adBlockCheck

U.S. Census Report Finds Some Poor Fuck Named Kip

Top Headlines

government

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq

WASHINGTON—Bringing together the many civilian leaders and military strategists who helped them reach such a historic milestone, Pentagon officials held a lavish black-tie gala Sunday at which, sources said, they commemorated 25 years of the United States bombing Iraq.

How Firearm Background Checks Work

With gun violence in the United States rising to unprecedented levels, many lawmakers have pushed to expand federal background checks for the purchase of firearms. Here’s how background checks are currently conducted

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America

Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

U.S. Census Report Finds Some Poor Fuck Named Kip

WASHINGTON—Saying they had audited their survey data several times to ensure the information was correct, U.S. Census Bureau officials confirmed Friday they had found some poor fuck named Kip. “After a careful analysis of our records, we have determined that there is some miserable sonofabitch out there whose given name is Kip—just Kip,” said the bureau’s director, John H. Thompson, who noted that the Census immediately dispatched an agent to the man’s home to verify the troubling findings and determined that Kip is, in fact, the depressing sad sack’s actual legal name. “It’s not even short for anything. When this wretched loser had to fill out his Census form—Christ, every time he’s ever had to write his legal name on anything—he had to write ‘Kip. K-I-P.’ God, can you even imagine if that were you? Poor bastard.” Thompson told reporters that after personally reconfirming over the phone that Kip is the man’s real name, he didn’t bother asking any additional questions about other people in his household, figuring someone so pathetic had to be living completely alone.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close