President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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‘There’s Nothing To It,’ Secret Service Agent Assures Mar-A-Lago Bellhop Assigned Rooftop Sniper Duty

PALM BEACH, FL—Explaining that the job was far less complicated than it appeared, a Secret Service agent assured a Mar-A-Lago bellhop Monday that there was “nothing at all” to rooftop sniper duty. “So you hold the gun like this, look through this scope right here, and just pull this trigger when you want to shoot—you’ll get the hang of it pretty quick,” said agent Gregory Shaw, assuring the 19-year-old part-time resort employee that he could always use the walkie-talkie if he had any questions about operating the SR-25 semi-automatic sniper rifle. “Don’t worry about it too much. You basically just scan the area, and if it looks like someone might attack the president, you take ’em out. You might need to fire a couple times, but you’ll get the kill eventually. Hey, don’t worry, you’ll do great.” According to sources, the bellhop accidentally shot a parking valet in the shoulder within minutes.

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