs thus far in 2010.

Manny Ramirez To David Ortiz: 'Road Trip'

SOMEWHERE ALONG I-65—Best buddies Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, both of whom find themselves at professional crossroads and both desperately wanting to rekindle their friendship, decided on Sunday that a soul-searching road trip was the...
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Curious David Ortiz Wondering What Happens To Players After They Retire

BOSTON—Speculating there is “a big clubhouse way up at the top of the sky,” Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz reportedly expressed his curiosity Thursday over what happens to players after they retire. “Is there anything after that, or are you just gone forever?” said the 38-year-old designated hitter, adding that he sincerely hopes retirement “doesn’t hurt too bad.” “Do you get to see all your friends who retired? Man, my best friend Jason Vortex [sic] retired a few whiles ago, and I was really sad, but maybe I can see him again someday. I just hope I’ve been good enough to end up somewhere nice—I don’t want to be in the bad place for players who weren’t good.” After a period of noticeable anxiety, Ortiz then reportedly calmed down and assured himself that players generally only retire when they are “really old and can’t hit the ball anymore.”

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