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Lululemon Executives Furious After Focus Group Leaves Product Testing With Self-Esteem Intact

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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

Marathon Training Tips

Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Tim Duncan Raving About Health Benefits Of Standing Bench

SAN ANTONIO—Explaining that it significantly reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease and promotes healthier metabolism, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly spent the majority of practice Wednesday extolling the numerous benefits of switchin...

The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Personal Trainer Impressed By Man’s Improved Excuses

SAN JOSE, CA—Acknowledging that the progress made in such a short amount of time was remarkable, Club One Fitness personal trainer Logan Kaiser told reporters Tuesday he is very impressed by the improvement in both the strength and consistency of hi...

Man Stuck In Dead-End Body

SAN MATEO, CA—Saying this was not at all how he had pictured himself at age 42, local resident Jonathan Cooper confirmed Wednesday that he has nonetheless found himself, in his middle age, stuck in a dead-end body. Cooper, who reportedly spent years...

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.
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Lululemon Executives Furious After Focus Group Leaves Product Testing With Self-Esteem Intact

VANCOUVER—Conceding that they would have to go back to the drawing board and start over with a new approach, executives for the fashion brand Lululemon were reportedly furious Tuesday after a focus group left a testing session for a new line of women’s clothing with their self-esteem fully intact. “Great, six months spent working on a redesign of the ‘Drop It Low Shorts’ for nothing,” said marketing director Adam Prosser, who reportedly shook his head in disgust and walked angrily out of a meeting after watching footage of the group feedback session in which women of various ages and sizes all smiled and displayed a positive attitude, without a single one stating that the form-fitting, lightweight shorts probably weren’t meant for their body shape. “We’re going to have to throw everything out and start from scratch. This is a disaster—not even one of the subjects sighed loudly and slumped her shoulders after putting on our product and looking at herself in the mirror or at the other women in the group. How did we screw up so badly?” Sources confirmed that the team of executives decided to address the problem by recruiting several exceptionally toned and slender models for the upcoming ad campaign, cropping all product shots tight on the models’ backsides, and launching with a new “You. Perfected.” tagline.

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