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Election 2016

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.

Man Wearing ‘Jewmerica’ T-Shirt Never Dreamed He’d See This Day

SAND SPRINGS, OK—Feeling a mixture of intense pride and abject disbelief after news networks called the 2016 presidential election in favor of Donald Trump, local man Terry Williams, who is currently wearing a T-shirt adorned with the word “Jewmerica,” told reporters late Tuesday night that he never dreamed he’d see this day during his lifetime.

Report: Things Finally As Bad As Trump Claims

WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s stunning victory in the general election early Wednesday morning, political experts confirmed that conditions in the United States are now finally as bad as the Republican nominee has long claimed.

Nation Throws Off Tyrannical Yoke Of Moderate Respect For Women

WASHINGTON—Political experts are hailing Donald Trump’s historic presidential victory early Wednesday as a resounding declaration that the nation is finally ready to cast off the tyrannical yoke of moderate respect for women that has suffocated the citizens of this country for generations.

Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President

WASHINGTON—Shattering a barrier long thought unbreakable in the United States, Donald Trump, the 70-year-old billionaire real estate mogul from New York, became the first black-hearted man in history to win the American presidency, in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

Nation’s Optimists Need To Shut The Fuck Up Right Now

WASHINGTON—Saying their rosy attitude about the state of the election was not helping anything given what is currently transpiring, sources confirmed Tuesday night that the nation’s optimists need to seriously shut the fuck up as soon as humanly fucking possible.

Voter Dreading Being Sent Over To Visibly Stupid Poll Worker

INDIANAPOLIS—His stomach reportedly sinking immediately after he entered the line at his polling place and caught sight of the complete oaf sitting behind the volunteer table, local voter Steven Wu confirmed Tuesday that he was dreading being sent over to a visibly stupid election worker to receive his ballot.
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