Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 5, 2015

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Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 5, 2015

  • Aries

    Aries

    They say your problem is inoperable, but they’re wrong: It’s just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You’ve never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news coverage you’ll get next week, everyone else sure does.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Don’t be surprised when your body goes through some changes next week. After all, that’s why you’ve been injecting yourself with synthetic horse testosterone.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars will wait patiently while you look up the album art for Ted Nugent’s Cat Scratch Fever, because they want you to know exactly what you look like to them.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It’s good to have a detailed plan in case events take an unexpected turn, but that doesn’t mean you have to go around wiping your fingerprints off everything you own.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Saturn is rising in your sign this week, bringing with it all the pain, misery, and failed business opportunities a ringed gas giant can muster.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You’re a huge fan of those cheesy one-liners uttered by antiheroes right after they kill some poor slob, so good news: Your death will not be in vain.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You had no idea People magazine had a list of the 100 Most Average Bachelors, but it’s still a disappointment when you don’t quite make the cut.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Take heart: You have your whole life ahead of you. Also, take some advice: It would be wise to think of the life ahead of you in terms of quality and not quantity.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While it’s true life is nothing more than a tale told by an idiot, take heart. After all, you’re an idiot.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Despite your upcoming experiences this week, the stars still think checking the backseat of your car before getting in every time is pretty paranoid.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Congratulations: Before he got a load of you, the county coroner really thought he’d seen it all.
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