Tips For Going Green

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Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

How California Is Conserving Water

California governor Jerry Brown announced Wednesday that the state would impose its first-ever mandatory water reduction for residents in response to a four-year drought that has plagued large areas of the state.

Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars. The newly form...

Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the numerous ecological benefits of blocking the proposed legislation, experts confirmed Wednesday that President Obama’s decision to veto the Keystone XL pipeline bill should buy the environment an additional three or f...
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...


Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Tips For Going Green

As climate change, pollution, and population growth continue to damage the environment, it’s more important than ever for consumers to make eco-friendly decisions and practice green habits. Here are some tips for going green:

  • Burn local fossil fuels
  • Ban bathtime for all but your filthiest child
  • Don’t dispose of old batteries and electronics in the regular trash; put them in that box in the garage so you can deal with them someday
  • Carpool with another person to destroy the only precious moment of solitude you have in your day
  • When people ask if you recycle, say yes
  • Let the fresh ocean breeze dry the linens you’ve hung out in the backyard of your cape home
  • Repurposing used water bottles into a decorative door wreath is a fun, pretend way to help the environment
  • Pay a consulting firm $400,000 to give your brand an eco-friendly image
  • If you just throw everything into the recycling bin, chances are at least some of it will be salvaged
  • Remember, it’s never too late to start doing your part. It is, however, too late to save the endangered baby seals that spurred you to care about any of this.
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