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Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

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Abortion: Myth Vs. Fact

As more and more cases of abortion restriction make their way to higher courts, pro-life and pro-choice defenders continue their longstanding battle on the national stage. The Onion reviews some common myths about the practice

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools

WASHINGTON—Calling the finding an imminent threat to public health nationwide, horrified officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention convened an emergency press conference Wednesday to announce they had discovered the existence of thousands of public pools throughout the country.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

How To Meditate

The Onion breaks down the steps involved in clearing your mind and meditating effectively.
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Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts:

Key
  • M Myth
  • F Fact
    • M

      Obesity is a state dictated by many complex factors such as genetics and environment

    • F

      Obesity is caused by choosing white bread over wheat

    • M

      It’s healthier to be thin than fat

    • F

      Multiple researchers confirm that the human body can maintain healthy function at any size, Mom

    • M

      Tolerance and celebration of a wide range of body types are the best approaches to obesity

    • F

      Snide comments and withering glances from bus passengers are the tried-and-true methods of addressing obesity

    • M

      There is no one-size-fits-all solution for managing one’s health

    • F

      Talk to your doctor about Laproxodil today

    • M

      Realistic weight loss goals are more likely to result in successful health management

    • F

      No weight loss goal is realistic

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