McDonald’s Turns 75

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Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.
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McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history:

  • 1939: Nation’s cattle don’t know what’s about to hit them
  • 1940: Brothers Richard and Maurice McDonald open their original location in San Bernadino; first grill cook stares at paycheck in utter disbelief
  • 1948: While examining the restaurant’s monthly ledger, Maurice asks Richard just how important the purest, freshest ingredients are to the business
  • 1949: Original stockpile of ground beef runs out
  • 1952: Diners form slightest suspicion that food might be toxic for human body
  • 1963: “Ronald McDonald” narrowly beats out “Ground Beef Clown” as the official name of McDonald’s corporate mascot
  • 1971: Grimace is introduced, originally intended as way for CEO Ray Kroc to externalize his emotional distress
  • 1979: “Your Children Are Ours Now” campaign launched for unveiling of the Happy Meal
  • 1981: Eight-year-old Christopher Jenkins becomes first child to tell stepmother that taking him to McDonald’s isn’t going make him love her
  • 1990: Restaurant on Moscow’s Red Square built brick-by-brick by former president Ronald Reagan
  • 1996: Visibly distraught adult woman Debbie Howard shoves her way past dozens of customers to purchase Happy Meal containing Teenie Beanies
  • 2003: McDonald’s crosses rubicon from being an occasional treat to a grim financial necessity in the American household