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A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:

A Timeline Of Halloween History

Rooted in multiple traditions and observed in countless ways, Halloween is a beloved celebration across much of the world. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.
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A Primer On History’s Greatest Presidents

In honor of President’s Day, The Onion provides a primer on the country’s most noteworthy commanders-in-chief.

  • George Washington: America’s first white president

  • Andrew Jackson: Provided a valuable template for future leaders to murder thousands of non-whites without everyone turning it into a big thing

  • William Henry Harrison: Holds the distinction of doing the least damage to the nation’s legacy of any president in history

  • Abraham Lincoln: The 16th president is celebrated for leading the Union to victory in the war against states’ rights

  • Theodore Roosevelt: Holds record for killing the most black rhinos while in office

  • William Howard Taft: The accomplished statesman who also served as chief justice of the Supreme Court is remembered for being fat

  • Franklin D. Roosevelt: Inspired the 22nd Amendment by demonstrating that more than two terms in office will cause a fatal cerebral hemorrhage

  • Lyndon B. Johnson: Returned America to a state of normalcy after its terrifying three-year brush with Catholicism

  • Gerald Ford: Smart enough to figure out how to bypass the humiliating process of getting elected

  • Jimmy Carter: The only president thus far to have been granted eternal life

  • Ronald Reagan: Throughout his two terms in office, Reagan boldly challenged the prevailing notion that a president must give a shit about poor people

  • Winston Reeves: A master Freemason, Reeves has ably run the country since 1989 as the nation’s 12th shadow president

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