How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party

A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

APPLETON, WI—Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.
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New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time

NEW YORK—According to a study published Tuesday by Columbia Business School, the act of gazing out at the skyline from the balcony of an upper-floor apartment alongside your best friends is the strongest indicator that this is your city, your time. “The data shows that letting your eyes drift over the glittering lights as the magnitude of it all sinks in is the clearest sign that this—this moment right now—is yours to make it happen,” said lead researcher Mark Khalid, noting that leaning slightly over a railing while silently patting one of your buddies on the back strongly correlates with the fact that the city isn’t gonna know what hit it. “In addition, some of the most compelling evidence that the world had better brace itself, because here you fucking come, was an incredible view of all those faraway skyscrapers on a perfect spring night with plenty of beer to go around.” Khalid added that glancing up at the full moon while a jumbo jet banks gracefully over the river is, however, by far the most accurate predictor that nothing is going to stop you, nothing.

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