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Family Chooses Different Dog Than Reincarnated Grandfather

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.
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Family Chooses Different Dog Than Reincarnated Grandfather

ORLANDO, FL—Saying they instantly fell in love with the good-natured golden retriever, members of the Judd family reportedly chose Thursday to adopt a different dog from an animal shelter than their reincarnated grandfather. “Right when we walked into the shelter, this little terrier jumped up on us and barked and started licking the kids, but we really had our hearts set on a golden named Buddy,” said father Marcus Judd, who decided against adopting the “too high-strung” Scottish terrier that bears the reborn soul of his father, Bernard Judd, who passed away two years ago. “That terrier was cute and really seemed to like us. But my youngest daughter was a little scared of him, so we went with Buddy. He’s just the perfect fit for our family.” At press time, the family had reportedly administered medicine to their new pet, quickly killing their grandmother who had been reincarnated as a roundworm.

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