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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

FDA Approves New Pasta Shape

WASHINGTON—Following months of analysis and numerous rounds of human trials, the Food and Drug Administration officially announced Thursday the approval of a new pasta shape.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Body Given False Hope With First Piece Of Fruit In 9 Days

DULUTH, MN—Excitedly believing the chunk of strawberry marked the beginning of a new, more nutritious diet, the body of area woman Jenny Cook was reportedly given a sense of false hope Friday after the 27-year-old consumed a piece of fruit for the first time in nine days.

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
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Study Finds Health Benefits Associated With Seriously Considering Going Vegetarian For A While Now

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what researchers describe as a major discovery in the field of dietetics, a study published in the American Journal Of Clinical Nutrition Tuesday linked long-term health benefits to seriously thinking about going vegetarian for a while now. “Our research found that people who actively toss around the idea of cutting meat out of their diet exhibited substantial and lasting improvements in their physical well-being,” said study lead author Dr. Olivia Marlow, adding that regularly telling others about one’s plan to transition to an exclusively plant-based diet sometime in the near future was strongly associated with dramatic reductions in heart disease, diabetes, and even cancer. “The results also demonstrated a robust correlation between improved cardiovascular health and telling acquaintances that while avoiding bacon would be hard, it wasn’t like you were eating a steak every night to begin with. In addition, the positive relationship between browsing vegetarian cookbooks and restaurants online and overall longevity seems especially promising.” The researchers went on to state, however, that the benefits of considering a vegetarian diet still paled in comparison to those enjoyed by individuals who inform friends they were now officially meat-free and haven’t had a burger in more than a week.

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