LONDONFindings released Monday by Britain's Home Office indicate that politeness among Londoners has dipped 2 percent since the July public-transit bombings. "Terrorist bombers? Well, I saygood day to thema tip of my hat to them, indeed, and may they take their leave of our green and pleasant land," said Andrew Capper of Surbiton. "Far be it from me to pass judgment, as I've never met the chaps myselfand goodness knows I'm not without errorbut I should think that a few of these terrorists have behaved in a manner that can only be described as rather less than gentlemanly, if I do say so myself, may it please you, good sir." The Home Office cites post-traumatic stress in the sharp decline in manners, the worst since the 4 percent drop during the Blitz of 1940.
LISBON, PORTUGALTo the relief of surrounding countries, Portugal seems to have finally gotten its ducks in a row, sources reported Monday. "Man, I didn't think P. would ever get it together," said Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero. "But it really cleaned up its act and got its shit straight. Who would've guessed?" Cyprus said that if Portugal can do it, maybe it can, too.
Hundreds of immigrants crossing into Europe from Africa and the Middle East have risked injury and death seeking a new life for their families. Here is the step-by-step process by which they emigrate and the hardships they face on their journey:
Step 1: Families make spur-of-the-moment decision to leave behind the opportunity, safety, creature comforts, and overall happy existence in their native land to mooch off resources of European governments
Step 2: Pack a few granola bars and a bottle of water for the long trip
Step 3: Human traffickers assure group of immigrants that boat carrying them across Mediterranean is meant to hold this many people
Step 4: Scare the shit out of some sunbathers on a Greek beach
Step 5: Arriving refugees fill out one-part questionnaire on whether they intend to destroy Europe
Step 6: Trudging
Step 7: Migrants blend in by joining a protest disparaging their ethnicity and culture
Step 8: Hightail it through Hungary as quickly as possible
Step 9: Parents traveling with young children repeatedly assure themselves kids’ long-term memory capacity hasn’t kicked in yet
Step 10: Angela Merkel bestows each migrant with their new German name
Step 11: Migrants who fled Islamic terrorists decide to just go ahead and become Islamic terrorists in new country