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Family

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.
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Mom Sent On Fact-Finding Mission To Read What Parking Sign Down Street Says

INDIANAPOLIS—Upon discovering what appeared to be an ideal parking spot Friday, members of the Jowhari family reportedly dispatched their mother, Anita, on a fact-finding mission to investigate the details of a nearby street sign. “I can’t see from here—find out when they tow and if there’s a thing with street sweeping on certain days,” said Jowhari’s daughter Katie, 15, who remained in the idling vehicle with her father and brother while her mother jogged down the sidewalk to gather the details required to determine if it was, in fact, safe to leave their vehicle. “And what’s that little red sign below the green one? Something about deliveries? Oh, maybe you can park there but only on weekends. Do they do that?” At press time, family members were attempting to make sense of the 46-year-old’s exaggerated waving from down the block.

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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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