A Timeline Of Marijuana Legalization

With Pennsylvania becoming the 24th state to legalize medical marijuana, many lawmakers are weighing whether to decriminalize the drug. Here is a timeline of marijuana’s journey from restricted substance to everyday commodity.

How To Get A Medical Marijuana Card

With 23 states now allowing the use of medical marijuana, many citizens are wondering how to obtain the substance safely and legally. Here is a step-by-step look at how to get and use a medical marijuana card

Report Finds Drug Tunnels Most Intact Transport Infrastructure In U.S.

ARLINGTON, VA—Touting the extensive safety precautions, routine maintenance, and limited congestion, a report published Friday by the American Transportation Research Institute revealed that drug tunnels are now the most intact and reliable form of transport infrastructure in the United States.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Spaced-Out Flower Child Groovin’ On A Doobie Wave

BRATTLEBORO, VT—In an effort to experience a happening freak-out in an outta sight way, a far-out chick is, sources confirmed, currently groovin’ on a doobie wave, feeling the vibes, and tripping out on a psychedelic reefer wave.
End Of Section
  • More News

Police Finally Make Breakthrough In Decades-Old Marijuana Possession Cold Case

AMARILLO, TX—Stating that the pivotal new evidence has helped them get significantly closer to zeroing in on a suspect, the Amarillo Police Department announced Wednesday that they have finally made a breakthrough in a decades-old marijuana possession cold case. “Despite multiple interrogations and stakeouts, the trail went cold shortly after we discovered that dime bag by the 7-Eleven on that fateful day in 1976—that is, until one of our detectives, acting on a hunch, ran some tests on a soda can pipe and Donald Duck lighter confiscated by a nearby high school around the same time,” said police spokesperson Hank Rampart, adding that they couldn’t believe such a huge clue was just sitting there right before their eyes for more than 40 years. “We’ve now fully reopened the case and have put all of our top agents on it. Given this crucial development, it should only be a matter of time until we bring the perpetrator to justice.” Rampart went on to say that whoever this sick person was, they could count on being put away for a long, long time.

More Videos


More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.