If I Could Be Just Completely Honest For A Second, I Believe Exactly What You Believe

Top Headlines

hillary clinton

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton Appears Before Rally Completely Nude In Bid For Authenticity

‘Here I Am, A Mere Human Being,’ Says Naked Candidate

RALEIGH, NC—Flatly declaring to audience members that she stood on stage as no more than a human being with nothing to hide, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly appeared Friday before a campaign rally completely nude in a bid to once and for all prove her authenticity.

Clinton Throws Flash Grenade To Divert Attention From Question About Senate Voting Record

MIAMI—Surreptitiously grabbing the explosive device stashed inside her lectern and pulling its pin as soon as she heard moderator Jorge Ramos mention her support for the Iraq War and the Wall Street bailout, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly threw a flash grenade onto the stage during Wednesday night’s Democratic debate to divert attention away from a question about her Senate voting record.

Hillary Clinton Issues Single-Word Victory Speech Following Super Tuesday Results

‘Satisfactory,’ Says Candidate

MIAMI—Striding briskly onto the stage and walking directly toward the podium without stopping to wave or smile at the cheering crowd in attendance, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly issued a single-word victory speech after significantly widening her delegate lead on Super Tuesday.

Clinton Tosses Unpledged Superdelegate In Trunk Of Car

LA CROSSE, WI—Ambushing the party official in an empty parking garage as he exited his office, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly grabbed an unpledged Democratic superdelegate and threw him into the trunk of her car during the late night hours Monday.

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Election 2016

More Election Coverage

If I Could Be Just Completely Honest For A Second, I Believe Exactly What You Believe

When you’re out on the campaign trail, making a succession of quick public appearances and giving brief stump speeches, it can be hard for voters to get to know your deepest, most nuanced convictions. The best policies for our nation don’t always fit into a tidy sound bite, and a candidate’s words inevitably get distorted by the media frenzy that surrounds presidential races. So let me take a moment to set the record straight once and for all and be completely honest with you about where I stand on the issues: I strongly and firmly believe all the same things you believe.

Our next president needs to be someone who’s forthright, transparent, and unafraid to speak the truth. That’s why I think it’s important to use this opportunity to be as candid as possible about my most passionately held views. When I look at the most pressing domestic and international challenges facing America today, I continue to think, as I always have, exactly what you do.

These are my core convictions. My driving principles.

Throughout my career, I have stayed true to these positions and stood like a rock. For example, I have for decades believed steadfastly in what you believe on the economy, LGBT rights, and criminal justice reform. Indeed, these fundamental beliefs were a constant guide during my years as first lady, senator, and secretary of state.

On the issue of trade, I have always held firm to whatever your view is. On national security, I have long been on the side of the issue that you’re on. And on our military interventions overseas, I have never—not even once—wavered on holding an opinion that mirrors yours. Our nation needs a strong and steady hand at the wheel, and my consistency speaks for itself.

Unfortunately, our 24-hour news cycle is full of spin and misinformation, and you may have been given a conception of what I believe that doesn’t fit the facts. If that’s the case, it’s time someone provided you with the unvarnished truth about how I’ve always put my full support behind the very same causes you support, and refuse to rest until I eradicate or reform the things you oppose. I won’t let anyone stop me from telling the voters of this country that, at this challenging and divisive moment in our country’s history, I stand for whatever it is they stand for.

Love it or hate it—I’m not going to gloss over that fact.

Maybe this kind of straight talk won’t win me any favor with the pundits on television, or anyone else inside the Beltway. But when it comes to my deepest, most heartfelt beliefs—which, again, are in perfect alignment with your deepest, most heartfelt beliefs—I’m not going to back down. I’m prepared to fight for whichever ideas you hold sacred.

My worldview, which informs every decision I make, has remained identical to that of our nation’s voters since I first started out in public service. And so I ask: Do you believe the American people are ready for a president who is willing to look them in the eye and emphatically state that she shares their thoughts precisely?

If so, I couldn’t agree with you more.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close