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Donald Trump

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know

President Trump has revealed his first budget blueprint, which contains $54 billion in cuts while accommodating increased spending on defense and security. The Onion details the major elements of Trump’s proposed budget:
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Homesick Trump Stays Up All Night On Phone With Automated Mar-A-Lago Reservations Line

BRUSSELS—Sad and lonely from the diplomatic trip that has kept him thousands of miles away from his private estate for almost a week, a homesick Donald Trump stayed up all night on the phone with the automated Mar-a-Lago reservations line, sources said Wednesday. “The dining room will be open from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m., and tonight’s specials will be braised lamb with vegetables and herb-roasted salmon served on a bed of orzo, in addition to a six-star seafood buffet that will be served on the patio,” said the concierge’s voice on a pre-recorded message as the president, huddled under the blanket in his hotel, wiped tears away with his pajama sleeve and reminded himself that he only had three more days to go. “If you would like to access our premium spa or salon services, press 1; if you would like to schedule a tennis or golf lesson with one of our certified professionals, press 2; if you would like to book one of our spaces for a wedding or event, press 3. Please press 9 to hear the options again.” After cycling through the selections numerous times, Trump reportedly dozed off with the phone on his pillow and an untroubled smile on his sleeping face.

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