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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Exhausted Florida Resident Returns Home After Weathering Harrowing Week With Family Out Of State

FORT MYERS, FL—Exhausted but unscathed after the ordeal, Florida resident John McVey reportedly returned home Wednesday after weathering a harrowing week with his family out of state. “It was really touch-and-go there for a while, but luckily I got through the interactions with my parents and siblings pretty much intact,” said McVey, adding that the seemingly endless anecdotes from his brother about coworkers he has never met and questions from his mother about his recent break-up had really started to take a toll. “There were nights where, quite honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through. But then, suddenly, just like that, my dad stopped asking me if I was ever going to save any money so I could retire before I was a hundred years old. I’ve never been so thankful in my life.” At press time, McVey told reporters that even though he got out in one piece, he’d definitely evacuate to a shelter next time.

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