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How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party

A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.
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Friends, Family Waiting For Current Bout Of Man’s Depression To Subside Before Really Laying Into Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Fearing that in his current state he was too fragile to withstand the harsh criticism they wished to level at him, friends and family of area man Todd Freely told reporters Monday that they were waiting for Freely’s most recent bout of depression to subside before they really laid into him. “He’s way too low to hear this now, but once he’s feeling better, I’m really gonna put the screws to him about getting some regular exercise and making an effort to socialize more,” Freely’s best friend Richard Felton said, adding that he planned on “reading him the fucking riot act” about looking for work the minute Freely’s depressive state began to improve. “The moment his symptoms ease up, I’m hitting him with both barrels about getting his debt under control and a whole bunch of other shit.” Others close to Freely, however, told reporters that they couldn’t wait one more minute to let him have it over his personal hygiene.

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

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