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Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet

NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

Ecosystem Sobered By How Young Species Was When It Went Extinct

EL VALLE DE ANTÓN, PANAMA—Mournfully noting that the species hadn’t even had a chance to reach its full evolutionary potential before it was taken away from them, the local moist broadleaf forest ecosystem was reportedly left sobered this week at the thought of how young the Rabbs’ fringe-limbed treefrog was when it went extinct.

Where Your Trash Goes After It’s Collected

Though the average American generates 4.3 pounds of trash per day, few people know what happens to their garbage once they throw it out. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in the surprisingly complex process of waste disposal and management

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

  • 48,000 B.C.

    First tree hugged

  • 1970

    Following the success of Rachel Carson’s book Silent Spring and the alarm caused by the Cuyahoga River fire, the Environmental Protection Agency is formed four decades too late

  • 1971

    Congress urged to restrict the use of lethal lead-based paint in homes, further demonstrating the EPA’s dastardly plot to strangle the free market

  • 1972

    Nixon signs the Great Lakes Water Quality Agreement after swallowing a plastic bag while swimming in Lake Erie

  • 1980

    New Superfund program requires corporate polluters to pay for the cost of cleanup unless they really, really, really don’t want to

  • 1982

    Golden age of asbestos draws to a close

  • 1983

    Original administrator William D. Ruckelshaus returns for a second term as part of an ongoing effort by the EPA to reuse things instead of throwing them away

  • 1988

    Bunch of snobbish homeowners decide they’re too good to inhale a little radon

  • 1999

    After nearly three decades of clean air efforts, sun is once again visible during the daytime in all 50 states

  • 2007

    EPA embraces the internet age by launching its first blog at a cost of $1.7 billion to taxpayers

  • 2132

    Agency secures funding to address Flint water crisis

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Ecosystem Sobered By How Young Species Was When It Went Extinct

EL VALLE DE ANTÓN, PANAMA—Mournfully noting that the species hadn’t even had a chance to reach its full evolutionary potential before it was taken away from them, the local moist broadleaf forest ecosystem was reportedly left sobered this week at the thought of how young the Rabbs’ fringe-limbed treefrog was when it went extinct.

Where Your Trash Goes After It’s Collected

Though the average American generates 4.3 pounds of trash per day, few people know what happens to their garbage once they throw it out. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in the surprisingly complex process of waste disposal and management

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