death penalty

Texas To Execute Death Row Inmates With New 3-Drug Molotov Cocktail

HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

4 Out Of 5 Texas Dentists Advocate The Death Penalty

DALLAS—According to a study released Monday by the Texas Dental Association, four out of five dentists in the Lone Star State advocate the use of capital punishment. "About 80 percent of the dentists surveyed recommend brushing three times daily, regular dental check-ups, and death by lethal injection should a prisoner be found guilty of homicide in a court of law," TDA spokeswoman Stacy Gunderson said. "Simply putting criminals in hard-to-reach places isn't enough of a deterrent. Rinsing the scum out of death row is vital for the long-term health of this state." Gunderson then called for justice, and plenty of all-natural sugar-free snacks, to be served.
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Death Row Inmate Saving Some Of Last Meal For Between Execution Attempts

MCALESTER, OK—Saying he knew he would just get hungry again later, Oklahoma State Penitentiary death row inmate Harris Boland told reporters Friday he was saving some of his last meal for between execution attempts. “I’m going to eat the lobster tails first while they’re still nice and hot, but they’ll probably be pretty filling, so I’m going to set aside most of the mashed potatoes and gravy till after the second or third attempt when I’ll probably want a little something to snack on,” said Boland, adding that he wasn’t even planning to touch the fried shrimp or garlic bread until several efforts to end his life by lethal injection had passed, figuring he would have some time to really dig into them while prison officials tried to determine why the experimental drug cocktail they gave him wasn’t working. “Once they see I’m clearly still conscious and writhing in pain and then frantically work to stabilize me, I bet that chocolate cake will taste really good. Gosh, it’s making my mouth water just thinking about it. But I’ve got to have some willpower and not touch it when my meal comes, ’cause I know it’ll be so much more satisfying if I wait.” At press time, Boland had decided to bring a bowl of olives with him into the execution chamber, saying it would be nice to have something to nibble on while technicians struggle futilely to locate a suitable vein through which to administer the chemicals.

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