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How You Can Protect Yourself Against The Zika Virus

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Measles Epidemic 2015: A Timeline Of The Outbreak

Health officials recently announced that an outbreak of measles they believe originated in Disneyland last December has now spread to multiple states, and experts have linked the epidemic to the growing anti-vaccination movement among parents.

Diphtheria Excited About Possibility Of New Outbreak

LOS ANGELES—Following a flare-up of measles in California and reports of new cases across several western states this week, the disease diphtheria told reporters Thursday that it was excited about the possibility of a new outbreak in America.

Tracking Ebola In The U.S.

With eight confirmed cases of the highly fatal Ebola virus in the U.S. and revelations that health care workers potentially exposed to it have traveled on passenger flights and cruise ships, fears that the disease will spread across the country have grown...

What You Need To Know About Ebola

Following the death of the first person diagnosed with Ebola in the United States, concerns about the deadly hemorrhagic virus are running high throughout the country.

How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola

This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak that has already claimed over 3,000 lives.

Experts: Ebola Vaccine At Least 50 White People Away

CONAKRY, GUINEA—With the death toll in West Africa continuing to rise amid a new outbreak of the Ebola virus, leading medical experts announced Wednesday that a vaccine for the deadly disease is still at least 50 white people from being developed.

Hypochondriac Convinced Patient Has Cancer

BRIDGEPORT, CT—During a regularly scheduled appointment at St. Vincent’s Medical Center this afternoon, sources confirmed that after glancing at medical data for only a few moments, local hypochondriac Stephen Parsons became obsessively convin...

Real-Life Nancy Drew Traces Source Of Her HPV

CHARLOTTE, NC—Cleverly putting together the clues to crack the case Monday, Samantha Pearson—a real-life Nancy Drew—reportedly used her sleuthing skills to deduce who had infected her with genital human papillomavirus.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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How You Can Protect Yourself Against The Zika Virus

The dangerous mosquito-borne Zika virus is on the rise in several countries. The Onion offers tips for protecting yourself from this growing threat.

  • Protect your unborn infant by regularly spraying insect repellent into the womb.
  • Remove any sources of standing water from your property, which are the number-one place for mosquitoes to gather and strategize how to spread the virus.
  • If approached by a mosquito, avoid direct eye contact, make deep, guttural noises, and wave your arms to make yourself appear as large as possible while slowly backing away.
  • Tuck your pants into your socks, but only if enough other people are doing it.
  • Check the CDC’s website for up-to-date information on which of their travel advisory warnings you’ve already violated.
  • If you do find yourself feeling ill after being bitten by a mosquito, don’t panic. You could just be feeling the effects of West Nile virus or malaria.
  • Inform any pregnant loved ones of the risks associated with Zika and suggest that they delay their delivery until the current outbreak has been contained.
  • If you believe you have contracted the Zika virus, take action by contacting CNN immediately.

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