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Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

Marathon Training Tips

Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Tim Duncan Raving About Health Benefits Of Standing Bench

SAN ANTONIO—Explaining that it significantly reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease and promotes healthier metabolism, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly spent the majority of practice Wednesday extolling the numerous benefits of switchin...

The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Personal Trainer Impressed By Man’s Improved Excuses

SAN JOSE, CA—Acknowledging that the progress made in such a short amount of time was remarkable, Club One Fitness personal trainer Logan Kaiser told reporters Tuesday he is very impressed by the improvement in both the strength and consistency of hi...

Man Stuck In Dead-End Body

SAN MATEO, CA—Saying this was not at all how he had pictured himself at age 42, local resident Jonathan Cooper confirmed Wednesday that he has nonetheless found himself, in his middle age, stuck in a dead-end body. Cooper, who reportedly spent years...
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Report: Americans Most Physically Active When Getting Comfy

BETHESDA, MD—Saying such activities overwhelmingly accounted for calories burned in the U.S., a report released Tuesday by the National Institutes of Health found that Americans are most physically active when getting comfy. “Key indicators of physical activity such as increased heart rate and respiration reach their peak when Americans are rolling over in bed or wiggling around in order to find a more optimal sitting posture on the couch,” the report read in part, adding that researchers observed an exceptionally high flow of oxygen to muscles when participants lifted their legs onto an ottoman or enlisted their upper body to spread a comforter when they were chilly. “Using fitness trackers, we discovered that Americans take most of their daily steps when walking back and forth in their home to ensure that their desired snacks and the remote control were in reach while they’re watching TV. Furthermore, most of their cardiovascular endurance can be attributed to the regular, almost daily practice of throwing on sweatpants immediately after getting home from work.” The report also noted, however, that most serious injuries are sustained by Americans overexerting themselves while stacking a second pillow behind the first.

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Marathon Training Tips

Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:

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