adBlockCheck

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

Top Headlines

environment

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.

Alarming Report Finds Only 6% Of Earth’s Surface Indoors

LAWRENCE, KS—Drawing attention to the distressing prevalence of outside areas on the planet, researchers at the University of Kansas released an alarming report Monday revealing that a mere 6 percent of the Earth’s surface is actually indoors.

More Cities Providing Bins For Materials That Look Recyclable

WASHINGTON—Praising the initiatives for taking the guesswork out of the often confusing process of household waste disposal, a report released Thursday by the Environmental Protection Agency noted that more cities are providing bins to residents for materials that look like they’re probably recyclable.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Timeline Of Mass Extinction

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history

Highlights Of The Pope’s Climate Change Encyclical

The Vatican released Thursday a 184-page papal encyclical by Pope Francis condemning the human behaviors causing climate change and urging global action to combat environmental degradation, marking the first time the Catholic Church has aligned itself with scientists on climate issues.

New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age

TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age.

Tips For Going Green

As climate change, pollution, and population growth continue to damage the environment, it’s more important than ever for consumers to make eco-friendly decisions and practice green habits.

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

How California Is Conserving Water

California governor Jerry Brown announced Wednesday that the state would impose its first-ever mandatory water reduction for residents in response to a four-year drought that has plagued large areas of the state.

Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars. The newly form...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate. “Sanders!” the petroleum tycoon reportedly snarled, throwing his silk top hat to the floor and stomping on it in aggrievement before shaking his ruby-encrusted cane at the television set and growling that he would make the Vermont senator pay. “Impose a carbon tax on me, will you? Well, you’ll see what happens when someone tries to make a fool of F. P. Harriman. Rutherford! Come fetch me my telephone! A meeting of the Industrialist League must be called posthaste.” At press time, Sanders’ mention of raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans had caused Harriman’s eyes to go wide and his monocle to fall directly into his flute of 1907 Diamant Bleu champagne.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close