37-Year-Old Makes Absolutely Heartbreaking Last-Ditch Effort To Get Really Into New Band

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‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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37-Year-Old Makes Absolutely Heartbreaking Last-Ditch Effort To Get Really Into New Band

INDIANAPOLIS—Saying he was really starting to appreciate the group’s sound, local 37-year-old Ed Johnstone reportedly made an absolutely heartbreaking last-ditch effort this week to get into a new band. “I listened to the most popular Twenty One Pilots tracks on Spotify to get a good feel for the band, and then I checked out a few of their records—they’ve got some pretty great tunes,” said Johnstone, who pitifully forced himself to listen to the band’s 2013 album, Vessel, on repeat in an effort to familiarize himself with the group before making a completely excruciating attempt at discussing the electropop duo with several of his coworkers who are all more than a decade younger. “I haven’t checked out their newest album, Blurryface, yet, but I hope it keeps up that sort of frenetic rock vibe from the previous records. I read in this article on Fader that they’re originally from Columbus, Ohio. Man, there are just a lot of good new bands coming out of there these days.” At press time, sources confirmed that Johnstone was pathetically showing enthusiasm for the song “Ride” with the saddest little attempt at air drumming.

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