WASHINGTON—Saying it was imperative that citizens take action now to help protect the natural world, the World Wildlife Fund urged Americans Thursday to just grab whatever animal they can find and try to keep it alive for as long as possible.
GENEVA—Explaining that global warming trends were close to passing a dangerous and irreversible tipping point, a report released Monday by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change stated that humanity’s sole hope for saving the planet now lies with people who save napkins from their takeout orders.
WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists
BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.
Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.
EL VALLE DE ANTÓN, PANAMA—Mournfully noting that the species hadn’t even had a chance to reach its full evolutionary potential before it was taken away from them, the local moist broadleaf forest ecosystem was reportedly left sobered this week at the thought of how young the Rabbs’ fringe-limbed treefrog was when it went extinct.
Though the average American generates 4.3 pounds of trash per day, few people know what happens to their garbage once they throw it out. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in the surprisingly complex process of waste disposal and management
IRVING, TX—Addressing the world’s plant and animal life directly during a press event Friday, officials from ExxonMobil vowed to bestow lenient treatment on any species that surrendered to the corporation voluntarily.
WASHINGTON—Taking action to protect the rapidly dwindling vital resource, President Barack Obama signed an executive order Wednesday that would preserve the last remaining expanse of common ground in the nation.
WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.
FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
SILVER SPRING, MD—According to alarming new findings released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the ongoing effects of climate change will soon vastly increase the number of incidences of people stepping into a puddle and getting their whole goddamn foot soaking wet.
PACIFIC OCEAN—Following the theme park’s pledge to phase out exhibits featuring the whale species and discontinue breeding them in captivity altogether, the world’s marine life told sources Thursday they were completely on edge now that SeaWorld is moving on from orcas.
IRVING, TX—Saying the multinational oil and gas conglomerate had “really dodged a bullet,” ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson told reporters Wednesday how relieved he was now that it was finally too late to do anything about climate change.
BERKELEY, CA—Warning society that it has reached a crucial tipping point from which it may never be able to recover, a brittle, yellowing report sitting in the archives of the University of California’s Bioscience & Natural Resources Library reportedly urged readers Friday that “the time to act against climate change is right now.”
BEIJING—Noting that he can no longer walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing or suffering a debilitating coughing fit, Beijing resident Wei Feng admitted to reporters Thursday that his decades of regular breathing have really started to catch up with him.
WASHINGTON—Noting how fussy the endangered amphibian becomes whenever it encounters irreversible damage to its ecosystem, World Wildlife Fund officials confirmed Monday that the prima donna California tiger salamander just has to have every last part of its natural habitat intact.
NEW YORK—During a press conference Wednesday announcing a series of new fundraising initiatives, officials at the National Audubon Society admitted they’ve only seen, like, three birds during the organization’s 111-year history.
GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
WASHINGTON—Triumphantly displaying the fruits of his diplomatic talks with 150 fellow world leaders at the COP21 climate change summit in Paris, President Obama returned to the U.S. this week with a couple energy-efficient light bulbs.
Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks
WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.