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Family

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.

Getting To Know The Trump Family

With Donald Trump in the White House, many wonder what the new first family will be like. The Onion introduces you to the members of Trump’s family:

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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8-Year-Old Can Already Tell Image Of Dad Puking Stuck In Memory Forever

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Having just witnessed his father retch uncontrollably from a bout of food poisoning, local 8-year-old Jacob Zimmer told reporters Tuesday that he could already tell the image of his dad puking would be ingrained in his memory forever. “From this day forward, I will never forget the sight of my dad throwing up with tears running down his face—it is stuck in my mind for good,” said the second-grader, predicting that even as an adult he would be able to recall with ease the horrible sound of his father groaning as he missed the toilet bowl and spewed some of the viscous brown-and-white mixture onto the bathroom wall. “Years from now—at my high school graduation; at my wedding; when he’s holding my newborn child—whenever I think ‘Dad,’ the image of him kneeling on the bathroom floor and dry heaving until vomiting bile will be one of the first things that flashes through my mind, if not the very first.” Sources later confirmed that the memory would eventually be supplanted at his brother’s bachelor party in 2036 when his father receives an awkward lap dance from a woman one-third his age.

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