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Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

Rangers Counting On Henrik Lundqvist To Step Up On Offense

NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters Wednesday ahead of the Stanley Cup Finals, New York Rangers head coach Alain Vigneault confirmed that veteran goaltender Henrik Lundqvist will need to really step up on offense if the team is to beat the Kings and secu...

Chicago Blackhawks Relatively Silence Boston Fans

BOSTON—In a thrilling conclusion to the NHL Finals, the Chicago Blackhawks defeated the Boston Bruins in Game 6 of the championship series Monday night, securing the Stanley Cup for Chicago in a stunning win that hockey analysts agreed somewhat sile...
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NHL Admits It Has No Idea Who Guys With White Gloves Transporting Stanley Cup Are

NEW YORK—Confessing that they are unable to explain the presence of the two men who always accompany the championship trophy, officials from the NHL admitted Friday that they have absolutely no idea who the guys with white gloves carrying the Stanley Cup actually are. “They just showed up after the Oilers won Game 7 of the 1987 Finals, holding the Stanley Cup as they walked onto the ice for the trophy presentation, and it was only later that we realized no one ever hired them or asked them to do that,” said league executive John Payette, who further clarified that the two men are not, and have never been, NHL employees or on the league’s payroll. “They never speak, which is a little off-putting, but they’re constantly smiling, so they seem pretty nice. Since they always show up on time with the Cup for potential championship-clinching games every year, we just let them keep doing it. But we have no idea who they are, where they came from, or why they’re doing this.” At press time, the SAP Center arena staff in San Jose confirmed that the two men were standing completely still in an equipment room with the lights off, smiling and quietly staring straight ahead as they held the Stanley Cup.

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