How Migrants Reach Europe

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BBC Upgrades Flap To Row

LONDON—The nightly Ten O'Clock News program on Great Britain's BBC One channel upgraded a minor flap in Parliament's House of Lords to an...

Londoners 2 Percent Less Polite About Terrorism Following Bombings

LONDON—Findings released Monday by Britain's Home Office indicate that politeness among Londoners has dipped 2 percent since the July public-transit bombings. "Terrorist bombers? Well, I say—good day to them—a tip of my hat to them, indeed, and may they take their leave of our green and pleasant land," said Andrew Capper of Surbiton. "Far be it from me to pass judgment, as I've never met the chaps myself—and goodness knows I'm not without error—but I should think that a few of these terrorists have behaved in a manner that can only be described as rather less than gentlemanly, if I do say so myself, may it please you, good sir." The Home Office cites post-traumatic stress in the sharp decline in manners, the worst since the 4 percent drop during the Blitz of 1940.

Anti-Terrorism Measures

In the wake of the London bombings, what are American cities doing to protect their citizens from terrorist attacks?

Portugal Finally Gets It Together

LISBON, PORTUGAL—To the relief of surrounding countries, Portugal seems to have finally gotten its ducks in a row, sources reported Monday. "Man, I didn't think P. would ever get it together," said Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero. "But it really cleaned up its act and got its shit straight. Who would've guessed?" Cyprus said that if Portugal can do it, maybe it can, too.
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How Migrants Reach Europe

Hundreds of immigrants crossing into Europe from Africa and the Middle East have risked injury and death seeking a new life for their families. Here is the step-by-step process by which they emigrate and the hardships they face on their journey:

  • Step 1: Families make spur-of-the-moment decision to leave behind the opportunity, safety, creature comforts, and overall happy existence in their native land to mooch off resources of European governments
  • Step 2: Pack a few granola bars and a bottle of water for the long trip
  • Step 3: Human traffickers assure group of immigrants that boat carrying them across Mediterranean is meant to hold this many people
  • Step 4: Scare the shit out of some sunbathers on a Greek beach
  • Step 5: Arriving refugees fill out one-part questionnaire on whether they intend to destroy Europe
  • Step 6: Trudging
  • Step 7: Migrants blend in by joining a protest disparaging their ethnicity and culture
  • Step 8: Hightail it through Hungary as quickly as possible
  • Step 9: Parents traveling with young children repeatedly assure themselves kids’ long-term memory capacity hasn’t kicked in yet
  • Step 10: Angela Merkel bestows each migrant with their new German name
  • Step 11: Migrants who fled Islamic terrorists decide to just go ahead and become Islamic terrorists in new country