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God Rewinds Time To Watch Man Fall Off Trampoline Again

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Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

God Loses Tip Of Finger In Black Hole Accident

MESSIER 74 GALAXY—Recoiling in pain after the gravitational vortex tore off a chunk of flesh and bone down to the first knuckle, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly lost the tip of His right index finger Monday in an accident involving an intermediate-mass black hole.

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings

THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming an entire 20-piece order of spicy angel wings.

Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth

THE HEAVENS—Saying He’d had absolutely nothing to do all day, the Lord our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reportedly attempted to alleviate His boredom Monday by seeing if He could fit the entire planet Jupiter into His mouth.

How To Join The Priesthood

With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.

God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion

THE HEAVENS—Saying that the various belief systems had a “good run” over the last few millennia but that it was probably time for humans to get by on their own, the Lord Our God, He Who Is Seen And Unseen, proclaimed Monday that He would begin slowly weaning humanity off religion.
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God Rewinds Time To Watch Man Fall Off Trampoline Again

THE HEAVENS—Saying He just had to see the guy faceplant one more time, the Lord our God, Almighty Creator of the Universe, reportedly rewound time Monday to watch an Indiana man fall off a trampoline again. “Look, look, look—you can see right when his foot goes through the hole between the springs and his face is just like ‘Oh shit,’” said God, who reportedly reversed the temporal flow of all existence six times in a row to watch the man “just completely eat it,” at one point pausing time entirely to laugh at the 25-year-old suspended upside down in the air after he had bounced off the trampoline’s metal frame and just a split second before his face slammed into the ground. “That sound he lets out afterwards is amazing—it’s not even a scream; it’s like a squeal. Oh man, that had to hurt like a motherfucker. Fucking idiot.” At press time, the Lord had reportedly rewound time once again and then restarted it in slow motion, shouting for a few nearby angels to come over and “check this shit out.”

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