Full Summer Of Tending Backyard Garden Produces Single Edible Cherry Tomato

Top Headlines

food

Tips For Handling A Picky Eater

Having a child who refuses to eat most foods can be both frustrating and alarming for parents, but there are ways to work through this phase as a family. Here are The Onion’s tips for handling a picky eater

GMOs: Myth vs. Fact

Consumers have consistently distrusted the use of genetically modified organisms in their food, believing that they make food unsafe for consumption, although a majority of scientific evidence contradicts these views. Here are the common myths associated with GMOs and the facts that refute them

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Full Summer Of Tending Backyard Garden Produces Single Edible Cherry Tomato

CATOOSA, OK—After months of watering, mulching, staking, fertilizing, pruning, and spraying each plant, local homeowner Margie Helmholtz confirmed Wednesday that an entire summer of tending her backyard garden had yielded one edible cherry tomato. According to sources, Helmholtz paid more than $280 for soil, fencing, pesticides, and specialty gloves and hand tools, and also devoted scores of hours to the study of home gardening, purchasing two books and visiting nearly a dozen websites on the subject prior to reaping her single-tomato harvest. The 39-year-old woman is said to have spent part of each weekend on her hands and knees in the searing heat in order to transplant seedlings to her garden, keep them weeded, and ensure the plants’ thorny vines were wrapped correctly around their trellises—actions that, taken together from late May through August, produced exactly one limp tomato approximately one inch in diameter. At press time, sources reported that the cherry tomato tasted fucking awful.