gay & lesbian

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:

The Gay Rights Movement In America: A Timeline

The Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision Friday that bans on gay marriage are unconstitutional, concluding decades of hard-fought battles by gay rights activists to grant marriage equality to all. Here is a timeline of milestones in the gay rights movement in the U.S.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

Gay Marriage State By State

The Supreme Court ruled this week that gay couples in Alabama will be allowed to marry in the months leading up to its ruling on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage, while other states continue to uphold bans.

Gay Man Unaware He Focus Of Thousands Of Prayers

SANTA ROSA, CA—Oblivious to the fact that he was being held in the hearts of Christian congregations across the country, 36-year-old gay man Andrew Fitzpatrick reportedly went about his grocery shopping Friday fully unaware that he was currently the...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

“It’s In His Butt,” Say Researchers

Researchers today took a break from bullying their colleague Carl to announce to the world that Carl is a little pansy boy and that they are sick of him.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation’s Sexual Degenerates Impatient For Gay Marriage Slippery Slope To Kick In

WASHINGTON—Assuming they’d be stripping away the moral fabric of society almost immediately after the Supreme Court’s 2015 decision to legalize same-sex marriage, the nation’s degenerates reported Monday that they have grown impatient for the gay marriage slippery slope to kick in. “We were promised that when gay marriage was legalized, it’d only be a matter of time before sickos like me would be having sex with our pets—well, I’ve got a dog and a cat I still haven’t fucked,” said an exasperated Alan Beleski, 42, one of the deviants from across the country who told reporters they were tired of waiting for the inevitable collapse in decency that would normalize acts such as bestiality, incest, and necrophilia. “Goddammit, what’s taking so long? When gay marriages were finally recognized in this country, I thought, ‘Hell yeah! I can finally openly proclaim my love for my sex doll, and I can also legally marry five other dolls because polygamy’s A-okay, too.’ But all that seems like a million years ago.” At press time, the nation’s degenerates took small comfort in states like Massachusetts where, with parental and court approval, a child can be married off at any age.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.