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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet

NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

Ecosystem Sobered By How Young Species Was When It Went Extinct

EL VALLE DE ANTÓN, PANAMA—Mournfully noting that the species hadn’t even had a chance to reach its full evolutionary potential before it was taken away from them, the local moist broadleaf forest ecosystem was reportedly left sobered this week at the thought of how young the Rabbs’ fringe-limbed treefrog was when it went extinct.

Where Your Trash Goes After It’s Collected

Though the average American generates 4.3 pounds of trash per day, few people know what happens to their garbage once they throw it out. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in the surprisingly complex process of waste disposal and management

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
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Climate Change: Myth Vs. Fact

With President Trump set to dismantle much of his predecessor’s climate change legislation, many are wondering what the impacts of climate change will be and which sources to believe. The Onion separates fact from fiction on the issue of global warming:

  • MYTH: Humans have only a negligible overall impact on climate change

    FACT: That’s every other variety of plant and animal on earth combined that you’re thinking of

  • MYTH: Oil companies intentionally obscure climatological research in order to grow their profits

    FACT: Big Oil has never had to try all that hard to make the public ignore climate change research

  • MYTH: By the year 2099, sea levels could rise between 7-20 inches

    FACT: You’re never going to get people worried when you put it like that

  • MYTH: Rising global temperatures mean that thousands of species are going extinct

    FACT: Sure, but it’s mostly just bugs

  • MYTH: The full impact of these changes won’t be apparent until your grandchildren are grown

    FACT: You’re never going to meet anyone, let alone have kids, if you don’t start taking care of yourself

  • MYTH: The effects of climate change will negatively impact everyone on earth

    FACT: The killjoys who predicted this for decades will have the advantage of looking super smart

  • MYTH: There is nothing mankind can do to prevent climate change

    FACT: There is nothing mankind will do to prevent climate change

More from this section

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

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