SHOREVIEW, MN—In what many called an impressive and heartwarming display of resolve, local grandmother Melanie Hodges reportedly clung to life Sunday so that she could spend one last Christmas surrounded by nursing home staff.
DURHAM, NC—Noting that adopting the religious belief system would allow individuals to fully enjoy the holiday season in all of its glory, a report released Tuesday by the Duke Divinity School revealed that there is still time to convert to Christianity before the start of Christmas.
BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks.
DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Persecuted and driven into hiding because of their beliefs, the nation’s oppressed Christians reportedly huddled in a secret underground bunker late Wednesday night to decorate and light a single withered Christmas shrub.
GREENVILLE, NC—Aiming to accommodate family members’ preferences and avoid any frustration, local parents Melissa and Ron Walters officially designated the upstairs television for anybody who did not want to watch the Thanksgiving football games on Thursday, sources reported.
WATERBURY, CT—Saying it’s become a bit of an eyesore in the neighborhood, Waterbury residents noted Tuesday that local woman Jackie McAllister still has a tree standing in her yard weeks after Arbor Day.
ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.
FOX CHAPEL, PA—Asserting that the gesture would mean a lot more coming from all of them, local unemployed man Jeff Thomas reportedly made one final push to his siblings Friday suggesting that they all go in together on a group Mother’s Day gift.
HERSHEY, PA—Noting the unprecedented display of effort, Harrington family sources confirmed Thursday that Uncle Jeff put a lot more thought than usual into the gift cards he bought for everyone this Christmas.
MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.