adBlockCheck

Woman Had No Idea Participating In 5K Walk Could Be So Unrewarding

Top Headlines

fitness

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

Marathon Training Tips

Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Tim Duncan Raving About Health Benefits Of Standing Bench

SAN ANTONIO—Explaining that it significantly reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease and promotes healthier metabolism, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly spent the majority of practice Wednesday extolling the numerous benefits of switchin...

The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Personal Trainer Impressed By Man’s Improved Excuses

SAN JOSE, CA—Acknowledging that the progress made in such a short amount of time was remarkable, Club One Fitness personal trainer Logan Kaiser told reporters Tuesday he is very impressed by the improvement in both the strength and consistency of hi...

Man Stuck In Dead-End Body

SAN MATEO, CA—Saying this was not at all how he had pictured himself at age 42, local resident Jonathan Cooper confirmed Wednesday that he has nonetheless found himself, in his middle age, stuck in a dead-end body. Cooper, who reportedly spent years...

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Woman Had No Idea Participating In 5K Walk Could Be So Unrewarding

KENOSHA, WI—After participating in the fundraising event for a local charity this past weekend, area woman Ashley Hyland reported to friends and family Monday that she had no idea competing in a 5K walk could be so unrewarding. “This was my first time doing a race like this, so I was completely unprepared for what an insignificant life experience it turned out to be,” said Hyland, adding that she was blindsided by the underwhelming emotions and utter lack of accomplishment she felt as she crossed the finish line of the 5,000-meter race. “It didn’t really hit me until I was out there doing it when I thought to myself, ‘Wow, this is not in any way giving me a sense of purpose or changing my perspective on life.’ I was really taken aback by how little it all meant. And the thing is, it wasn’t just unrewarding for me—it was unrewarding for so many other people given that I raised just a total of $35 for diabetes research.” Hyland added that the experience of completing a few slow laps around the public park with 2,000 or 3,000 other participants was something she would neglect to remember for the rest of her life.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close