How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party

A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.
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New App Sends Dating Profile Straight To Friends, Coworkers To Laugh At Without Ever Connecting Users To Each Other

PALO ALTO, CA—Utilizing personal contact information to create a uniquely demeaning interactive experience, a new app unveiled Friday reportedly sends dating profiles straight to friends and coworkers to mock without ever connecting users to each other. “We are proud to debut Humiliatr, a one-of-a-kind dating app that allows you to fill out a comprehensive profile that is then sent directly to most of the people you know, specifically so they can ridicule it,” said the app’s lead developer, Phillip Duncan, explaining that the software seamlessly emails the user’s obviously unrepresentative photos and pathetic biographical statements to confidants and casual acquaintances alike, providing them with an opportunity for a good laugh without enabling the user to actually meet a potential romantic partner. “Everyone in your social circle, including people who have met you only a few times or know you entirely through social media, will get full access to your utterly mortifying list of musical tastes, favorite quotes, and hobbies. We also send notifications to your contacts whenever you update your profile, so they can stay informed while cackling at your pitiful attempts to increase your match potential.” Duncan later confirmed that the app will also pull information from any existing online dating profiles and send it out without the user’s knowledge or consent.

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