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How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party

A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.
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Man Looks On Helplessly As Variants Of His Nickname Evolve And Multiply At Breakneck Speed

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed. According to witnesses, Talbott quickly lost control of the situation after the first major mutation from “Bri” resulted in a half-dozen new variations, including “B-Rye” and “Big B,” all of which have gone on to propagate exponentially over the past several days and create their own entirely new strands of nicknames. Sources also said that Talbott could only watch in horror as every possible permutation of his name or initials was transformed further by the addition of rhyming words and suffixes like “-dog” and “-irino,” resulting in Talbott being referred to repeatedly in meetings and in the office break room as “Bri Guy,” “Talboss,” and numerous other monikers. At press time, a new nickname, “El Tigre,” appears to have emerged with characteristics completely independent from Talbott’s original name and has itself already produced more than a dozen variations.

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