adBlockCheck

environment

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

Ecosystem Sobered By How Young Species Was When It Went Extinct

EL VALLE DE ANTÓN, PANAMA—Mournfully noting that the species hadn’t even had a chance to reach its full evolutionary potential before it was taken away from them, the local moist broadleaf forest ecosystem was reportedly left sobered this week at the thought of how young the Rabbs’ fringe-limbed treefrog was when it went extinct.

Where Your Trash Goes After It’s Collected

Though the average American generates 4.3 pounds of trash per day, few people know what happens to their garbage once they throw it out. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in the surprisingly complex process of waste disposal and management

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.

Alarming Report Finds Only 6% Of Earth’s Surface Indoors

LAWRENCE, KS—Drawing attention to the distressing prevalence of outside areas on the planet, researchers at the University of Kansas released an alarming report Monday revealing that a mere 6 percent of the Earth’s surface is actually indoors.

More Cities Providing Bins For Materials That Look Recyclable

WASHINGTON—Praising the initiatives for taking the guesswork out of the often confusing process of household waste disposal, a report released Thursday by the Environmental Protection Agency noted that more cities are providing bins to residents for materials that look like they’re probably recyclable.
End Of Section
  • More News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office. “The primary goal of the EPA over the next four years will be to eliminate roughly one-third of our country’s carbon-based life-forms,” said Pruitt, who added that while flora- and fauna-rich states would feel the brunt of these cuts, he believed that such a bold initiative would be able to finally move the country away from outmoded biodiversity. “The job opportunities created by eliminating one of every three living things will be significant. And with these initial parameters in place, I’m hopeful that by 2040 the U.S. will be able to operate free from the burdens placed on it by the continued existence of any carbon-based organisms.” Pruitt pledged that any noncompliant ecosystems would face harsh penalties.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close