Grandmother Down To 10-Step Radius Around Recliner In Den

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How Meat Reaches Our Table

With Americans consuming well over 100 pounds of meat per year on average, many wonder what’s involved in bringing this food from the farm to our table. Here is a step-by-step look at how meat is processed for our consumption:

What Smoking A Cigarette Does To The Body

With the FDA recently pulling multiple cigarette brands off the market, the conversation surrounding the harmful effects of smoking has been returning in full force to the national stage. Here is what happens to your body as you smoke a cigarette

How Restaurants Are Making Children’s Meals Healthier

Due to high-profile exposure like the “Happy Meals bill,” which seeks to market less fattening meals to children, many restaurants across the country are trying to make their kids menus healthier and combat childhood obesity. Here are some ways they are tackling the issue:

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

What You Need To Know About ‘Female Viagra’

The FDA recently approved the sale of Flibanserin, a pink pill intended for women diagnosed with low sex drive; critics have questioned the pill’s effectiveness, while advocates are praising the move toward supporting both men and women with these sexual issues. Here are some of the most common questions about Flibanserin

What Coca-Cola Does To The Body

Including recent claims that it funded research that blamed obesity on a lack of exercise rather than bad dietary habits, the Coca-Cola Company is often accused of trying to hide or downplay the damaging effects of soft drink consumption.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Marathon Training Tips

Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go

BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go.

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


Grandmother Down To 10-Step Radius Around Recliner In Den

MARTINSBURG, MD—Noting that most rooms of her home are now effectively off-limits to her, the family of local grandmother Edith Wilson confirmed this week that the 84-year-old is down to a 10-step radius around her recliner in the den. “A few years ago, she could get around the whole ground floor of her house no problem, but now she can’t even make it to her sewing table where she used to pause to hold herself up,” said youngest son Todd Wilson, who noted that all his mother’s most important items—notably her Kleenex, hard candies, pill organizer, Woman’s Day magazines, and glucose monitor—had been relocated to shelves and end tables within several shambles of her tan, overstuffed chair. “She’s still within shuffling distance of the bathroom, which is good. But if this keeps up, we’re probably going to have to move everything she needs within arm’s reach of her chair pretty soon.” Wilson added that his mother was scheduled to have knee surgery later this year, which he hoped would eventually allow her to traverse all the way to the far side of the room at will.