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Economy

Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses

SHANGHAI—Proving to be just as flimsy and precarious as many observers had previously warned, the Chinese-made Shanghai Composite index completely collapsed Monday, sources confirmed.

Report: America Still World Leader In Manufacturing Excuses

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Revealing that Americans still excel in assembling all types of justifications, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University confirmed that the United States remains the world’s unrivaled leader in manufactur...
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Viewing Ads On Website Sole Way In Which Man Contributing To Economy

SEATTLE—In no way enhancing the nation’s wealth through any other means, local man Ryan Compton’s sole contribution to the economy is viewing advertisements found on websites, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Occasionally glancing at ads while scrolling through articles is the one and only useful purpose he serves in the American economic system,” said Cornell University economist Mark Rutherford, who tracked Compton’s impact on the economy without finding a single positive effect beyond the revenue he passively generates for a variety of news, social media, video streaming, and ecommerce websites. “The data clearly indicates that all he offers to the nation’s economy comes from the 34 ad impressions he makes on average each day. Even if you factor in the 15 seconds of pre-roll he watches before clicking the ‘skip’ button on online videos, it still amounts to virtually nothing.” Experts noted, however, that Compton’s contribution to the economy could gradually increase as more and more of his personal information is sold to third-party marketers.

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Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses

SHANGHAI—Proving to be just as flimsy and precarious as many observers had previously warned, the Chinese-made Shanghai Composite index completely collapsed Monday, sources confirmed.

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