DES PLAINES, IL—Assuring him that she’d be at his side in a jiffy, local nurse Wendy Kaufman reminded an elderly resident at the Briarwood Assisted Living Community that she was just down the hall if he started to die, sources reported Tuesday.
WASHINGTON—While thinking about this November’s election and remembering that only a few months remain in Barack Obama’s presidency, Americans throughout the country are said to have suddenly come to the realization Tuesday that they, in fact, never had to worry about John McCain dying over the past eight years had he become president in 2008.
SLATON, TX—Comforting grieving teammates and students left and right, Byron Meadows High School psychologist Mark Caldwell was said to be absolutely crushing it this week in the wake of a fatal varsity football injury.
WASHINGTON—Bowing their heads as they solemnly shuffled single-file past Capitol Hill, leaders from around the world reportedly poured into Washington, D.C. this week to pay their last respects to the dying nation.
BATON ROUGE, LA—In response to the spate of shootings that have erupted across the country in recent weeks, the U.S. populace told reporters Monday it was struggling to keep track of how far along it was in all the various grieving processes it was currently going through.
NICE, FRANCE—In the wake of the Bastille Day terrorist attack in Nice, France that killed 84 people and injured over 200 more, humankind told reporters Friday it was hoping it would only have to put up with a few more millennia of this shit.
NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.
WASHINGTON—Unsure of what to do after the Senate rejected several gun control measures Monday in the wake of the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history, frustrated Americans reported Tuesday they were completely out of ideas to solve the nation’s gun violence problem except for all the obvious ones.
WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.
WASHINGTON—Staring down in shock at her empty hands where the piece of legislation had been only seconds earlier, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was reportedly left horrified Monday after her gun control bill disintegrated immediately upon crossing into the Senate chamber.
HARTFORD, CT—Having made the difficult but compassionate decision to remove their ailing grandfather from life support Friday, members of the Jarrett family were reportedly unaware that in doing so, they were sending the 86-year-old directly to hell.
WASHINGTON—Appearing visibly drained as they pushed well beyond their previous best for rational discourse on the issue, the exhausted American public told reporters Thursday they were uncertain whether they had the stamina to continue a national dialogue on gun control for a fifth consecutive day.
WASHINGTON—Unsure how else to take action after this weekend’s mass shooting in Orlando, FL that left scores dead, a frustrated President Obama spent Monday morning writing a letter to his congressman about the need for tighter gun control laws, sources confirmed.
WASHINGTON—Admitting he felt “scared and nervous” after the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history at an Orlando, FL nightclub, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre reportedly rushed out of his home early Monday to buy a congressman.
BALTIMORE—Providing a shrewd and ingenious take on the late boxer’s life, visionary Baltimore Sun columnist Jason Lowe reportedly asserted Monday that Muhammad Ali’s greatest fight did not, in fact, take place in the ring.
WASHINGTON—Speaking out on the legacy of one of the 20th century’s most towering figures in both sports and the civil rights movement following his recent passing, dozens of social issues reported Monday that they were extremely thankful they never had to go toe-to-toe with Muhammad Ali.
PORTLAND, ME—Saying he felt completely drained after a long and stressful day at work, local widower Harold Stein reported Thursday that he just doesn’t have the energy to waltz with his dead wife’s dress tonight.
HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail.
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Cuban Army Honors Fidel Castro With 21-Gun Firing Squad