Secret Service Shuts Down Biden’s Unofficial White House Tour Operation

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John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

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The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

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John Kerry Jettisons Russian Henchmen From International Space Station Airlock

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CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools

WASHINGTON—Calling the finding an imminent threat to public health nationwide, horrified officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention convened an emergency press conference Wednesday to announce they had discovered the existence of thousands of public pools throughout the country.

Obama Discovers Telepathic Connection With Military Drone In Afghanistan

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WASHINGTON—Appearing frightened and confused by his unexplained new powers, President Barack Obama reportedly pulled members of the White House staff aside Wednesday to inform them of his recently discovered telepathic connection with an Afghanistan-based military drone.
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Secret Service Shuts Down Biden’s Unofficial White House Tour Operation

WASHINGTON—Encouraging the group of visitors that he was showing around the Roosevelt Room to “fucking hightail it,” vice president Joe Biden was reportedly stopped by “killjoy” Secret Service members Tuesday who moved quickly to shut down his unofficial White House tour. “I provide a legit service at a discount, unlike that rinky-dink official tour where you don’t get to peep half as much cool-ass shit, but those glorified security guards had to go and put the kibosh on it,” said Biden, who had reportedly been making some extra cash on the side by approaching groups of tourists waiting in line outside the White House and asking them if they wanted to see the “real deal,” before sneaking ahead into the West Wing to check if the coast was clear. “The actual tour is a huge ripoff, but Diamond Joe’s Ultimate Sightseeing Adventure shows you stuff that’s not on any map. Listen, there’s some shit that Barry doesn’t even know is here, and I was letting people in on it for a totally reasonable price. Plus, I give people way more bang for their buck with all the trippy strobe lights and dry ice in the basement, not to mention the fact that all of Uncle Joe’s guests get to snag a bitchin’ lamp or clock at the end.” At press time, Biden was reportedly lamenting that his most recent group of visitors missed out on seeing the historical spot where he mistook an 18th-century chest of drawers for a urinal while “completely tanked.”


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