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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Nation’s Loyalists Compete In Annual Nigel’s Bangers And Mash Eating Contest

NEW YORK—Frantically stuffing sausages and creamy potatoes into their mouths as a cheering crowd waved Union Jacks, the nation’s Loyalists competed Tuesday in the annual Nigel’s Bangers and Mash Eating Contest. “There’s no other proper way to affirm your allegiance to the Crown than to watch these iron-bellied competitors devour prodigious amounts of Nigel’s Finest Bangers and Mash,” said event grand marshal The Right Honourable Bromley Danforth, who confirmed he was “positively on tenterhooks” in anticipation of which gravy-splattered Tory would take home the grand prize of 10,000 pounds sterling. “It appears the participants have adopted a rather unorthodox strategy of separating the bangers from the mash before dunking the potatoes in a cup of Earl Grey for swift ingestion. What a bravura display of endurance—easy, lads, or you won’t have any room for afters!” At press time, “God Save The Queen” was blaring from a loudspeaker after reigning champion Sir Thomas Chesternut set a new world record by consuming 40 plates of bangers and mash in 10 minutes.

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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:

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