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Clinton Assures Tim Kaine She’ll Continue Serving As President In Event Of Her Death

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Clinton’s General Election Strategy

With the primaries behind them, the presumptive nominees from both parties must now assess how to approach the general election. Here is how Hillary Clinton is strategizing her campaign moving forward

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.

Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton Appears Before Rally Completely Nude In Bid For Authenticity

‘Here I Am, A Mere Human Being,’ Says Naked Candidate

RALEIGH, NC—Flatly declaring to audience members that she stood on stage as no more than a human being with nothing to hide, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly appeared Friday before a campaign rally completely nude in a bid to once and for all prove her authenticity.

Clinton Throws Flash Grenade To Divert Attention From Question About Senate Voting Record

MIAMI—Surreptitiously grabbing the explosive device stashed inside her lectern and pulling its pin as soon as she heard moderator Jorge Ramos mention her support for the Iraq War and the Wall Street bailout, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly threw a flash grenade onto the stage during Wednesday night’s Democratic debate to divert attention away from a question about her Senate voting record.

Hillary Clinton Issues Single-Word Victory Speech Following Super Tuesday Results

‘Satisfactory,’ Says Candidate

MIAMI—Striding briskly onto the stage and walking directly toward the podium without stopping to wave or smile at the cheering crowd in attendance, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly issued a single-word victory speech after significantly widening her delegate lead on Super Tuesday.
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Clinton Assures Tim Kaine She’ll Continue Serving As President In Event Of Her Death

MIAMI—In their first official meeting Saturday as Democratic running mates, Hillary Clinton reportedly pulled aside her vice presidential pick, Virginia senator Tim Kaine, and quietly assured him that in the event of her death while in office, she would continue serving as commander-in-chief. “If something unfortunate happens to me in the next four years, I want you to know that not a single thing changes, and I will still carry out all duties of the presidency,” said Clinton, explaining that should she as president succumb to an illness or accident, all national security, economic, foreign affairs, and social policy decisions would continue to go through her as usual. “I don’t want you to worry or panic if I happen to pass away. Just know that nothing—not a degenerative illness nor the bonds of death—can prevent me from leading this country for the full duration of my term. Dying will not diminish my power, got it? Okay, glad to have you aboard.” Clinton went on to state that, while tragic, her untimely demise would bring with it a number of political advantages, as no longer needing to sleep, eat, or breathe would free up significant amounts of time for her to focus on running for reelection.

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