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fitness

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

Marathon Training Tips

Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Tim Duncan Raving About Health Benefits Of Standing Bench

SAN ANTONIO—Explaining that it significantly reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease and promotes healthier metabolism, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly spent the majority of practice Wednesday extolling the numerous benefits of switchin...
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Bianchi Introduces New Bike For Blocking Commuters On Subway During Rush Hour

TREVIGLIO, ITALY—High-end bicycle manufacturer Bianchi unveiled its new ultrawide “Disagio” model on Friday, a touring bike specially designed to block, box in, and jostle subway commuters at the height of rush hour. “At 7 feet long with a 52-inch handlebar span, the Disagio makes it easy to obstruct doors and snag people’s coats and bags as they awkwardly contort themselves around its massive frame,” said product manager Pietro Galloni, highlighting the bike’s slip-prone kickstand and sharpened titanium pedals that jut into the aisles an extra 4 inches on each side. “Plus, we’ve stiffened the bike’s front fork to extend its turning radius, so anytime commuters are pushing to get in or out of a jam-packed subway car, it’s nearly impossible to move out of the way. We’re proud to say that the Disagio is the only bicycle that offers Bianchi craftsmanship in tandem with the ability to effectively imprison dozens of passengers.” Galloni added that the Disagio comes standard with misaligned tires that make it take twice as long to mount to the front of a bus.

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