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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of La La Land as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, Moonlight. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

  • Q: What is PricewaterhouseCoopers?

    A: A $35.9 billion professional services network that handles business consulting, tax planning and compliance, actuarial advisement, and printing out slips of paper for celebrities to read.

  • Q: Who is to blame for the mixup?

    A: All of us for putting so much pressure on the academy.

  • Q: So presenter Warren Beatty isn’t at fault?

    A: In this one situation, apparently not.

  • Q: Is this the first time such a mistake has been made?

    A: No, awarding the wrong film is a time-honored Oscars tradition.

  • Q: How is the cast of 'La La Land' handling the upset?

    A: The cast and crew are doing their best to cope with the shame and embarrassment of sweeping the Golden Globes and winning six of their record 14 Academy Awards nominations.

  • Q: What will be done to prevent similar mistakes from happening in the future?

    A: Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs confirmed that the Best Picture category will be scrapped at future ceremonies.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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