Details Of Trump’s Economic Plan

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Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses

SHANGHAI—Proving to be just as flimsy and precarious as many observers had previously warned, the Chinese-made Shanghai Composite index completely collapsed Monday, sources confirmed.

Report: America Still World Leader In Manufacturing Excuses

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Revealing that Americans still excel in assembling all types of justifications, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University confirmed that the United States remains the world’s unrivaled leader in manufactur...

Resigned Labor Department To Give Every Unemployed American Self-Serve Yogurt Shop

‘Look, This Is All We’ve Got,’ Labor Secretary Tells Nation’s Jobless

WASHINGTON—Admitting their agency has exhausted every other viable option for putting jobless Americans back to work, resigned officials from the U.S. Department of Labor announced plans Thursday to try giving every unemployed citizen a self-serve frozen yogurt shop to own and operate.
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Details Of Trump’s Economic Plan

Donald Trump unveiled his administration’s economic policy plan Monday at the Detroit Economic Club. Here are Trump’s main economic proposals:

  • Prevent American companies from outsourcing jobs to women or minorities

  • Lower the corporate tax rate for CEOs too stupid to find a loophole

  • Do whatever you’re supposed to do with interest rates

  • Larger numbers for everyone

  • Round up and deport nation’s manufacturing robots

  • Raise taxes on the ultra-foreign

  • Spur innovation by speeding up demise of habitable climate

  • Cap top income tax rate at 25 percent or 33 percent or 14 percent or something in that general vicinity, but it’s hard to tell where the chips will fall

  • America’s financial woes to be eased significantly by cash gifts from America’s father

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