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God

God Planning To Get Rid Of Harsh Shadows By Adding Second Sun

THE HEAVENS—Saying the additional light source would help soften the often stark look of the earthly realm, God, Our Holy Father, told reporters Monday that He was planning to add a second sun to eliminate some harsh shadows that have been bothering him.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

God Falling Under Influence Of Powerful Spiritual Guru

‘He’ll Do Anything The Rishi Tells Him,’ Say Concerned Heavenly Sources

THE HEAVENS—Increasingly worried by the changes they have noticed in the supreme deity’s behavior, heavenly sources expressed concern Thursday that God, Our Holy Father, was falling under the influence of a self-styled spiritual guru calling himself “the Rishi.”

God Getting Strong Urge To Bring Back Dinosaurs

THE HEAVENS—Lamenting that the mass extinction event wiped out the reptiles too soon, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Monday that He has recently been getting a strong desire to bring back the dinosaurs.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

God Loses Tip Of Finger In Black Hole Accident

MESSIER 74 GALAXY—Recoiling in pain after the gravitational vortex tore off a chunk of flesh and bone down to the first knuckle, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly lost the tip of His right index finger Monday in an accident involving an intermediate-mass black hole.

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.
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God Pissed Solar Eclipse Not Visible From Heaven

THE HEAVENS—Angered to be missing out on the spectacular celestial phenomenon, God, Our Lord and Father, was reportedly pissed Monday that the solar eclipse would not be visible from Heaven. “Dammit, I’ve walked around every cloud here, and the sun looks the same no matter where I am,” said the Almighty, fuming that He wasted “eight freaking bucks” on special viewing glasses only to find out nothing was happening. “I looked it up online, and it said that I should be right in the path of total coverage. But it just seems like any other stupid day. So now I either have to watch this on some glitchy NASA livestream or wait until 2024 for the next one? That’s total bullshit.” At press time, the Lord had permanently installed the moon directly in front of the sun, so he could watch an eclipse anytime he wanted.

More from this section

God Getting Strong Urge To Bring Back Dinosaurs

THE HEAVENS—Lamenting that the mass extinction event wiped out the reptiles too soon, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Monday that He has recently been getting a strong desire to bring back the dinosaurs.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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