adBlockCheck

Clinton Ominously Tells Iowan Supporters To Mark Front Doors With Campaign Logo Before Sundown

Top Headlines

hillary clinton

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

What’s Been Found In Hillary’s Emails So Far

Hillary Clinton agreed to turn over her private email server to the FBI Wednesday after it was alleged that emails sent over her personal account could be compromised outside the possession of the government. Here are some of the contents of Clinton’s emails that have been inspected thus far

Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’

WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck th...

Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Clinton Ominously Tells Iowan Supporters To Mark Front Doors With Campaign Logo Before Sundown

DES MOINES, IA—Declaring that all voting-age citizens who took the measures would be spared, Hillary Clinton ominously instructed her supporters throughout Iowa to mark their front doors with her campaign logo before sundown, sources confirmed Sunday. “All those residing in Iowa take heed: Your home shall bear the mark of my campaign this eve, or may God help you,” said the Democratic candidate after dispatching a phalanx of campaign staffers to all four corners of the state to spread the message of her directive. “Be within your dwellings with the doors closed and locked before nightfall, and do not cross the threshold before the sun rises again in the sky. The emblem of the red-and-blue H will protect my true voters.” At press time, Clinton issued a statement ordering all Iowan supporters who remain on Monday morning to bring forth their progeny between 18 and 34 years of age to the polls.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close