Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn Apart

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Knowledge is power. In this competitive, male-dominated world, a woman must take advantage of all the resources at her disposal. Luckily, I found a way to take the idea that men and women should be socially, politically, and economically equal, and make it work for me. Now I'm subverting the dominant paradigm—and raking in the benefits!

Half-Naked Kissinger Thrown Out Of U.S. News & World Report Mansion

WASHINGTON, DC–Another chapter was added to the infamous history of the U.S. News & World Report Mansion Saturday, when celebrity politico Henry Kissinger, former Secretary of State and longtime fixture at the journalism and pleasure palace, was forcibly removed from the premises after removing his pants and drunkenly plummeting from a second-story balcony into a pool.

Area Woman Not Listened To Again

SPENCER, WI—Diane Hamm, 38, a lifelong Spencer resident and part-time clerical assistant at Groelke Home Financing in nearby Plovis, was not listened to yet again Tuesday, when her husband paid no attention to what she was saying as she handed him the morning newspaper.
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Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn Apart

PEORIA, IL—Seventy-six-year-old grandmother Anita Graney told reporters Monday that she was "overwhelmed with pride" for having lived to see the first viable female presidential candidate in the nation's history so successfully run into the ground by vicious media attacks and hubristic, arrogant miscalculations. "Hillary [Clinton] showed America that a woman can be politically destroyed just as completely and heartbreakingly as any man," said Graney, a lifelong feminist. "What an amazing example for today's young women who aspire to fail spectacularly at the highest levels." Graney expressed hope that one of her granddaughters might someday be the first woman to get utterly eviscerated in a nationwide general election.

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