Everyone At Consumer Electronics Show Forced To Share Single Surge Protector

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Amish Teen Spends Entire Rumspringa At Apple Store

PITTSBURGH—Since discovering the electronics retailer by chance at the beginning of his ritual period of experimentation outside the strict regimen of the Amish life, 16-year-old Isaac Stoltzfus has spent every day of his rumspringa at a local Apple...

New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable

SEATTLE—"The new device is an improvement over the old device, making it more attractive for purchase by all Americans," said Thomas Wakefield, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. "The old device is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old device."

Emerging Technologies

2009 saw a number of eye-popping new gadgets and devices available on the consumer market. Here are some of the ones that really...

Hussein Family Can't Bear To Throw Out Uday's Favorite Nutsack Shocker

AWJA, IRAQ—Relatives, sorting through boxes at Uday Hussein's home Tuesday, couldn't bear to discard one of the deceased tyrant's favorite torture devices. "Oh, how Uday loved his electric nutsack shocker," said Uday's uncle Karim Suleiman al-Majid, as he sifted through a box of clamps, cables, saws, and 8-volt batteries. "And here's that trusty little knife he would use to dig eyeballs out of their sockets." Al-Majid said he is sure that Uday would have wanted his favorite cousin Nawaf to have the roll of flensing wire.

I Wish I Were Happy Like The People In The Electronics-Store Flyer

I suppose I've never really had what you'd call a "zest for living." I've always just sort of slogged through life. Everything seems so insurmountable and complicated, and at the end of even a routine day, I feel drained. Yet I realize that there are some people for whom life is relatively carefree and gratifying. That's why I envy the people I see in the electronics-store flyer in the Sunday newspaper.

Dad Finally Found In Front Of TVs At Sears

MENTOR, OH–A 24-minute, 10-store dadhunt came to an end Monday, when area father Warren Osmund was found in front of the wall of TV sets in the electronics department of Sears at Great Lakes Mall. "We looked everywhere," said relieved wife Harriet Osmund, who became alarmed when Warren failed to rendezvous with her and daughters Kelly and Erika at 3 p.m. at the lower-level JCPenney entrance. "I checked Ritz Camera and Gander Mountain, Kelly checked Babbage's and Champs Sports, and Erika checked the food court, but he wasn't anywhere. I'm just glad we found him safe and sound." Warren said he was never in any physical danger, explaining that he was "just killing time watching the Indians game while the gals looked for shoes."

Pocket Electronic-Bible-Verse Database Coveted

FLATWOODS, KY—A local prayer meeting ended in covetousness Saturday, when Marvin Teely, 35, enviously eyed fellow parishioner Janice Hough's Franklin Electronic-Bible-Verse Finder. "Why should Janice have the power to search the entire King James Bible for any word or phrase at the convenient touch of a button?" Teely asked. "She's never done a hard day's work in her life. By right, that database should be mine." The incident marks the third commandment broken by Teely at a prayer meeting in the past year.

New Sony In-Utero TV To Entertain Children In The Womb

LOS ANGELES—The entertainment industry is abuzz following the Sony Corporation's unveiling Monday of the Utertron 9000, a state-of-the-art in-utero womb-entertainment system for children between the ages of minus nine months and zero.

Area Man Unable To Believe The Savings

TEMPE, AZ—Tempe-area bus driver Ray O’Neill was rendered incredulous Sunday by a visit to his local Sav-A-Lot electronics and home-appliance outlet. “I can’t believe the savings,” O'Neill said. "A Panasonic five-disc-carousel CD player with remote for $77.92? A GE-Hotpoint 18.2-cubic-foot refrigerator for $439.92 plus free delivery? I’m sorry. That’s simply beyond the realm of comprehensible values." O’Neill said that, while he has believed in implausible phenomena in the past, from tarot cards to the psychic claims of Uri Geller, none were as difficult to believe as Sav-A-Lot's prices. "Geller never asked me to believe in the existence of a Panasonic VHS-C camcorder with color viewfinder and image stabilization for just $499.99," he said.

I Enjoy Being a Battery

Enjoy being battery! Enjoy providing power for! Nine volts power! Last very long! Keep providing power until die! Give power and power and more power until cannot give power anymore! Enjoy very much giving power!
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