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Clinton Debunks Rumors About Health By Telling Audience Exact Day She Will Die

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‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools

WASHINGTON—Calling the finding an imminent threat to public health nationwide, horrified officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention convened an emergency press conference Wednesday to announce they had discovered the existence of thousands of public pools throughout the country.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

How To Meditate

The Onion breaks down the steps involved in clearing your mind and meditating effectively.
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Clinton Debunks Rumors About Health By Telling Audience Exact Day She Will Die

PENSACOLA, FL—Addressing recent allegations that she is physically unfit to serve in the Oval Office, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, 68, debunked rumors about her health Monday by telling the audience at a campaign rally the exact day she will die. “To those who say I’m not able-bodied enough to be president, let me respond: I will die on January 23, 2041,” said Clinton, who then further discredited those questioning her strength and wellness by confirming she will pass away early that morning, and that the cause of death will be congestive heart failure related to her advanced age. “I will die surrounded by my loved ones, who will then mourn me for an appropriate length of time. But this won’t happen anytime soon; it will happen in 8,913 days.” Clinton then went on to reveal to the cheering crowd that her body would lie in state at the Capitol rotunda for 45 hours for public viewing and tributes before the nation honors her with a state funeral service at the Washington National Cathedral.


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