elementary school

Teacher Surprised The 2 Weird Kids Haven’t Hit It Off Yet

DAYTON, OH—Stating that the young pair of freaks seem like they would be perfect for each other, Jerger Elementary School third-grade teacher Karen Neel told reporters Thursday she was pretty surprised the two weird kids in her class hadn’t hi...

Kindergarten Class Burning Through 6 Hamsters A Year

LIGONIER, PA—Attributing the high levels of attrition to a combination of handling errors and poor oversight, Holy Trinity School kindergarten teacher Alyssa D’Orazio told reporters today that her class is currently burning through hamsters at...
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5-Year-Old At Underfunded Kindergarten Enjoying Last Few Weeks Before Achievement Gap Kicks In

SHREVEPORT, LA—Saying the sense of equality and self-worth wouldn’t last much longer, local 5-year-old Jake Williams told reporters Tuesday that he was enjoying the final few weeks before the achievement gap between him and children at better-funded schools really kicked in. “Pretty soon, kids my age who live in wealthier districts will start testing better than me in every subject, so I might as well try to make the most of this parity while I have it,” said Williams, adding that he planned to savor the experience of being on equal footing with other 5-year-olds until the difference in resources being funneled to their respective schools began hindering his ability to learn basic language skills and math. “I really want to appreciate what little time I have left, because once I’ve internalized the idea that I’m not as smart as other kids, it’s only going to get worse. When I’ve dropped out of school nine or ten years from now, I want to at least know that I took full advantage of this time in my life.” At press time, a teacher was passing out tablet computers to a kindergarten class across town.

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