Michael Jordan Mulling Return To Craps Table

LAS VEGAS—Having walked away following nine heart-pounding rounds, sources confirmed Tuesday night that former Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan is considering a return to the craps table at the Bellagio casino.

Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...

Six-Hour Bus Ride Endured For Slots

I-95, NJ—Baltimore resident Gary Drake, 53, endured a six-hour bus ride from Baltimore to Atlantic City Tuesday, drawn by the prospect of feeding coins into a slot machine at a dimly lit casino.

Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip

UNCASVILLE, CT—Satan, The Father Of Lies, suffered a dispiriting blow Saturday, when potential sinner Jeffrey Kremer chose to forgo a soul-polluting trip to the Mohegan Sun Resort Casino, The Prince Of Darkness said Monday. "I had hoped that the allure of the bright lights and the promise of instant wealth would tempt Kremer into the mortal sin of avarice," a despondent Lucifer said. "Alas, he told his friends that he felt like spending the day hanging out around the house, instead of joining them at the casino. Curses!" Satan said he hopes that Kremer will at least watch softcore pornography on cable before the week is over.

Track Winnings Reinvested In Blackjack Futures

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Seeking to grow his financial assets, Piscataway, NJ, gambler Richard Pasquale shrewdly reinvested his $2,432 trifecta win in the third race at Belmont Park in high-yield blackjack futures Monday. "The thoroughbred game is so vulnerable to track fluctuations, I thought it would be better to transfer my funds into a more proven money-maker, one with a tremendous upside," said Pasquale, speaking from the blackjack pit at Harrah's Atlantic City casino. "Plus, I got a feeling I'm headed for a hot streak." He then instructed his dealer to hit him.

Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner

HARRISBURG, PA—Winona Culvert, a loser in Monday's $113 million Pennsylvania Lottery, expressed anger at Mechanicsburg electrician Clint Furlow, who took home the jackpot after buying a single ticket on a whim. "Who the hell does that asshole think he is?" said Culvert upon seeing the news report of Furlow's victory. "I bought 40 tickets." Culvert added that she needs the prize money far more than Furlow, as she has been on public assistance for the past two years.

Guy On Racetrack P.A. Sounds A Little Depressed Today

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY–Gordon Asheton, public-address announcer at Saratoga Racetrack, seemed a bit distant Monday, track regular Brad Herman reported. "Usually, [Asheton]'s totally enthusiastic, firing up the crowd," Herman said. "But today, after he said, 'And they're off,' there was kind of a pause and a heavy sigh before he gave the running order. When he announced Daddy's Little Prizefighter as the winner, he barely seemed to care. I hope everything's okay at home."

This Casino Is So Glamorous!

Oh! Oh, my goodness! When Helen and Patty said they were going to take me to a casino, I thought it would be nice, but this is something else! I had no idea the casino would be so glamorous!
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FBI Investigators Struggling To Keep Track Of All The DraftKings Employees Nicknamed ‘D-Blaze’ While Sifting Through Emails

BOSTON—Amid an ongoing inquiry into the alleged use of insider information and predatory tactics by the daily fantasy sports website, FBI investigators confirmed Friday that they have had incredible difficulty keeping track of all the different DraftKings employees nicknamed “D-Blaze.” “We have uncovered some very concerning instances of illegal gambling practices and the dissemination of proprietary information, but unfortunately, the precise perpetrators have been hard to identify, since it appears that well over half of the DraftKings staff have the informal moniker ‘D-Blaze,’” said lead investigator Garrett Hoffman, noting that the overwhelming majority of the company’s internal messages were addressed from one employee going by “D-Blaze” to another who also goes by “D-Blaze,” each of whom could refer to hundreds of individuals throughout the company’s hierarchy all nicknamed “D-Blaze.” “We’ve been able to eliminate some of the confusion by assigning each ‘D-Blaze’ a different number for reference. That said, almost all of the employee email addresses have been customized to some iteration of—either with hyphens, underscores, multiple z’s, or a string of x’s affixed to the end—so the investigation has been slowed considerably.” Hoffman added, however, that FBI agents have successfully identified the three executives on the DraftKings board of directors who had been dubbed “G-Train.”


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