Tips For Keeping Your Energy Bills Down

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Shell Executives Accuse Oil-Covered Otter Of Playing It Up

OAK HARBOR, WA—"He's fine," said Shell president Marvin Odum. "Trust me, before all of the cameras and reporters showed up, our little buddy here was having no problem at all cleaning himself off. Now, all of a sudden, it's severe spastic convulsions this and complete kidney failure that."

Obama's New Fuel Efficiency Plan

Last week, President Obama announced a plan to lower automobile emissions by requiring new cars to average 35.5 miles per gallon. How can...

Simple Tips For A Greener House

Cutting energy consumption not only saves you money, it helps save the environment. Here are 10 simple things you can do around the house to the earth AND your wallet a greener place.

Nation Hit Hard

NEW YORK—Faced with several tough factors, the nation has once again been hit hard, sources reported Tuesday. "It is unclear whether the...
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Tips For Keeping Your Energy Bills Down

Extreme heat during the summer means many households will face months of skyrocketing energy bills. Here are some tips for saving energy and keeping your monthly bill reasonable:

  • Air-drying all of your laundry is an easy way to make sure your clothes feel uncomfortable and look like shit
  • Cool your body naturally by lowering your pulse to 10 beats per minute
  • Unplug your devices during the 30 minutes per day you are not using them
  • Stuff unused power outlets with paper towels and Kleenex to prevent electricity from escaping from the holes
  • Refer to power as “juice”
  • Explain to the maidens who fan you with giant palm fronds that hard times mean a slight reduction in wages
  • Switch off your distortion pedal to save electricity and let the warm, clean tone of your Fender Jazzmaster shine through
  • Look for tanning beds that have earned the Energy Star label
  • Gently remind family members that the special lamp they use for their seasonal affective disorder is only really intended for winter
  • Disconnect all appliances to lower your electricity use and to prevent the government from monitoring your thoughts