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Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

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Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

How To Navigate The Holidays Alone

While many people will be gathering with family and friends this holiday season to eat, drink, and be merry, others may not have anyone with whom to celebrate the festivities.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.
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Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too. “Oh man, Adam’s parents totally got him a PS4, Battlefront, and two controllers,” said fellow student Spencer Grant, who told reporters that Samuels had already fought a huge battle on Hoth against a bunch of people from different countries and stuff. “He has to share it with his little brother though. Plus, his mom only lets him play for a couple hours a day. His grandpa is gonna buy him Batman: Arkham Knight if he gets all A’s and B’s on his report card.” At press time, several classroom sources disputed Samuels’ claim that he blew up an AT-AT with a single shot from a bowcaster.


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