Yellow Cross Receives Record 10,000 Liters Of Urine Donations

NEW YORK—Saying they were elated with the number of people who took time out of their day to relieve themselves for a good cause, officials at the Yellow Cross announced Wednesday that the organization received a record 10,000 liters of urine during its annual spring donation drive.

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
End Of Section
  • More News

Flesh-Eating Bacteria Wishing It Hadn’t Filled Up On Foot

RICHMOND, VA—Expressing regret over stuffing itself so early in the meal, a local flesh-eating bacterium was reportedly wishing Monday that it hadn’t filled up so much on foot. “Oh, god, I just started pigging out on that delicious heel wound, and I guess I didn’t realize how much necrotic tissue I was scarfing down,” said the microorganism Pseudomonas, lamenting that it was way too full to even enjoy the pair of mouthwatering calves. “This always happens. I just go to town on one appendage and leave no room to finish the rest of the body. I really need to learn better impulse control.” At press time, the bacterium was comforted by the fact that it could save some of that tasty bicep for later.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.