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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.
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Bill Belichick Reminds Players They Expected To Attend Offseason Team Experiments

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Calling the procedures the first steps toward building a championship team, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly reminded players Monday that they are expected to attend all offseason team experiments. “Participation in all of our offseason pain-tolerance testing and trauma modules is required for all players, including those on tryout contracts,” read Belichick’s letter to the team informing players they are expected to arrive in peak physical condition and prepared to engage in forced aversion therapy with their respective position groups, and that rookies must arrive a day early for evaluations of their maximum crush weight. “By now you should be familiar with the key concepts of our new regenerative limb research, which will be the focus of the first day of camp before we divide up the offense and defense into their separate freezer cages. I implore you to take these experiments seriously, as they will play a critical role in determining who will survive long enough to make our 53-man roster.” According to the letter, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have agreed to join the Patriots on the final day of camp as a control group.

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