Stupid 16-Year-Old Completely Wasting Adderall Prescription On Mental Health

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Report Finds Drug Tunnels Most Intact Transport Infrastructure In U.S.

ARLINGTON, VA—Touting the extensive safety precautions, routine maintenance, and limited congestion, a report published Friday by the American Transportation Research Institute revealed that drug tunnels are now the most intact and reliable form of transport infrastructure in the United States.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Spaced-Out Flower Child Groovin’ On A Doobie Wave

BRATTLEBORO, VT—In an effort to experience a happening freak-out in an outta sight way, a far-out chick is, sources confirmed, currently groovin’ on a doobie wave, feeling the vibes, and tripping out on a psychedelic reefer wave.
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Stupid 16-Year-Old Completely Wasting Adderall Prescription On Mental Health

ACTON, MA—Ingesting a single 15 mg pill of the medication at the start of every school day, local 16-year-old moron Josh Wagner is completely wasting his Adderall prescription on his mental health, flabbergasted sources reported Wednesday. “Instead of moving 30 tablets a week at 10 bucks a pop, this dum-dum is taking a quick-release Addy before homeroom just to help him concentrate in math class—what a fucking moron,” classmate Dave Hoster said of the unbelievable idiot currently flushing $300 down the drain to treat a variety of ADD symptoms. “He could pull in $1,500 a semester easy, and that’s not even including what he’d get during the SATs. This guy’s easily the biggest dumbass on campus.” At press time, sources reported that Wagner had hit the jackpot when his doctor wrote him a prescription for coveted 20 mg tablets but would probably blow the whole thing on getting through the day without fidgeting uncontrollably.

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