adBlockCheck

Foreign Policy

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

Timeline Of The War On Terror

0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001 September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for...

China Announces Plans To Build International Space Prison

BEIJING—In a highly anticipated announcement that is being met with widespread enthusiasm by Chinese Communist Party officials across the country, the People’s Republic of China unveiled plans Monday to build and operate a new state-of-the-art...

U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

WASHINGTON—In what is certain to be regarded as a defining moment in the nation’s history, leading U.S. political figures gathered at the Capitol today to sign their names to the newly drafted Declaration of Dependence ...

Alien World To Help Out Syria Since This One Refuses To

IMPERIAL CITY, PLANET ZARKLOM 12—Frustrated by “the astonishing incapacity of earthlings to halt the rampant slaughter of their own kind” in Syria, the emperor of Zarklom 12 announced Wednesday he had no choice but to dispatch his own in...

U.S. Offers PlatinumPlus Preferred Citizenship

WASHINGTON, DC—In an 86-14 vote, the Senate approved legislation Monday establishing PlatinumPlus Preferred citizenship, an exciting new program offering special benefits and discounts to select members of the U.S.

Byzantine Empire Will Fall To Turks, Historian Warns

ITHACA, NY—The Byzantine Empire, the Eastern continuation of the Roman Empire, is in grave danger and will soon fall to united armies of Ottoman Turks, Cornell University history professor Wallace Schroeder warned Monday.

Clinton Adopts New 'No Fear' Foreign Policy

WASHINGTON, DC—In what observers are calling a "radically intense" move, President Clinton unveiled a new "No Fear" foreign policy approach Monday, stating that in the future, nations dealing with the U.S. should "Bring Your Spine Or Ride The Pine."

Perky 'Canada' Has Own Government, Laws

It’s Monday morning, and Toronto resident Steve Dorman shares a quick breakfast of “eggs” (a native food) with his “wife” (an officially state-sanctioned mate), and discusses yesterday’s poor showing by the hometown team in “baseball” (a popular local spo...
End Of Section
  • More News

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close