New Yorkers Cower As Clinton Victory Speech Reverberates Across Entire State

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FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton Appears Before Rally Completely Nude In Bid For Authenticity

‘Here I Am, A Mere Human Being,’ Says Naked Candidate

RALEIGH, NC—Flatly declaring to audience members that she stood on stage as no more than a human being with nothing to hide, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly appeared Friday before a campaign rally completely nude in a bid to once and for all prove her authenticity.

Clinton Throws Flash Grenade To Divert Attention From Question About Senate Voting Record

MIAMI—Surreptitiously grabbing the explosive device stashed inside her lectern and pulling its pin as soon as she heard moderator Jorge Ramos mention her support for the Iraq War and the Wall Street bailout, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly threw a flash grenade onto the stage during Wednesday night’s Democratic debate to divert attention away from a question about her Senate voting record.

Hillary Clinton Issues Single-Word Victory Speech Following Super Tuesday Results

‘Satisfactory,’ Says Candidate

MIAMI—Striding briskly onto the stage and walking directly toward the podium without stopping to wave or smile at the cheering crowd in attendance, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly issued a single-word victory speech after significantly widening her delegate lead on Super Tuesday.

Clinton Tosses Unpledged Superdelegate In Trunk Of Car

LA CROSSE, WI—Ambushing the party official in an empty parking garage as he exited his office, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly grabbed an unpledged Democratic superdelegate and threw him into the trunk of her car during the late night hours Monday.

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.
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New Yorkers Cower As Clinton Victory Speech Reverberates Across Entire State

ALBANY, NY—Covering their ears as the thunderous sound violently shook buildings and shattered glass windows, New York residents reportedly cowered in shock and fear Tuesday night as Hillary Clinton’s primary election victory speech reverberated across the entire state. “Thank you all so much—today, you proved once again there’s no place like home,” said the Democratic presidential candidate, as her deafening address, which seemed to come from all sides at once, boomed across the landscape, setting off car alarms and forcing drivers to pull over to the side of the road in all 62 New York counties. “The race for the nomination is in the home stretch, and victory is in sight. You have carried us every step of the way with passion and determination. I am grateful to every one of you.” At press time, sources in the upcoming primary states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Rhode Island, and Pennsylvania reported witnessing ripples in their water glasses as the opening line of Clinton’s stump speech swelled in the distance.

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