Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

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Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.

Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket

ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart.

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.
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Good Times

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

  • Cities can adequately prepare residents for life after a natural disaster by razing low-income neighborhoods beforehand
  • Every household should have an emergency storm preparedness kit that includes an extra five stories of elevation
  • Learning from the humiliation of Katrina, FEMA has stockpiled almost 10,000 body bags to avoid any potential shortages
  • Every family should designate a fixed point to gather to watch disaster footage on TV
  • Citizens nationwide can prepare for disasters by having a stash of sympathetic Facebook posts and tweets ready to go
  • To avoid the most devastating effects, coastal areas must be proactive before a storm by engaging in diplomacy with it while it is still offshore
  • Alpha Phi must go on spring break in New Orleans now before it’s too late
  • The most at-risk residents along shorelines are encouraged to board up their orifices with plywood and tie themselves down at all times
  • Above all, federal, state, and local governments must work in partnership in order to comprehensively botch an emergency response together