adBlockCheck

Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki

Top Headlines

food

God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings

THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming an entire 20-piece order of spicy angel wings.

Area Man Disappointed In Self For Already Being Full

GREEN VALLEY, AZ—Compelled by physical discomfort to set down the remainder of his pulled pork sandwich and discontinue eating the small mound of French fries still sitting on his plate, local man Shane Plimpton was said to be deeply disappointed in himself Wednesday for already being full.

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki

CLEVELAND—Rushing into action as a horrified crowd of onlookers gathered, heroic police officer Craig Stanton reportedly talked a man down Thursday from the edge of purchasing a footlong Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwich. “Listen, you don’t have to do this—you have so much more to live for,” said the officer, who throughout the tense 45-minute standoff repeatedly urged the man to step away from the Subway cashier before making a rash decision. “It’s not too late. Put down the sandwich and walk away. Think about your family and friends. There are people out there who love you. They don’t want this for you. Don’t put yourself or them through this hell.” Authorities said they were pleased with the negotiation’s outcome, particularly in light of a tragic and grisly incident last week when they arrived moments too late to prevent a woman from ingesting an entire Subway Meatball Marinara Salad.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close