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Blindfolded Clinton Invites Debate Coaches To Attack Her With Talking Points From All Sides

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hillary clinton

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Clinton’s General Election Strategy

With the primaries behind them, the presumptive nominees from both parties must now assess how to approach the general election. Here is how Hillary Clinton is strategizing her campaign moving forward

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.
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Election 2016

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Blindfolded Clinton Invites Debate Coaches To Attack Her With Talking Points From All Sides

NEW YORK—Standing slightly crouched with her fists raised up in front of her in the middle of her campaign office’s mock stage, a blindfolded Hillary Clinton reportedly implored her high-level staffers to attack her with talking points from all sides Wednesday in preparation for next week’s first presidential debate. “Let’s do this—I want all of you to come at me with everything you’ve got: Benghazi, my Iraq War vote, the Keystone XL pipeline, everything,” said Clinton to the circle of aides surrounding her as she began jabbing and thrusting her hands through the air in forceful gesticulations, skillfully dodging rhetorical blows and deflecting a barrage of vicious critiques of her email practices as secretary of state, all while maintaining her poise and balance. “Stop trying to hit me with accusations of flip-flopping on the Trans-Pacific Partnership and hit me, dammit! Don’t hold anything back!” At press time, Clinton had spun completely around on the issue of her financial ties to Wall Street and then shifted herself hard to the right to avoid an aggressive charge of being soft on crime, leaving her completely unscathed while her exhausted aides huffed and puffed in defeat.

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