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God Announces Successful Test Of First Category 7 Hurricane

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Wildman Currently Raging Across Southern California

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Several cities in Southern California were placed under a state of high alert early Tuesday after a large and markedly destructive wildman began sweeping through Santa Barbara County, sources confirmed. 

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Report: Apocalypse Actually Happened 3 Years Ago

MENLO PARK, CA—Though the event went largely unremarked upon at the time, a report published Monday by the Kaiser Family Foundation has found that the apocalypse, or end of the world, occurred three years ago.

Hazing Incident Ends In Tragic Joining Of Fraternity

ASHLAND, OH—-A night of forced binge drinking and other dangerous initiation rituals ended in horrible tragedy Tuesday when pledge member Steven Paulson, 18, was accepted into Ashland University's Delta Tau Theta fraternity.

Thousands Feared Born In Nigerian Population Explosion

LAGOS, NIGERIA—UN officials remain unsure what caused the population explosion, but point out that border disputes with neighboring Chad and Niger have cooled heroin trafficking, and mass slaughter at the hands of a traditionally military government has fallen to its lowest levels in 18 years.

Unspeakable Happens In Area Town

MURPHY, ID—Indescribable tragedy struck the quiet foothill town of Murphy Monday, leaving authorities and citizens dumbstruck by the nameless horror that descended on their community.

China Stockpiling Massive Fireworks Arsenal

WASHINGTON, DC—Satellite photographs have revealed the recent test-detonation of several hundred extremely small explosive devices in the remote Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region of Southwestern China, sources from the U.S. Department of Defense reported Monday.

Monster At End Of Book Claims Life Of TV's Grover

SESAME STREET—Tragedy struck this peaceful, educational New York neighborhood Saturday when a horrible, scary monster dismembered and devoured television star Grover, despite the Muppet's continuous urging to beginning reader Brian Wilcox, 6, "not to turn the page." "Apparently, this warped, sadistic child was intent on seeing Grover attacked and killed," said Police Sgt. William Rudin at the crime scene. "Nothing else could explain his repeated insistence on ignoring lovable, furry old Grover's frantic and explicit warnings on virtually every page." Witnesses say that as Grover was viciously savaged and eaten by the monster on the last page, he used his final words to denounce Wilcox for his cruelty. The NYPD has ruled out the possibility that Wilcox was aided by an accomplice, telling reporters, "Brian read this book all by himself."

Millions and Millions Dead

As the body count continues to rise, a shaken nation is struggling to cope in the wake of the mass deaths sweeping the world population. With no concrete figures available at this early stage, experts estimate at least 250,000 U.S. citizens have died in the last month alone, with death tolls across the globe reaching into the millions.

Area Man May Never Find Out If Condom In Wallet Is Still Good

OMAHA, NE—Donald Muller, a 33-year-old Omaha near-virgin, may never find out if the Ramses Extra Sensitive condom in his wallet is still good, it was reported Monday. "I really hope it hasn't deteriorated in the past three years," Muller said of the birth-control device, which was first inserted into his wallet in March 1996, prior to a St. Patrick's Day party that "didn't pan out." "I don't really have any particularly strong leads right now, but it'd be nice to know I was prepared just in case anything came up." Muller, who bought the condom in 1993 as part of a box of 12, said he hopes to strike up a conversation Sunday with a woman who uses the same laundromat as him.

Another Bunch Of Southerners Dead

THE SOUTH—Yet another deadly tornado, hurricane, flash flood or some other weather disaster ripped through the Southeast Monday, leaving yet another bunch of Southerners dead in its wake. The disaster—which overturned yet another 2,700 mobile homes, submerged yet another 1,500 cars, and left yet another 55,000 people without electricity and water—is said to be the worst in Texas, Florida, Tennessee or some other place down South since last Friday.

Family Dog Suspected Cause Of Miniature Chuck-Wagon Disaster

SAN JOSE, CA—Though Federal Microvehicular Safety Administration officials stress that it is still too early to draw definitive conclusions, a family dog is widely regarded as the probable cause of the miniature chuck-wagon disaster that shocked the nation last Wednesday.

Congress Passes Natural Disaster Digital-Enhancement Funding

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress approved legislation Monday allocating more than $30 billion for digital enhancement of natural disasters. "It's bad enough losing loved ones to a volcano," Sen. Mike Dewine (R-OH) said, "without also being underwhelmed by bland, unimpressive disaster footage." Under the new law, all future tornados, mudslides, earthquakes, and other natural disasters must be rendered in the highest-resolution, most state-of-the art manner possible. The legislation comes just in time to satisfy critics of the recent floods in Texas, panned by many as "fake-looking" and "a B-grade disaster, at best." Congress is also debating whether to fund an $180 million remastering of 1979's Hurricane David in time for a 20th-anniversary re-release.
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God Announces Successful Test Of First Category 7 Hurricane

THE HEAVENS—Calling the powerful tropical cyclone one of His greatest meteorological feats to date, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, announced Thursday the first successful test of a Category 7 hurricane. “I’d been tinkering with the idea of a Category 7 for a while and the trial run went off without a hitch, so I’m quite pleased with the results,” said Our Lord and Heavenly Father, describing how the unprecedented 2,000-mile-wide storm gathered strength for 15 days over the warm waters of the Pacific before making landfall on the Marshall Islands test site, battering the small country with 300-mile-per-hour winds and storm surges that raised the water level by 80 feet. “Given how well the test case performed, I’m definitely going to start using these a lot more often. Hopefully, if there aren’t any major setbacks, I’ll roll out several Category 7 hurricanes in the Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico by the end of the month.” At press time, God abandoned plans for an experimental earthquake that registers 12 on the Richter scale after the prototype cracked Venus in half.

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