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Disasters

Wildman Currently Raging Across Southern California

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Several cities in Southern California were placed under a state of high alert early Tuesday after a large and markedly destructive wildman began sweeping through Santa Barbara County, sources confirmed. 

Armageddon Preparedness Tips

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Report: Apocalypse Actually Happened 3 Years Ago

MENLO PARK, CA—Though the event went largely unremarked upon at the time, a report published Monday by the Kaiser Family Foundation has found that the apocalypse, or end of the world, occurred three years ago.

Hazing Incident Ends In Tragic Joining Of Fraternity

ASHLAND, OH—-A night of forced binge drinking and other dangerous initiation rituals ended in horrible tragedy Tuesday when pledge member Steven Paulson, 18, was accepted into Ashland University's Delta Tau Theta fraternity.

Thousands Feared Born In Nigerian Population Explosion

LAGOS, NIGERIA—UN officials remain unsure what caused the population explosion, but point out that border disputes with neighboring Chad and Niger have cooled heroin trafficking, and mass slaughter at the hands of a traditionally military government has fallen to its lowest levels in 18 years.

Unspeakable Happens In Area Town

MURPHY, ID—Indescribable tragedy struck the quiet foothill town of Murphy Monday, leaving authorities and citizens dumbstruck by the nameless horror that descended on their community.

China Stockpiling Massive Fireworks Arsenal

WASHINGTON, DC—Satellite photographs have revealed the recent test-detonation of several hundred extremely small explosive devices in the remote Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region of Southwestern China, sources from the U.S. Department of Defense reported Monday.

Monster At End Of Book Claims Life Of TV's Grover

SESAME STREET—Tragedy struck this peaceful, educational New York neighborhood Saturday when a horrible, scary monster dismembered and devoured television star Grover, despite the Muppet's continuous urging to beginning reader Brian Wilcox, 6, "not to turn the page." "Apparently, this warped, sadistic child was intent on seeing Grover attacked and killed," said Police Sgt. William Rudin at the crime scene. "Nothing else could explain his repeated insistence on ignoring lovable, furry old Grover's frantic and explicit warnings on virtually every page." Witnesses say that as Grover was viciously savaged and eaten by the monster on the last page, he used his final words to denounce Wilcox for his cruelty. The NYPD has ruled out the possibility that Wilcox was aided by an accomplice, telling reporters, "Brian read this book all by himself."

Millions and Millions Dead

As the body count continues to rise, a shaken nation is struggling to cope in the wake of the mass deaths sweeping the world population. With no concrete figures available at this early stage, experts estimate at least 250,000 U.S. citizens have died in the last month alone, with death tolls across the globe reaching into the millions.

Area Man May Never Find Out If Condom In Wallet Is Still Good

OMAHA, NE—Donald Muller, a 33-year-old Omaha near-virgin, may never find out if the Ramses Extra Sensitive condom in his wallet is still good, it was reported Monday. "I really hope it hasn't deteriorated in the past three years," Muller said of the birth-control device, which was first inserted into his wallet in March 1996, prior to a St. Patrick's Day party that "didn't pan out." "I don't really have any particularly strong leads right now, but it'd be nice to know I was prepared just in case anything came up." Muller, who bought the condom in 1993 as part of a box of 12, said he hopes to strike up a conversation Sunday with a woman who uses the same laundromat as him.

Another Bunch Of Southerners Dead

THE SOUTH—Yet another deadly tornado, hurricane, flash flood or some other weather disaster ripped through the Southeast Monday, leaving yet another bunch of Southerners dead in its wake. The disaster—which overturned yet another 2,700 mobile homes, submerged yet another 1,500 cars, and left yet another 55,000 people without electricity and water—is said to be the worst in Texas, Florida, Tennessee or some other place down South since last Friday.

Family Dog Suspected Cause Of Miniature Chuck-Wagon Disaster

SAN JOSE, CA—Though Federal Microvehicular Safety Administration officials stress that it is still too early to draw definitive conclusions, a family dog is widely regarded as the probable cause of the miniature chuck-wagon disaster that shocked the nation last Wednesday.
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Poll: 78% Of Americans Hope Cataclysmic Event Wiping Out Humanity Will Have Big Tidal Wave

WASHINGTON—Saying respondents were adamant that any such phenomenon be extremely tall and move with incredible speed, a Pew Research Center poll released Monday found that 78 percent of Americans hope that whatever event ultimately wipes out humanity will feature a gigantic tidal wave. “According to our data, more than three quarters of U.S. citizens want the apocalyptic disaster that brings about the end of our species to come in the form of a colossal wave rushing rapidly toward the shore that runs the length of the horizon and is of such a tremendous height that it blots out the sun,” said lead researcher Hector Collins, who noted that survey participants expressed no preference between a magnitude-20 undersea earthquake or an enormous asteroid slamming into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, as long as the underlying cause of humanity’s extinction generated a massive tsunami that swept across the entire world. “Of those in favor of a catastrophic tidal bore hitting the Eastern Seaboard before flowing across the whole North American continent, over 70 percent said that the immense wave should submerge the Empire State Building up to the needle, while about 85 percent expressed the urge to see full-size ocean liners tossed around by the wave as if they were toys. Additionally, respondents were nearly unanimous in their desire to see the entire city of Boston completely underwater on television, run outside, and yell ‘It’s coming!’ as the shadow of the gargantuan wave crept over them.” Researchers added, however, that respondents were divided over whether the cataclysmic tidal wave should leave small bands of survivors to fend for themselves in a grim post-apocalyptic landscape or simply obliterate the human race instantly.

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