Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

Marathon Training Tips

Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Tim Duncan Raving About Health Benefits Of Standing Bench

SAN ANTONIO—Explaining that it significantly reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease and promotes healthier metabolism, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly spent the majority of practice Wednesday extolling the numerous benefits of switchin...

The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Personal Trainer Impressed By Man’s Improved Excuses

SAN JOSE, CA—Acknowledging that the progress made in such a short amount of time was remarkable, Club One Fitness personal trainer Logan Kaiser told reporters Tuesday he is very impressed by the improvement in both the strength and consistency of hi...

Man Stuck In Dead-End Body

SAN MATEO, CA—Saying this was not at all how he had pictured himself at age 42, local resident Jonathan Cooper confirmed Wednesday that he has nonetheless found himself, in his middle age, stuck in a dead-end body. Cooper, who reportedly spent years...
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Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts:

  • M Myth
  • F Fact
    • M

      Obesity is a state dictated by many complex factors such as genetics and environment

    • F

      Obesity is caused by choosing white bread over wheat

    • M

      It’s healthier to be thin than fat

    • F

      Multiple researchers confirm that the human body can maintain healthy function at any size, Mom

    • M

      Tolerance and celebration of a wide range of body types are the best approaches to obesity

    • F

      Snide comments and withering glances from bus passengers are the tried-and-true methods of addressing obesity

    • M

      There is no one-size-fits-all solution for managing one’s health

    • F

      Talk to your doctor about Laproxodil today

    • M

      Realistic weight loss goals are more likely to result in successful health management

    • F

      No weight loss goal is realistic


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