adBlockCheck

healthcare

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Abortion: Myth Vs. Fact

As more and more cases of abortion restriction make their way to higher courts, pro-life and pro-choice defenders continue their longstanding battle on the national stage. The Onion reviews some common myths about the practice

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

How To Get A Medical Marijuana Card

With 23 states now allowing the use of medical marijuana, many citizens are wondering how to obtain the substance safely and legally. Here is a step-by-step look at how to get and use a medical marijuana card
End Of Section
  • More News

Republicans Vow Not To Repeal Obamacare Without Detailed Plan For Disposing Of Patients’ Disease-Ridden Corpses

WASHINGTON—In an effort to allay concerns over how the abrupt removal of Obamacare would impact millions covered by the legislation, House Republicans pledged Tuesday that they would not dismantle the healthcare law without first putting in place a detailed and comprehensive plan for disposing of patients’ disease-ridden corpses, sources confirmed. “We want the American people to know that we will not, under any circumstances, repeal the Affordable Care Act until we have a full, working Republican alternative for disposing of participants’ withered, virus-infested remains,” said House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), adding that current enrollees can rest assured that the GOP is working tirelessly to draft provisions that will ensure every single Obamacare recipient can have their ashen and tumor-riddled carcass cremated, buried, or dissolved in a quick and efficient manner at minimal cost. “To those presently insured under the ACA, you can expect a smooth transition in the weeks ahead from your current coverage to our much cheaper, easier, and more convenient corpse-elimination plan. Your putrid lifeless body and the putrid lifeless bodies of your loved ones will be well taken care of—that’s our party’s guarantee to you.” McCarthy added that Americans will also be pleased to know that free-market competition will keep down the fees associated with the GOP’s plan, as all current Obamacare beneficiaries will soon have the option of having their moldering corpses disposed of across state lines.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close