After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Insisting that it is the furthest thing from their minds at this point in their season, members of the New England Patriots told reporters Thursday that they are not allowing their upcoming game against the Houston Texans to become a distraction.
NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.
GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.
GREEN BAY, WI—Noting with urgency that play was about to resume after a brief timeout on the field, sources confirmed Sunday that CBS announcer Jim Nantz better hurry the fuck up congratulating one of the broadcast’s producers on his new baby and get back to the Packers-Texans game.
BALTIMORE—Wincing and shaking his head at the sight of trainers assisting the opposing team’s running back off the field, 34-year-old Baltimore Ravens fan Bobby Ferrara announced Sunday that “you hate to see that” while secretly feeling thrilled about the injury.
STATE COLLEGE, PA—Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no idea what to do with the unbelievably innovative defensive playbooks former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky continues to send them on a regular basis.
After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?
ANN ARBOR, MI—Saying that he had hardly noticed the time go by while receiving the series of electrically induced seizures, University of Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh was reportedly disappointed Friday upon learning that his electroshock therapy session was over so soon.
PINE BLUFF, AK—Featuring a consistent budget and students regularly encouraged to take part in its construction, a 6-foot-by-12-foot handmade banner that the Pine Bluff High School football team runs through before every game represents the closest thing the school comes to supporting the arts, sources confirmed Friday.
BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking time to make such trips to local medical centers, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly visited Massachusetts General Hospital Thursday to watch terminally ill fan Brian Keller die.
‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously
GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.
INDIANAPOLIS—Cowering in the dark at the top of the locker room steps, a tearful Andrew Luck reportedly hugged his knees to his chest Wednesday while listening to Colts head coach Chuck Pagano and general manager Ryan Grigson fighting downstairs.
MIAMI—With the star defensive tackle struggling considerably in the first two weeks of the season, Miami Dolphins coaches told reporters Wednesday that they have been working closely with Ndamukong Suh to fix his quarterback-throwing mechanics.
CHARLOTTE, NC—After suffering a concussion that sidelined him against the Jacksonville Jaguars last weekend, the Carolina Panthers announced Thursday that All-Pro linebacker Luke Kuechly has undergone a quick brain arthroscopy in order to clean up his cerebral cortex.
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.
SUFFOLK, VA—Hoping to have as little contact as possible with the large group of college-aged men until they left the restaurant, every member of the waitstaff at a local Ruby Tuesday admitted Friday that they were actively avoiding a large table conducting their fantasy football draft.
OXNARD, CA—Saying that he is counting down the days until the offseason practices are over, Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten told reporters Thursday that he can’t believe he was once again stuck sharing a hotel room with owner Jerry Jones during training camp.
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Complaining that the quarterback has kept up the annoying habit throughout training camp, several members of the New England Patriots admitted to reporters Thursday that they have grown tired of Jimmy Garoppolo beginning every huddle by stating “This is my team now.”
End Of Section
Carefully Thought-Out Living Room Decor Overshadowed By Enormous Blanket With Team Logo On It