BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking time to make such trips to local medical centers, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly visited Massachusetts General Hospital Thursday to watch terminally ill fan Brian Keller die.
TOLEDO, OH—Displaying a level of strength and mobility that he will never again possess as he paced back and forth across his living room Tuesday, terminally ill man Thomas Halverson reportedly spent the last good day of his life on the phone with his insurance company.
WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.
Losing a loved one can send mourners into a haze of emotion, and funeral planning can seem like a daunting task amidst one’s grief. Here is The Onion’s step-by-step guide to making funerary preparations
AL MUZAHIMIYAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Complaining that he must have “tweaked it pretty good,” Saudi executioner Khalid al-Faraj told reporters Thursday that he thinks he pulled something in his shoulder during yesterday’s last 10 decapitations.
THE HEAVENS—Saying He was fed up with providing His divine assistance in such cases, the Lord Our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, proclaimed Thursday He would no longer bestow transcendent near-death experiences upon people who crash their snowmobiles.
GENEVA—Explaining that fatalities attributable to such afflictions had become prevalent among a wide variety of populations across the globe, the World Health Organization announced Wednesday that the group had added gunfire and explosions to its official list of natural causes of death.
DENVER—Standing solemnly next to the patch of ground where the veteran quarterback’s body lay, members of the Denver Broncos organization quietly buried Peyton Manning in an unmarked grave next to Sports Authority Field at Mile High, sources confirmed Thursday.
THE HEAVENS—Saying He was fed up with providing His divine assistance in such cases, the Lord Our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, proclaimed Monday He would no longer bestow transcendent near-death experiences upon people who crash their snowmobiles.
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.
CHILLICOTHE, OH—Noting that the effects of the untested chemical combination remain unknown, Chillicothe Correctional Institution guard Matt Bozarth told reporters Monday he is giving an inmate on death row every chance to end his life before the facility tries out new execution drugs on him.
BERKELEY, CA—Confirming that it is now by far the most common use for the material, a report published this week by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley revealed that 55 percent of the nation’s granite is now engraved with the names of victims.
STARKE, FL—Shortly after the official scheduling of his execution date, convicted murderer Thomas McGuire admitted to reporters Wednesday that he is curious to see how the state is going to pull off his lethal injection.
GLENDALE, CA—Saying the dishes were the perfect way to express compassion to those going through one of the darkest times of their life, representatives from Stouffer’s unveiled Wednesday their new line of Frozen Bereavement Meals for bringing over to neighbors who have just lost a loved one.
THE SECOND CIRCLE, HELL—Affirming the need to reverse the trend after several millennia of discouraging numbers, officials from the Underworld Health Organization unveiled a new initiative Thursday to improve Hades’ incubus immortality rate.
ST. LOUIS—Based on the sheer power of the animals and their potential for extreme aggression, wildlife experts concluded Thursday that not climbing into the gorilla enclosure at the Saint Louis Zoo very likely saved 34-year-old local man Richard Fulton’s life.
NEW YORK—Speaking for the first time since waking from a medically induced coma following a devastating car accident, 8-year-old Aiden Miller recounted an extremely vivid near-death experience Friday that reportedly contained detailed descriptions of heaven, angels, and a six-figure book deal.
HARTFORD, CT—After his health insurance provider selflessly paid dozens of claims, covered no fewer than five generic drug prescriptions, and fielded his near-daily phone calls, ungrateful policy member Samuel Clifton, 59, had the temerity to just up and die Monday without so much as a word of explanation, sources reported.
FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of Wednesday’s mass shooting that left nine dead at a church in South Carolina, sources confirmed today that National Rifle Association officials had already started up with their shit about what would be an even greater injustice.
CHESTER, OR—Saying there had to be some sort of logic to the string of grisly murders he had committed over the past seven years, local serial killer Christopher Palley admitted to reporters Friday that he had completely lost track of whatever pattern he had originally been going for.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews.