NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems.
SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy.
WASHINGTON—Highlighting the benefits of brief, infrequent aerobic activity, U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy urged Americans Friday to make sure to exercise once every few months during a frenzied moment of panic regarding their health.
MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
DULUTH, MN—Excitedly believing the chunk of strawberry marked the beginning of a new, more nutritious diet, the body of area woman Jenny Cook was reportedly given a sense of false hope Friday after the 27-year-old consumed a piece of fruit for the first time in nine days.
PARKER, CO—In what doctors are calling a true medical miracle, local construction worker Kal Mathyssen awoke from a week-long coma early Wednesday with the ability to fully comprehend his health insurance plan, sources at Parker Adventist Hospital confirmed.
STANFORD, CA—Saying their findings were consistent across all ages and demographic groups, psychologists at Stanford University released a groundbreaking report this week confirming that feeling bad right now is an extremely accurate predictor of feeling bad forever.
As more and more cases of abortion restriction make their way to higher courts, pro-life and pro-choice defenders continue their longstanding battle on the national stage. The Onion reviews some common myths about the practice
PENSACOLA, FL—Addressing recent allegations that she is physically unfit to serve in the Oval Office, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, 68, debunked rumors about her health Monday by telling the audience at a campaign rally the exact day she will die.
ATHENS, GA—Enumerating the variety of health benefits that result from the practice, a study released Tuesday by the Department of Entomology at the University of Georgia recommends all insects spend at least 30 minutes skittering per day.
ATLANTA—In an unprecedented warning to the U.S. populace, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that scientists had discovered the first known case of an individual contracting the Zika virus directly from a news article on the infectious disease.
WASHINGTON—Explaining that the negative consequences in the long term outweigh any short-term satisfaction, experts from the American Psychological Association issued a statement Friday advising individuals against picking up their laptop and throwing it as hard as they can across the office, even though doing so would feel absolutely incredible.
WASHINGTON—Citing its innate hardness and increased likelihood of causing pain, the Department of Health and Human Services published a report Tuesday revealing that the ground remains the least desirable surface for breaking a fall.
ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.
LONG BEACH, CA—At approximately 7:05 a.m. Monday, sources at St. Mary Medical Center confirmed that local woman Deliah Zahn gave birth to a healthy black mark on the record of Bayer—manufacturer of the birth control pill Yaz—weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces.
WASHINGTON—Calling the finding an imminent threat to public health nationwide, horrified officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention convened an emergency press conference Wednesday to announce they had discovered the existence of thousands of public pools throughout the country.
NATICK, MA—Entirely unbeknownst to him, 45-year-old local resident Timothy Lang stood on the threshold of an exciting new phase in his life Monday as he typed the phrase “tender lump on neck” into Google’s search bar, sources reported.
HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.
KENOSHA, WI—After participating in the fundraising event for a local charity this past weekend, area woman Ashley Hyland reported to friends and family Monday that she had no idea competing in a 5K walk could be so unrewarding.