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A Timeline Of Marijuana Legalization

With Pennsylvania becoming the 24th state to legalize medical marijuana, many lawmakers are weighing whether to decriminalize the drug. Here is a timeline of marijuana’s journey from restricted substance to everyday commodity.

How To Get A Medical Marijuana Card

With 23 states now allowing the use of medical marijuana, many citizens are wondering how to obtain the substance safely and legally. Here is a step-by-step look at how to get and use a medical marijuana card

Report Finds Drug Tunnels Most Intact Transport Infrastructure In U.S.

ARLINGTON, VA—Touting the extensive safety precautions, routine maintenance, and limited congestion, a report published Friday by the American Transportation Research Institute revealed that drug tunnels are now the most intact and reliable form of transport infrastructure in the United States.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Spaced-Out Flower Child Groovin’ On A Doobie Wave

BRATTLEBORO, VT—In an effort to experience a happening freak-out in an outta sight way, a far-out chick is, sources confirmed, currently groovin’ on a doobie wave, feeling the vibes, and tripping out on a psychedelic reefer wave.
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Onion Politics

More Political Coverage

5 States To Decide Whether To Legalize Marijuana Or Continue Honoring God

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of their respective ballot measures before casting their votes, citizens in five states are set to decide tomorrow whether to legalize recreational marijuana or continue honoring God, sources confirmed Monday. “Constituents in California, Maine, Massachusetts, Arizona, and Nevada will have the choice tomorrow between advancing their pursuit of a godly life by adhering to Christ’s teachings and experiencing the glory of the Heavenly Father’s word, or allowing themselves and their neighbors to lawfully smoke marijuana,” said political analyst Kevin Phillips, who explained that while the advantages of passing these measures, such as bolstering the local economy and reducing prison overcrowding, could be substantial, they must be closely compared to the benefits of living in the light of the Divine Creator’s everlasting love. “After years of grassroots movements, voters will finally make this momentous choice for themselves: They can either permit adults over the age of 21 to use cannabis without legal consequence, or they can continue living in accordance with He who has made us in His own image and receiving God’s grace forever and ever.” At press time, the latest polls showed that the legalization of recreational marijuana and acceptance of an eternity of hellfire for forsaking the Almighty could potentially pass in all five states.

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