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Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

McDonald’s Now Offering Bereavement Prices

OAK BROOK, IL—Saying that the company is proud to support its customers in their darkest hour of sorrow, McDonald’s representatives announced Tuesday that the fast food chain will begin offering lower bereavement pricing to patrons who have re...

Papa John’s Now Offering 3-Day Home Delivery

LOUISVILLE, KY—Aiming to provide their customers with the most convenient options when placing an order, Papa John’s officials announced Friday that the restaurant chain will now be offering three-day home delivery service on any purchase.
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New Domino’s App Allows Customer To Track Pizza’s Movement Through Digestive System

ANN ARBOR, MI—Giving customers the ability to keep tabs on their order through every step of the process, Domino’s Pizza announced Tuesday the release of a new app that lets users track the progress of their food as it moves through the human digestive system. “After you take that first mouthwatering bite of Domino’s pizza, just log into our app on your smartphone or tablet to get updates on how your meal is progressing from ingestion, to digestion, to absorption, to elimination from the body,” Domino’s CEO J. Patrick Doyle said of the app that can reportedly provide users with real-time alerts when a food item has reached their pharynx, esophagus, stomach, small intestine, colon, rectum, or anus. “When you order from Domino’s, you don’t have to sit around wondering when your pizza or cheesy bread is going to arrive at its ultimate destination. As soon as you swallow, there’s a timer and a status bar that provides a detailed description of exactly where your food is and what’s happening to it.” According to company officials, Domino’s guarantees its deliveries will pass through you in 30 minutes or less.

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