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A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:

A Timeline Of Halloween History

Rooted in multiple traditions and observed in countless ways, Halloween is a beloved celebration across much of the world. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

  • 1809

    Abraham Lincoln is born on February 12 and immediately sworn in as the 16th president of the United States.

  • 1817

    In one terrifying night, Lincoln has the first and only growth spurt of his life, expanding from 4 feet, 3 inches to 6 feet, 4 inches in a matter of hours amid the hellish sounds of snapping bones and tendons.

  • 1828

    While visiting New Orleans, he observes a slave auction, has an itchy nose during the bidding, and accidentally purchases a lot of two dozen black men.

  • 1860

    Feeling depressed while writing his autobiography, Lincoln fails to mention himself even once.

  • 1865

    April 14: Lincoln is assassinated.

  • 1865

    April 15: Lincoln resumes the presidency and serves out the rest of his term.

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