How To Throw The Perfect Surprise Party

A surprise party is a nice gesture for a friend or family member, but pulling one off requires careful planning and commitment. Here are The Onion’s tips for throwing a surprise party:

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

APPLETON, WI—Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.
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Man Betrays His Heart By Telling Friend He Can Have Last Dumpling

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling. “Yeah, go ahead,” said Werner, casually assenting in a manner that masked an ocean of pain and regret at having forever relinquished his claim to the fried pork-filled appetizer that, with the entirety of his being, he had so coveted. “No, it’s fine. All yours, man.” At press time, Werner had once again turned his back on his true yearnings by agreeing to split the check down the middle although he had ordered significantly less food.

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