Crops Begin Emerging From Farmlands Across Nation As Monsanto CEO Slowly Raises Arms

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God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings

THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming an entire 20-piece order of spicy angel wings.

Area Man Disappointed In Self For Already Being Full

GREEN VALLEY, AZ—Compelled by physical discomfort to set down the remainder of his pulled pork sandwich and discontinue eating the small mound of French fries still sitting on his plate, local man Shane Plimpton was said to be deeply disappointed in himself Wednesday for already being full.

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.
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Crops Begin Emerging From Farmlands Across Nation As Monsanto CEO Slowly Raises Arms

WASHINGTON, MO—According to stunned sources, billions of seedlings burst through the soil of farmlands across the nation and began growing at an alarming rate Thursday as Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant stood in the center of a soybean field and slowly raised his outstretched arms upward. “It is time—rise high above the land, my sweets,” said Grant as cornstalks, sorghum plants, tomato vines, and dozens of other commercial crops sprung from the earth throughout the country, growing taller and fuller with each inch that the agribusiness executive’s upturned palms ascended into the air. “Yes, yes, that’s it, my lovely creations! Grow bigger, stronger! Nothing shall stop your growth or limit your yield! Thrive and ripen!” After commanding the nation’s crops to their full height and maturity, Grant is then reported to have slowly dragged his index finger across his neck, causing all non-GMO crops in the U.S. to wither and collapse.

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