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Doomsday Clock Pushed To One Minute To Midnight After Arby’s Threatens Launch Of 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt

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Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

McDonald’s Now Offering Bereavement Prices

OAK BROOK, IL—Saying that the company is proud to support its customers in their darkest hour of sorrow, McDonald’s representatives announced Tuesday that the fast food chain will begin offering lower bereavement pricing to patrons who have re...

Papa John’s Now Offering 3-Day Home Delivery

LOUISVILLE, KY—Aiming to provide their customers with the most convenient options when placing an order, Papa John’s officials announced Friday that the restaurant chain will now be offering three-day home delivery service on any purchase.
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Doomsday Clock Pushed To One Minute To Midnight After Arby’s Threatens Launch Of 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt

CHICAGO—Reacting to the fast-food chain’s increasingly alarming marketing language Tuesday, the Science and Security Board of the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists set the global Doomsday Clock to 11:59 p.m. following Arby’s threats to launch a 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt. “As Arby’s’ claims of possessing an experimental new specialty sandwich have become more and more credible, we have concluded that the world is closer than it’s ever been to a cataclysmic event that could destroy the lives of millions,” said the board’s executive director, Rachel Bronson, reiterating that Arby’s had already performed tests and received positive reactions from focus groups, many of whom said it was “very likely” they would try the sandwich in the future. “Top government officials need to heed the realities of the current landscape and recognize that we are on the cusp of seeing a spicy, fire-roasted meat and cheese product that could reach all 50 states and beyond. Because once the delivery trucks begin amassing at Arby’s’ regional distribution centers, it will already be too late.” U.S. government officials have publicly expressed doubts at the validity of Arby’s’ threats, as the company’s last several launch attempts have all been too soggy to cause cravings on a mass scale.

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