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healthcare

Abortion: Myth Vs. Fact

As more and more cases of abortion restriction make their way to higher courts, pro-life and pro-choice defenders continue their longstanding battle on the national stage. The Onion reviews some common myths about the practice

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

How To Get A Medical Marijuana Card

With 23 states now allowing the use of medical marijuana, many citizens are wondering how to obtain the substance safely and legally. Here is a step-by-step look at how to get and use a medical marijuana card

What You Need To Know About ‘Female Viagra’

The FDA recently approved the sale of Flibanserin, a pink pill intended for women diagnosed with low sex drive; critics have questioned the pill’s effectiveness, while advocates are praising the move toward supporting both men and women with these sexual issues. Here are some of the most common questions about Flibanserin
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How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process:

  • STEP 1

    Cage full of mice killed

  • STEP 2

    Human test subjects selected from representative group of subway passengers looking to make $250

  • STEP 3

    Clipboard time, baby!

  • STEP 4

    Lucky bastard manages to reap psychological benefit from sugar pill

  • STEP 5

    Research destroyed when trysting young lab assistants knock over entire tray of blood samples

  • STEP 6

    7-milligram group starts to act pretty weird

  • STEP 7

    Third phase of trial expands testing outward from group of 100 healthy adults to water supply of Topeka, KS

  • STEP 8

    Voice actor splinters under pressure of cramming 17 side effects into final six seconds of radio ad

  • STEP 9

    Trials taken back to the drawing board after medication’s profitability remains inconclusive

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