‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.
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Family Comforted By Thought That Man’s Death Will Prevent Others From Climbing War Memorial To Pretend To Fuck Horse

WASHINGTON—Finding a small measure of solace in their tragic situation, the family of tourist Glenn Roberts told reporters Wednesday they were comforted by the thought that the 29-year-old’s death would one day help prevent others from climbing a war memorial to pretend to fuck the horse. “I miss my boy every single day, but I know that, because of him, other people will think twice before clambering up a tall equestrian monument, mounting it from behind, and repeatedly humping it,” said Karen Roberts, adding that her son’s antics at Arlington Memorial Bridge’s The Arts Of War statue will not have been in vain if they stop even one person from pumping their elbows back and forth and grunting while pretending to penetrate a colossal bronze animal nearly 20 feet off the ground. “Even though he was taken from us far too soon, hopefully other people who know Glenn’s story will just admire the statue from ground level and not act on any desire they might have to pretend they’re sexually violating it.” At press time, the family was reportedly heartened by reports that some tourists had changed their mind about climbing the monument and instead just took perspective photos in which they appeared to be tongue-kissing the horse.

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