adBlockCheck

Family

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Family

Hallmark Debuts 1-Square-Inch Father’s Day Card With No Room For Writing Anything

KANSAS CITY, MO—Touting it as the perfect way to celebrate Dad as quickly and efficiently as possible, Hallmark debuted a 1-square-inch Father’s Day card Friday that has no room for writing anything. “This new Father’s Day card is the ideal size for tersely addressing how much your dad means to you without having to add a single sentiment of your own,” said spokesman James Swickley, adding that the card simply has “Happy Father’s Day” written in a plain font on the cover, which succinctly recognizes the occasion without any unwanted embellishment whatsoever. “The inner panel is so small that you don’t have to worry about writing out a long, heartfelt message or making a weak attempt at lighthearted humor. There’s room to sign your name, but not even enough space to write ‘Love’ above that, sparing both you and Dad the awkwardness of an affectionate sign-off.” Swickley went on to say that Hallmark was working on an even more compact version of the card that was just the cover, aimed at fathers who’d figure out who sent it to them eventually.

More from this section

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close