DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Persecuted and driven into hiding because of their beliefs, the nation’s oppressed Christians reportedly huddled in a secret underground bunker late Wednesday night to decorate and light a single withered Christmas shrub.
GREENVILLE, NC—Aiming to accommodate family members’ preferences and avoid any frustration, local parents Melissa and Ron Walters officially designated the upstairs television for anybody who did not want to watch the Thanksgiving football games on Thursday, sources reported.
WATERBURY, CT—Saying it’s become a bit of an eyesore in the neighborhood, Waterbury residents noted Tuesday that local woman Jackie McAllister still has a tree standing in her yard weeks after Arbor Day.
ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.
FOX CHAPEL, PA—Asserting that the gesture would mean a lot more coming from all of them, local unemployed man Jeff Thomas reportedly made one final push to his siblings Friday suggesting that they all go in together on a group Mother’s Day gift.
HERSHEY, PA—Noting the unprecedented display of effort, Harrington family sources confirmed Thursday that Uncle Jeff put a lot more thought than usual into the gift cards he bought for everyone this Christmas.
MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.
WASHINGTON—Stating their intent to spend most of the holiday lost in grief-stricken reverie, men across the nation whose beautiful wives died on Christmas 10 years ago announced plans Wednesday to drink whiskey alone in a dark apartment.
PORTLAND, ME—Appreciating the onset of listlessness and despondency, local woman Wendy Fletcher confirmed Tuesday that seasonal depression kicked in just in time to render her emotionally numb before spending Christmas with her family.
RICHMOND, VA—Saying that several of them had learned the hard way, members of the Gordon family confirmed to reporters Friday that they knew damn well not to believe Mom’s little bullshit speech about not giving gifts this Christmas.
OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.
CHARLOTTE, NC—Progressing swiftly through the same topics but in far less detail, local man Ian Miller’s four-minute phone call with his father Monday was reportedly just a watered-down version of the conversation he’d had moments earlie...
TAUNTON, MA—Noting the limited number of gifts requested and the omission of the year’s most popular toys, sources confirmed Wednesday that 12-year-old David Huffman’s Christmas list demonstrates a heartbreaking awareness of his family...