Pete Rose Reinstatement Request Offers MLB Commissioner Lower Vig On Upcoming Emanuel Lopez-Carlos Padilla Fight

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Michael Jordan Mulling Return To Craps Table

LAS VEGAS—Having walked away following nine heart-pounding rounds, sources confirmed Tuesday night that former Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan is considering a return to the craps table at the Bellagio casino.

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ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...

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I-95, NJ—Baltimore resident Gary Drake, 53, endured a six-hour bus ride from Baltimore to Atlantic City Tuesday, drawn by the prospect of feeding coins into a slot machine at a dimly lit casino.

Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip

UNCASVILLE, CT—Satan, The Father Of Lies, suffered a dispiriting blow Saturday, when potential sinner Jeffrey Kremer chose to forgo a soul-polluting trip to the Mohegan Sun Resort Casino, The Prince Of Darkness said Monday. "I had hoped that the allure of the bright lights and the promise of instant wealth would tempt Kremer into the mortal sin of avarice," a despondent Lucifer said. "Alas, he told his friends that he felt like spending the day hanging out around the house, instead of joining them at the casino. Curses!" Satan said he hopes that Kremer will at least watch softcore pornography on cable before the week is over.

Track Winnings Reinvested In Blackjack Futures

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Seeking to grow his financial assets, Piscataway, NJ, gambler Richard Pasquale shrewdly reinvested his $2,432 trifecta win in the third race at Belmont Park in high-yield blackjack futures Monday. "The thoroughbred game is so vulnerable to track fluctuations, I thought it would be better to transfer my funds into a more proven money-maker, one with a tremendous upside," said Pasquale, speaking from the blackjack pit at Harrah's Atlantic City casino. "Plus, I got a feeling I'm headed for a hot streak." He then instructed his dealer to hit him.
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Pete Rose Reinstatement Request Offers MLB Commissioner Lower Vig On Upcoming Emanuel Lopez-Carlos Padilla Fight

NEW YORK—As part of a formal appeal to lift his lifetime ban from baseball, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Cincinnati Reds star Pete Rose offered new MLB commissioner Rob Manfred a lower vig on an upcoming boxing match between Emanuel Lopez and Carlos Padilla. “I deeply apologize for tarnishing the integrity of Major League Baseball, but if I am reinstated, I will never disrespect the game of baseball again, and I can also get you some sweet action on this Saturday’s Lopez-Padilla fight, if you’re interested,” read an excerpt of the petition, which went on to say that Rose could get Manfred in on the ground floor with “a good friend” taking bets on the upcoming WBA Super Featherweight World Championship bout. “Look, this is an offer I wouldn’t extend to just anybody, but if you can get me ten large by Friday, I can pull some strings to lower the juice, plus cut your wager in before the opening line. And Lopez is a sure thing—just trust me on that.” Rose added that, if reinstated, he hopes to someday be elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame in order to “cash in big” on a few longstanding wagers.