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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:

A Timeline Of Halloween History

Rooted in multiple traditions and observed in countless ways, Halloween is a beloved celebration across much of the world. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.
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The Onion’s Mother’s Day Gift Guide

With Mother’s Day just around the corner, The Onion has put together a selection of gifts that any mom would love.

  • Lavender-Scented Polaris Ranger Off-Road ATV ($9,000)

    The perfect gift for a mom who loves to explore off the beaten path. Also available in Cappuccino and Tea Tree Lemon.

  • Registered Domain Name ($0.99)

    With her very own URL, now all Mom has to do is port the domain to a hosting platform, pick any CMS she wants, and code to her heart’s content.

  • Promise Of Going Out To A Nice Dinner In A Few Weeks ($0)

    That’ll buy you some time.

  • DNA Test That Proves You’re Her Child ($200)

    Your mom will appreciate the personal thought and effort that went into this unique gift.

  • Creamy Vanilla Coconut Yankee Candle ($21.99)

    She’s going to end up putting this in her bathroom come hell or high water, so it might as well come from you.

  • Spa Package ($129)

    A pampering treatment is perfect for any mom who wasn’t able to retire early because you refused to go to an in-state college.

  • Custom Cabinet Knobs That Look Like Your Head ($78)

    There’s nothing that will make Mom happier than seeing your face every time she reaches for a can opener.

  • Box Seats To QVC On Ice ($160)

    All her friends will be jealous when you take Mom to see Shawn Killinger and Jill Bauer show off the best new jewelry cleaner and collapsible luggage in a live ice-skating spectacular.

  • Card With A Cat On It ($3.79)

    Sure, just write something in it about how you love her more than anything. She’ll eat that right up.

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